I had a moment this evening where I started to feel sorry for myself. I want to be clear. I was not feeling depressed, nor was I mourning the loss of my relationship or any other event for that matter. I was having a full-on, boo-hoo, poor me moment. These moments come in all different shapes and sizes. Tonight’s moment was the “I can’t believe I am days away from 38 and still single.” Past moments include contemplating friendships, work, family, and even hobbies. Much like anger, I believe these moments are to be seized, felt, pondered, and then released. I think when we don’t acknowledge these moments, but rather, choose to belittle them, we allow them to slowly build within us. Disregarded moments do not vanish into thin air, never to be seen or heard from again. Cast-aside and ignored moments collect and explode. I made a choice a long time ago to gift myself a few minutes of wound-licking over long lasting, deep-seated sadness. Outside of the potential for amplification of the topic of the moment, there is the very real possibility that time passed can challenge one’s memory; moving further away from the actual facts that germinated the moment.
My moment tonight was relationship-centric, but to keep things interesting, I will do a quick about face to a work-related moment. I know many people, including myself, that have experienced frustration and self-doubt at work when an expected acknowledgment or monetary reward is not forthcoming. Using a concrete example, let’s discuss quickly what it looks like when a promotion is expected but then the topic is overlooked altogether or the possibility is recognized but an explanation is provided as to why such an event or action will not occur. Just moving through the feelings of disappointment or even anger can result in resentment and/or bitterness over time. Moving through the feelings does not just include pretending like said feelings don’t even exist. It also means self-deprecation wielded as a tool to erase the feeling. For example, this is when you might say to yourself the following: “well, there are clearly worse things than what I am experiencing. Look at _____ who has been out of work for ages. Or consider __________ who makes half of what I make in a year.” These sentiments do not breed better coping strategies, but rather seek to justify a departure from self-exploration.
You deserve better.
Don’t sulk, pout, or stay stuck. Don’t go in circles, fixate, or obsess. Acknowledge how you are feeling and try to understand why you are feeling that way. Maybe make a list (actual or in your head) of possible solutions to the issue identified in the moment. Spend less time examining whether those solutions are realistic (i.e. find a new job or a new boyfriend), and more time contemplating all possibilities, to give yourself that certain freedom that comes with options.
Don’t be afraid to speak your moment aloud to another person that you can trust. Sometimes simply talking about whatever you are feeling can enable swifter moments and ultimately, less pain. I am by no means suggesting that this is an easy task. There can be a lot of fear attached to putting an actual voice to your moments, and then sharing that voice with someone else. I have often found myself afraid of the judgment that may await me on the other side of the story I am telling. I have been afraid of sounding silly, reactionary, impulsive, or overly emotional. I have feared getting a lukewarm or even a positive reaction to my face but being talked about behind my back.
This all sounds familiar, right? Fear, fear, fear. Fear that drives action. Fear that drives inaction. Fear that drives you crazy. Fear that challenges every notion you have of who you are and what you need.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. I don’t have some profound revelation for you. I don’t have a perfect-fit formula for addressing fear globally. I can only look at all the small ways in which fear has impacted my life and share the little steps that I’ve taken to try and combat that terror on a case-by-case basis. What I discovered is that once I started examining my fear and trying to do something about it, I immediately felt in greater control of my life and my emotions. Recognizing fear for what it is actually enabled me to have moments that were more meaningful and precious, rather than disheartening and depressing.
I am going to throw a little tough love into the mix here. I feel comfortable tossing it your way, because I threw it at myself first. Wallowing, staying in a moment past its prime, that’s easy stuff. It feels hard, but its not. It is the easiest choice you can make. It’s what I like to call self-victimization. It is the act of knowingly making a choice to hurt yourself for no other reason than you are afraid to do the work.
Let me be clear…I’ve done this. I have made the choice to stay stuck almost more times than I’ve chosen to move through the pain into something better. Again, I don’t have great enlightenment here other than it is a CHOICE. Its your choice. In front of you with all things is the choice to hide and endlessly grieve everything or feel the discomfort just before the bliss of allowing yourself just a moment. It is not easy to see how good things are on the other side of a moment, which is why there is a different sort of motivation that does the trick. It’s called appreciation. Whenever you feel yourself choosing the endless extension of the moment, bring yourself to a point of gratitude about something. Just one thing. Once you have that one thing, tell yourself that if you make your pain and self-pity just a moment, you will have the opportunity to appreciate that thing you are grateful for in ways you never imagined possible. This is not fluff or nonsense. This is real. I’ve done it. I’ve felt incredibly bleak and outrageously hopeless, and then I’ve thought about my family. I thought about how much more I would appreciate my time with them if I wasn’t so damn sad. I thought about how proud they would be of me if I could just pull through. I thought about all the ways in which I’d lose that beautiful bond if I chose to forever hide in the boo-hoo.
I am not making this up or fluffing the facts for the sake of a compelling story. Sometimes all I had was that one thing that I was grateful for and I clung to it for dear life. In the face of egregious disappointment, pain, and suffering, I found a tiny life line and I clung to it for dear life. I made a choice. It was not an easy one, but I told myself that it was the only one.
Maybe you can’t make the choice to do the work today, but maybe you can try and find a point of gratitude. Start there with an intention of ending somewhere else.
Until the next….
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 