I am a music person. A big music person. I am one of those people who likes a good voice and a solid beat, but is far more thrilled by lyrics that I can relate to in some way. Most of the high and low points in my life are inextricably linked to a song of some sort. I can’t say that they were all stellar pieces of artistry that I will forever appreciate (some are pretty embarrassing), but every time I hear the song connected to that thing, it makes me think.
I was trying to figure out how to lead into the discussion on red flags. I knew that it wasn’t just going to be one post and I think I knew that it was a touchy subject. Red flags are tough because they take responsibility and put it squarely in the camp of the harmed person. In order to assess red flags that you may have missed or need to be aware of “for the next time”, you have to own the fact that there existed signs that told you who someone was, or the state your relationship was in, and you neglected to embrace that knowledge or act on it for one or several reasons.
Anyway, I was at a loss until Ms. Cabello’s song from her new album came pouring through my AirPods. What happened was what usually happens when I run into a similar scenario. I hit rewind at least ten times at different points of the song. I started it over, and then over, and then over again. I stopped mid-run so the movement of my body didn’t disturb my ability to really hear the words. Then I got home and without even taking off my sneakers, I looked the lyrics up online.
The song is called “Something’s Gotta Give” and these are the lyrics that really spoke to me:
Something’s gotta give, something’s gotta break
But all I do is give, and all you do is take
Something’s gotta change, but I know that it won’t
No reason to stay is a good reason to go
Is a good reason to go, ooh
I have never heard a silence quite so loud
I walk in the room and you don’t make a sound, make a sound
You’re good at making me feel small
If it doesn’t hurt me, why do I still cry?
If it didn’t kill me, then I’m half alive, half alive
How did we get so far gone?
I feel pained just writing and then reading those words, again. I want you to take a moment and read those two verses a couple of times. I’m serious. Not just once, but a few times. I want you to feel whatever resonates through you. Maybe something, maybe nothing. I am going to share the impact that it had on me (outside of feeling gored in the middle of an otherwise satisfying morning run) and then I am going to tread into the shallow end of the red flags discussion. I won’t even come close to tackling all of it in one post. There are a few reasons for this fact, as follows: (1) this is too difficult a subject for me to write about without a break; (2) I want to be able to write, pause, thoughtfully consider, and revisit with a brand new, shiny page; and (3) I think it is important for you to read, pause, thoughtfully consider, and then revisit after reading. Like I said, red flags are tough, because we have to look in the mirror and accept the fact that we played a part in whatever shit show it is that we are examining.
Before I attack the lyrics, I want to be clear about something. Red flags are NOT just relegated to romantic relationships. Red flags exist in every single part of our lives. Red flags may not be relevant for you right now, or ever, with a romantic relationship, but you may feel profoundly aware of red flags in your professional life, friendships, family interaction, hobbies, or myriad places.
Okay, the lyrics. So many parts of those two verses (and the rest of the song for that matter) speak to me, but there is one line that captures the most profound thought for me. It’s this one: “No reason to stay is a good reason to go.” I know I keep giving directives, but bear with me. I want you to read that line a few times and really think about it. It’s a goodie. It really is.
I cannot speak for the collective whole, but I can speak for myself. When I want something to “work” very badly, I am so hyper focused on the effort it takes to make it “work” that I lose the forest through the trees. In other words, I convince myself that no reason to stay is not a good reason to go. I actually tell myself the opposite. I tell myself that no reason to stay is a good reason to try harder. I tell myself that giving up is a failure and that everything in life takes hard work. This is of course, true. However, the catch is that both people or parties (in ANY scenario) must be doing the work. If one person or party is doing the work, and the other isn’t, then the writing is on the wall. The proverbial red flag is waving and then its time to gather one’s courage and leave. That whole axiom of “if it is meant to be…” is true. If someone wants to do the work and they have a revelation (boss, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, etc.), they will raise their hand or scream and yell and jump up and down. They will do what they need to do in order to tell you that you mean something and they want to try. Of course, it might be too late at that point, but the fact is, walking away from something isn’t necessarily the end, but it could be and if it is, it is likely because its supposed to be.
What does all of this really mean? Well, it’s a beginning…or the very first baby step to identifying a red flag. A red flag is at its very core, a reason to go. It is a reason to avoid. It is a reason to say ‘no, thank you.’ Abiding by a red flag is one of the toughest things you can do, because it is trusting your intuition. It is allowing that little voice (or big) inside of you to lead you in a journey that may not be an easy one, but is better for you, is your true destiny. I know, that sounded a bit hokey, but it is true. Respecting the warning built into a red flag often translates to telling yourself that you have to walk away from something that sounds good or feels good. Here is the good news though, the great news actually: when you see a red flag, or several in my case, and you DO decide to listen, the pain you will experience is a lot quicker and more bearable than the pain caused by casting the red flag aside.
This all sounds great, but where does one start in the way of identifying and heeding red flags? Well, as I allude to above, you have to begin by being mindful of the reasons. Huh? What?! Yup, that’s right. For example, in my relationship, I could have and should have made a list that were all the reasons why he was not right for me. I could have and should have made a list of all the reasons I felt unworthy in my relationship. Those two lists would have combined to form the basis of my red flags path. If I had taken the time to cast aside my ego and my desire to “make it work”, I could have really looked at the reasons why it couldn’t and shouldn’t work. I could have seen all the ways in which my partner was telling me that he didn’t really want me. I could have identified all the ways in which he pushed me and my needs aside. Like I said earlier, the same holds true for work. Sometimes we are so focused on how comfortable we are, or how much we like the idea of a job, that we don’t take the time to examine all the ways in which something may not be a good fit.
So, consider this Red Flags Part I. The first step with any addiction or issue is knowing you have a problem, right? Well, the first step with Red Flags is exploring what you really want and need and measuring those things up against whatever you are exploring (i.e. relationship, work, friendship, etc.). I know I am being a pest at this point, but I am going to give a specific example just in case I lost you. I want and need someone who is willing to commit to me. Two feet in, with confidence. I was with someone who made it clear that he always had one foot out the door. I told myself he needed more time, more reassurance, and for me to just be better or do better. Those were cover-ups and insecurities and the whole situation was total insanity. Truth-telling time, that is a red flag at its finest. The components or parts of that painful scenario (i.e. excuses for moving in, saying marriage lost its luster, etc.) were also red flags.
We have to tackle what to do once you’ve identified the red flags (both in past and future situations), but you have to start somewhere, so hopefully I’ve given you a good semblance of a place to start. Here’s a free tip: while exploring red flags, do NOT beat yourself up for what you didn’t or couldn’t see. This is a learning exercise, and it’s a self-protection device. Sometimes things don’t serve us until we are ready to change. Sometimes that change only occurs after tragedy and trauma. Either way, you are probably hurt enough, so take it easy on you.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 