I used to know anger in one form….explosive. Historically, I had been subjected to quite a few angry outbursts and if I’m completely candid, I released a few of my own. Once I was faced with exploring my anger, I came to several realizations, as follows:
- My anger emerged as an eruption; showing up seemingly out of nowhere and then disappearing,
- My anger was often misdirected,
- I had no idea how to control my anger; calling upon it when it was appropriate or quelling it when it wasn’t,
- I perceived anger as negative, counterproductive, and harmful,
- I was far more comfortable with other emotions, and
- Anger scared me; coming from me and from others.
The most staggering realization that I came to is that I needed to tap into that particular emotion in order to move towards healing. Crazy, right?
Amongst many other definitions, the Collins Dictionary includes the following: “Anger is the strong emotion that you feel when you think that someone has behaved in an unfair, cruel, or unacceptable way” (Collins. Anger. (n.d.). Available at: https://www.collinsdictionary.com). So, the first question I had to ask myself is what I felt when someone around me had behaved in an “unfair, cruel, or unacceptable way.” That answer was actually surprisingly easy. I felt sad. I felt forlorn. I felt depressed. I felt longing. I felt deep, unrelenting sorrow. I felt disappointed and that crushing feeling that accompanies a realization of hopelessness. And, when I felt the tiniest snippet of anger rising to the top of my heart or head, I shoved it all the way back down to a place where it couldn’t be seen or heard. Why? I was scared. I was scared of what it meant for me, of how it made me feel, and of how others would perceive me. Actually, I was scared that if I got mad, I would never not be mad again. I was terrified that the abandonment and betrayal I had experienced would translate into a rage that would never stop if I let it loose.
I knew I didn’t want to be an angry or bitter person. I knew I wanted to emerge from such a painful experience as a happy, well-adjusted person who still believed in love and friendship. However, I didn’t know how to be angry without the hang-ups or reservations. I didn’t know how to experience my anger, move through it, and then move on from it. More than anything, I didn’t know how to feel like I deserved to be angry. My flaws and failings were so ingrained in me from my relationship and other relationships from my past, that I told myself anger was unrealistic and irrational. You can guess what I’m going to say next, right? This is where I needed to begin; acceptance without justification.
I wasn’t ready to totally and completely forgive myself. However, what I figured out pretty quickly is that I could continue to work on myself and still give myself permission “along the way” to feel mad. More importantly, I realized that if let myself actually feel and experience my anger when it was felt, it wouldn’t build up and spill out when it was unwarranted. Even if I had made mistakes, I could be mad for being lied to, cheated on, strung along, and left. Even if it was just my perception, I could feel mad that he gave up on me, on us. Despite a rallying societal cry of independence and a new “feminism”, I could feel salty that I was starting over at 37 and my life wasn’t where I expected it to be. Feeling good and furious about my relationship and its tumultuous demise, allowed me to channel more suitable anger towards other situations, such as friendships and work. What was most fascinating is that acceptance of my anger actually had me feeling it less frequently. I noticed that situations that had previously elicited my rage just simply didn’t anymore.
There are so many messages out there that discourage anger. I cannot possibly articulate the number of times I was told to calm down, relax, or chill out. On countless occasions, I had a boyfriend, boss, or friend, give me the universal sign of “simmer down” (you know, that hideous hand wave that seems to have the opposite effect). Women who are raging are labeled as crazy or out-of-control. It doesn’t matter what drove them to that emotion or how they had been treated. So, not only did I have to separate from my own issues, but I had to let go of the stigma attached to female expressions of anger.
Another big reveal? I did it. And you know what? There is no magic secret, shortcut, or trick. In the end, I had a choice. I could let my anger sit inside of me, a simmering black hole, or I could find a way to let it out. I could release my irritability and exasperation in a way that minimized collateral damage; particularly where my own self-worth was concerned.
Are you wondering where to start? Well, I am sure there is tons of advice out there, and I am not claiming to be an expert, but I will tell you where I began. Basically, the next time you feel like saying “forget it” or “whatever” or “never mind”…say what you are really thinking and feeling instead. Say [in a strong, unwavering voice] “you hurt my feelings” or ask “why are you being so inconsiderate?” This is not about giving yourself a free pass to be mindless, disrespectful, or crass. This is about thoughtfully and mindfully expressing a response or reaction so it doesn’t eat you alive. This is about being angry as a mechanism for having a voice and maybe even beginning to understand what it means to create a boundary (yeah, that’s just another post that’s waiting to be written). Don’t be afraid. I know one thing for sure, which is that if you own your anger, it will not own you.
Start small but think big.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 