I cannot count all the times in my life when I’ve heard the following phrase: “I am going to tell you something but you can’t tell anyone or do anything about it.” There is little else that aggravates me more than those words. Truly. The verbalized intention is that the sharer wants to empower you by giving you valuable information, but the implicit, unspoken sentiment runs far deeper and is far less productive.
I might hurt your feelings when I tell you this, but I think it is important that we keep things real in this space. If someone utters that particular phase to you, they are not looking to help you. They are looking to gossip and/or elicit a reaction and bear witness to said reaction. Someone who wants to lift you up might not share information at all if it will only tear you down, or if they do, they will give you the freedom to use that information to do what you wish with it.
Are you ready for the crazy part? We (I, perhaps more accurately), do this very thing to ourselves. We clip our own wings and prevent ourselves from using information in a meaningful and useful fashion. The funniest, or perhaps saddest, part of this entire situation is that we do this destructive thing to ourselves for similar reasons. We relish the securing of information; the juicy scandal of it. We use it to get angry or sad or crazed. We use it to be paranoid or confused. We justify rage. What we don’t do is channel those feelings and use that information to make informed and smart decisions about how we are living our life and who we permit to share that life with us.
You guessed it…this is Red Flags Part II. The second part of the red flags discussion, once identification has occurred, is figuring out what the hell to do with the information. From my own seat, I can tell you that I had a hard time with the identification part due to a lack of self-esteem and self-awareness, and a heavy state of denial. However, that was NOTHING compared to the “doing something about it” phase. I was deathly afraid. I knew that doing something about what I was witnessing would make it real and likely lead to a result that I didn’t think I was capable of handling.
Here is what I mean. I identified that my significant other was incapable of forgiveness and lording something over me from years prior (in subtle and very aggressive ways). When I tried to talk about it, I was shut down. I didn’t push because I was afraid that he would end things between us and the ending would be “my fault”. Yes, I know. This sounds crazy, but it is my truth. It is how I felt and how I acted. I operated 100% from a place of fear. I was armed with information about all the ways in which I was not being treated right or in which we were just “not a fit” but was too paralyzed to do anything about it.
Again, I don’t have a magic wand. I can only tell you what I did when I finally decided to act on the red flags. Sadly, and with brutal honesty, I can share with you that it was only after he left me and I was getting strung along and lied to that I found my teeny tiny little voice. I am not going to live in a “if only I had…” space because it is counterproductive. I am going to celebrate that I finally found “it,” I am going to pray that “it” doesn’t go away, and I am going to hope that maybe my words and experience helps someone else find a voice before the life falling apart situation occurs.
My fear did not go away. I didn’t act in the absence of fear; I acted in spite of my fear. I was terrified of blowing the chance I still had (of what, I don’t know?!), of making him mad, and of pushing him towards someone else. However, I was finally more afraid of losing myself forever. I was terrified that I would eventually cease to have a backbone and a voice and I would be open to whatever abuse that he or anyone else was willing and able to heap on me. I didn’t live in a bleak future, per se, but I thought of worst case scenarios and imagined myself surviving them. I envisioned the pain of being cut off, and I embraced it. Here is a little cheat sheet for you: I did survive it. He did say unkind things, he did cut me off, and he did go be with someone else (and got married for goodness sake!). I survived it. I am alive and breathing, and every single day is better and easier.
What is fantastic is that after that initial phantom pain that comes, that brutal realization that your worst fears came true, the relief comes. I am calling it phantom pain not because it isn’t real, but because it is related to missing something that may not actually exist, at least not in the way we perceive it. Anyway, after all of that, the universe will show you in one or more ways that you’ve made a good decision. I promise you that. It may be really little and subtle, but it will come. Just open yourself up to it, and wait. I really, really hope you believe me. I could never have imagined surviving what I did with the person who was supposed to be “my person” but I really did. You will have some pretty bad days (like cry-in-the-bathroom-at-work days) and some better days, and then one day, the latter will outnumber the former. You will find yourself feeling lighter and freer. You will find yourself asking people far less frequently whether you made the right decision, or whether they agree with you.
Here it a little useful side point: lean on people who you can trust, but don’t seek validation if you can avoid it. Sure, there are people that may not fully support you, but it’s bigger than that. When we are seeking other’s approval, we are typically in a pretty vulnerable state. What that means is that we will read into everything someone says. Even the most supportive phrase will be twisted and turned around, and will turn into an exercise in self-defeat and criticism. Let me give an example because I think that helps to understand. At the time I was in the thick of my pain, a friend agreed with me but also said that maybe he (my ex) was going through a hard time or something had happened. Someone else told me that it was okay if he didn’t forgive me for a transgression from years prior, but he probably should have broken up with me sooner. I am not suggesting these people weren’t right in what they were saying. I am merely sharing that typically these moments are some of our most fragile, and these types of interactions can be detrimental to one’s mental health at that moment. If you are going to share, or seek feedback, try and do so with people that you can truly trust to keep it simple, and listen, and not share the other side of things. Maybe eventually you will be strong enough to hear all of those things, but the right person will know that there is a time and place for that.
Okay, getting back, the question becomes how do you address a red flag? Where do you start? Well you start by giving voice to the things that are troubling you. Ask the question or share that something bothers you. You know how I told you to ask yourself what you want and need to identify red flags…well this is the point in time in which you take that information and you make it known to your partner, friend, boss, etc. It is scary as hell. Don’t worry about how articulate or strong you sound. I mean, try not to cry, but if you have to, let it out. Just say whatever you are feeling, unfiltered and unedited. Here is my real-world example (again): I knew my ex was lying to me and so I said to him “I feel like you are not telling me the whole truth and while I am not trying to pry into your life, I would like to understand the part that is affecting me. If you are with someone else, I don’t want or need details, but I want to know so I can make the right decisions for me.” He continued to be dishonest for quite some time, but his body language and response to my queries (ANGRY!!!) told me that I was on the right track. Basically, you have to say that thing that keeps popping to the front of your brain and you keep putting on the back burner. If your experience is similar to mine, read the body language or actions of the person, rather than simply listening to their words. There are people devoid of true emotion out there, so that in alone can be a challenge. So, I would tell you that if you see a red flag emerge again and again, and your intuition tells you that you are being misled or lied to or if the situation is simply making you unhappy, try and skip to the part where you close the door. At the very least, demand that the thing that makes you uncomfortable is changed in some way that makes you more comfortable.
I know I am making this sound easier than it is, and I am not trying to. I am not being flippant or callous. This is TOUGH. This is rip-your-heart-out excruciating. However, no one else can do this for you. You have to do it for yourself. Even if someone breaks up with you or leaves you as it was in my case, there is still work to be done. That works emerges in keeping that person that was once in your life at bay, making decisions about things related to that person, and most importantly, using that information when in similar situations with other people. That, my friends, is a whole other post.
Bottom line is, start to ask those questions that you found in the first part of this exercise. You don’t have to do anything straight away, but start to build the case you need to find enough courage to act in the face of fear. I believe in you. I survived it and so will you.
The good news is that the universe will present you a gift of something else (whatever that may be) once you shake loose that which plagues you. It could be itty bitty or super huge, but it can’t fit in with all that darkness and complicity, so you have to make room. I promise you that.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 