Fool Me Ten Million Times

I had red flags, boundaries, and sundry other topics in mind for my next post. However, a weekend overnight with my cousin to a place I hold near and dear inspired me in another direction. I had a nearly paralyzing fear of returning to where we were visiting; a place that held so many beautiful memories and that I absolutely loved visiting. Why? Well, that was simple, it was because of the association with my ex-partner. I was afraid of the memories, and I also had this borderline irrational fear of running into him and his new partner. Of course, these feelings and thoughts sound completely normal in the context of a spectacularly awful relationship ending, such as the one I experienced. But, if I am keeping it real, it wasn’t just a normal post-breakup first feeling that I was experiencing. I was feeling the aftershock of pretty effective gaslighting. Before I delve into the definition of gaslighting and all those fun details, I want to enter a quick disclaimer, as well as a very relevant explanation. My disclaimer is as follows: I am not a professional. I am a human being who experienced gaslighting in my own way. I cannot speak to others’ experiences (other than providing compassion) and I cannot recommend how to predict, identify, or deal with gaslighting outside of knowing exactly what I felt and/or did. To that end, what I felt or feel or did, is not the only answer or even the “right” answer. I am simply stringing together a series of facts that represent me and my life. As with any post on this site, my desire is to help, give hope, and make someone feel a little less alone or ashamed (or both).

I was only able to identify and cope with my experience with gaslighting with the help of a talented professional (a therapist). I did not know it was happening when it did, I did not realize it had happened directly after, I had a hard time believing it when I was first presented with it, and like any extended trauma, it took me a while to shake the effects loose (see above…I am still working on it). You may not be experiencing or may not have experienced gaslighting, but this post could maybe still be helpful for you. I feel that way partially because differing forms of emotional interactions [or manipulation] in relationships take on a similar form and have comparable effects. I also feel that way because even if you haven’t been or aren’t being gaslighted, if you are being subjected to anything I speak to below, you might want to consider talking about it and/or extricating yourself from the situation.

One more thing before I move on to some of the specifics. If you have or are being gaslighted (or something similar), you are not stupid. You are not naïve, blind, or foolish. Most importantly, you don’t deserve it, or didn’t deserve it. In fact, no one deserves to engage with another human being in this fashion. Whether intentional or unintentional, subjecting another human to this behavior is cruel and horrible. Let me just repeat one point one more time for posterity: YOU ARE NOT STUPID.

An article by Psychology Today defined gaslighting as follows: “a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality” (Stephanie A. Sarkis. 11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting. (Jan. 22, 2017). Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting). The article continues by noting and expanding upon eleven warning signs relative to gaslighting. I am using the publication’s warning signs but I am providing my own explanation based on my direct experience. I want to note that while the article identifies these behaviors as warning signs, I was not able to identify them as such. I could only see what had happened in retrospect. I am hoping I will now be able to use this knowledge to warn me in the future, but at the time, I was just living my life without even an inkling of understanding as to what was actually happening to me.

One last point I want to make before the “signs” is that while a good deal of the gaslighting occurred near the end of my relationship and post-breakup, I had been subject to it at other times in my relationship. Earlier in my relationship, the gaslighting was quieter and more benign. However, it was that initial gaslighting that truly cemented my willing and complicit behavior following the end of my relationship. Please don’t be afraid to look back and see now what you couldn’t see then (more on this in red flags, eventually). That doesn’t mean rewriting history or destroying every positive, happy memory you have from your relationship. To the contrary, it means preserving your good memories and separating out those experiences that you need to see more clearly in order to prevent lifelong self-deprecation or a repeat of pretty toxic interactions. Okay, disclaimer over.

Just to reiterate, the bolded statements below are a direct extraction from Psychology Today, but the explanations are a direct extraction from my life. Those warnings signs whereas I had less personal experience will be noted accordingly. So, here goes nothing….

They tell blatant lies. It is hard for me to identify all the ways in which I was lied to. It was hard for me to have difficulty with being lied to, because I carried around the guilt from my own lies from years prior. Even though I had owned my lying, examined the reasons why I lied, and corrected the situation, I still believed that I deserved bad treatment. We will get to that another time. Right now, we are focused on the lies. Before I describe some of the lies, I want to explain something that I now believe, but didn’t for quite some time, which is that something being none of your business does not justify lying. Often when a relationship ends we fall into the “well it is not my right to know that anymore” trap. That may very well be true and I am not debating that fact. However, if something falls outside of the “need to know” camp, your partner can simply say that, or decide to not share altogether. I know from my own mistakes that lying is not a kindness or acceptable under certain circumstances. That stated, most of us do lie, and while it is not acceptable, it is also meaningful to understand the severity of the lie, the context of the lie, and the frequency of the lying. Digesting these facts are not a method to find an excuse for lying, but to formulate a reaction that is appropriate.

The lies that I received were told to me and they were told to other people in our shared circle. Just to provide a few real-life examples, some of the lies concerned why and how our relationship ended, the nature of my ex’s interaction with another woman, my ex’s whereabouts, and my ex’s intentions with respect to “us.”

They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof. In my case, this occurred with the involvement of a third person, whom I trust but was apt to distrust based on how I was being treated. My partner engaged with another woman in a way that made me uncomfortable upon hearing about it. The interaction was described by my ex in a more innocent fashion and I was chastised for even suggesting that I would believe the third party. However, I was able to read a text message that confirmed the third-party’s truth. Do you want some confirmation as to how powerful gaslighting is? Even looking straight at proof, I still had trouble believing the third party. I was still questioning what the real truth was at the end of the day.

They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition. Somewhat ironically, my precious “thing” that was used as ammunition was my interaction with my ex. Whenever I presented a challenge or raised what I believed to be a truth, I was threatened with the following threats: “well, maybe we should take a break” (earlier) or “well, maybe it would be better if we just didn’t talk anymore” (later).  It might seem obvious to me or you right now that my response should have been “um sure, sounds good,” but I think we both know that wasn’t my reaction. I reacted with panic, fear, and pain. The clear message to me was buy-in or get lost, so I bought in.

They wear you down over time. My emotional exhaustion manifested in what I could best describe as physical exhaustion. I felt tired ALL THE TIME. I just wanted to feel secure. I just wanted my life to return back to what I felt was normal. I want to be brutally honest here so maybe you can relate to this in a very human way. I offered to do anything to “fix things.” I chastised myself anytime I didn’t hear from my ex or see him, and was able to point to something I did or said as the source. I just wanted things to be status quo so badly that I emotionally waved the surrender flag and prayed that my resignation would be rewarded with better interactions or better treatment. That somehow if I did everything I was supposed to (i.e. give him space, don’t ask any questions, etc.), I would be chosen again. Yikes, that was a tough one to write…but it’s the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Their actions do not match their words. This particular behavior came in two distinct forms for me.

I was told (after I asked my ex) that there was a possibility that our relationship could survive; there was a chance. I was told that I was missed all the time and was thought about constantly. I remember being asked a question once that absolutely gutted me but it was one of the turning points in my healing process that I can clearly point to now. My therapist asked me if I saw him doing anything to work his way back to me or us. I answered in the affirmative, that he was saying all the things you would want to hear and he was seeing me for dinner and quality time once a week. She moved through those words and said, “okay, he is seeing you, and maybe saying some things to make you think he is still interested, but is he doing anything to move back towards a relationship with you?” I was frustrated because I thought we were talking in circles and then bam, I got it. We weren’t identifying or working through any “issue” that ended our relationship. We didn’t have transparency and forthrightness. I was tiptoeing around him and in return, he was allowing me time with him. Not the same thing as working on our relationship, not even close.

I was also told (after I asked, of course…are you sensing a pattern yet?) that the other woman in his life meant nothing to him. She meant nothing, and yet he was vacationing with her. She meant nothing but he continued to speak with her even after the “mistake” of a vacation. She meant nothing and wasn’t significant until she was, and then six weeks later they married.  I believed and accepted his words over his actions because I desperately wanted them to be true. I needed them to be true so it didn’t hurt so badly. I listened and decided that what I heard was more profound than what I experienced or saw with my own eyes.

They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you. I was told how special and kind I was as a human. Amongst accusations that my behavior from years prior ruined the future of our relationship, were expressions of kindness and positivity. I decided to buy a car by myself after asking for his help and he seemed genuinely hurt that he wasn’t part of the process. He expressed that he said he would go with me, and fully intended to keep his promise. I felt deserving, worthy, and cared for, if only for a brief moment.

They know confusion weakens people. I cannot speak specifically to this particular warning sign. I only know that I was told several times that he “knew me” and so the poor treatment was more profound for me. So, I don’t know if there was a deliberate understanding of the impact of “confusion” so much as the impact of someone’s behavior when they truly know who you are, and what makes you tick.

They project. I lied. I know, I’ve admitted this before, but I am not ashamed of it, so I’ll say it again. I lied about a friendship. However, I am not a liar, and I am most certainly, not a cheater. My behavior was brought up and dissected over and over again as if I was unforgiveable. These words and this feeling came from someone who lied and cheated. That is a difficult reality to process, but it is the truth. Scarier was that I didn’t want to believe I had been lied to and cheated on. I made excuses and found rationale. I denied classic projection and found it easier to blame myself for everything. When I asked what was going on because I truly sensed something was off, I was asked why I felt that way and was made to feel like I was a guilty party. That, my friend, is projection and manipulation…a winning but deadly combination.

They try to align people against you. I did not have this experience, so I cannot provide an appropriate explanation. Any alignment that may have occurred, happened outside of me and the information I had available to me. I am grateful that if this happened, I don’t know about it.

I do know that people were told of his romantic and fantastic new love story. I do know that the nature of that story somehow was meant to overshadow the fact that I was cheated on and lied to. It doesn’t. I know that because I justified it to myself. Insane, right? I am not afraid to admit that because maybe you have done the same thing and you need to hear me say it. I told myself that I just wasn’t his person and if I was, he would have treated me more like her, and less like me. Here is a very useful news flash: there is a right way to leave and a wrong way to leave. Everyone has the right to leave. Everyone has the right to choose someone else. No matter how someone leaves it is painful, but there is a way to leave that shows respect for the relationship you shared with another human, and there is a way to leave that pounds that other human into dust. I was pounded into dust when I know now that I deserved respect.  Remember that if you are ever the leaver. Be respectful because you would always want someone to show you the same kindness. It’s that simple.

They tell you or others that you are crazy. I am not sure what was said about me and I don’t know if I would ever want to know. Maybe nothing and maybe everything. I was, however, told on several occasions that I was off-base, wrong, making assumptions, and being unfair. While these aren’t directly the word crazy, they share the same sentiment. Whenever my intuition told me something and I shared that feeling with him, I was made to feel that I was overreacting, making things up, or presuming. I felt crazy. I felt scared, right and wrong at the same time, and 100% crazy.

They tell you everyone else is a liar. At the time this was all happening, I was too ashamed to share the nitty gritty details with many people. I shared part, and not the whole. I was too embarrassed and too sad and too hopeful that things would change. I was told that my first therapist and the third party that made me aware of certain inconsistencies, were both liars. This wasn’t said blatantly so much as it was intimated. I used my ex as my sounding board and he affirmed that what I was sharing was inaccurate. Even when everyone else wasn’t a liar, I was made to feel like one.

Whew. I feel tired having written all of that and what is profoundly scary is that the above is just a snippet, just a taste.

Here is the bottom line: I lost my truth and for the longest time, I sought that truth in another person. However, I discovered that the real truth can only found within me, not in or from someone else. I discovered that the real truth is found by listening to people’s words and examining their actions [and seeing if they match]. I discovered that sometimes we have to accept a hard truth and then move through the seemingly unbearable pain. There is no shortcut but there is the sweetness of reality at the end of the journey.

If you are uncomfortable, don’t look to another person to ease that discomfort. Do the work to figure it out, to find YOUR truth.

Until the next….

L.