This post is related to the discussion on red flags, but is a little bit of an off-shoot; a related but separate sentiment. Have you ever had someone point something out to you that you hadn’t noticed, and then once they do, it is the only thing you can see? Well, the awareness of red flags and even the difficult or shocking end to a relationship can have the same effect. Both situations, and I will certainly provide greater detail, can give you this hyper-sensitivity that can be harnessed for good, but in its native form it is challenging at best and dangerous at its worst. Your senses are flooded and you feel constantly overwhelmed.
I am going to lay this out with brutal and embarrassing specificity so that it is as relatable and real as it can be. This trauma reaction or super-awareness can bring on waves of depression, irrational thinking, denial, paranoia, judgment, and anger. It can twist reality to give you a view of the world that is tarnished and tainted, and it can elicit reactions that are “over-the-top.” That very same sensitivity can give you a protective bubble when you need it the most, keep harmful people away from you, and give you insight that you never had prior to the trauma. Before you can figure out how to use this power for good, you need to understand where it comes from and how it affects you personally. Everyone is different, so although I will share my story, I recognize that your experience might only be shades of what I went through. Hopefully there is enough connective tissue to give you some reassurance.
I want to describe what I went through a little bit, but first I need to explain that my experience reoccurred after each bit of difficulty, each “event.” Yup, you heard right. I didn’t just experience this roller coaster once. I experienced it after my break-up, after the realization I was strung along, after I found out he cheated on me and then married that person, and once my stuff was left dumped in the lobby of my building. The good news is that each time the feelings were more easily recognizable, easier to control, and quicker to dissipate (leaving me only with the good stuff).
I want to explain that these are not red flags per se. Red flags in relationships are behaviors or feelings that “warn” you of impending unhappiness, danger, or dissatisfaction. Similarly, the feelings or behaviors that I am describing in this post are not part of the standard reaction to the ending of a relationship, no matter how upsetting. This is not about the grieving process. What I am going to share is representative of those tiny but powerful explosions of feeling that occur in the in-between, undefinable space.
I am not going to express each event’s feelings separately, but rather as a collective whole.
Along with many others, I experienced the following feelings and behavior in my post-trauma moments:
- Paralyzing fear of returning to places that would remind me of my relationship, my ex, or open the possibility of running into him/her/them;
- Feelings that people thought there was something wrong with me because ___________;
- Nausea upon hearing certain songs playing on the radio, on Spotify, in a store, etc.;
- A frame of mind that led me to believe everyone around me had an agenda (especially men); and
- Thoughts that I have never had and will never have good or even decent judgment when it comes to most of my fellow humans.
I am going to run quickly through how these feelings can be shifted and what that looks like, so we overcome the negative shade here with some positive light and good vibes. First of all, the change happens when you allow yourself to feel the crappy feelings and examine those in-the-moment feelings against a truer reality. The god-awful part is that you can only find a truer reality by facing the fears you are experiencing. You guessed it. That means going to “those” places, spending time with “those” people, listening to “those” songs, and giving people (including romantic partners) a chance. You will be risking getting hurt. You might actually experience unhappiness and pain or disappointment. You may face situations that unfortunately support or reinforce the post-trauma feelings, but more often than not you will be proven wrong. What is even better is that if/when you are validated, that means there is a lesson for you to learn. In my case, I learned that I was a little too trusting, too meek, too hopeful in a hopeless situation, and too quiet about my needs.
I know this is probably all starting to sound the same; the grief, the red flags, the lessons, etc. It is actually important to differentiate between all of these different stages and feelings because each will shape you differently and similarly. The grief will help you process and accept the end or reality of something, the red-flags will help you accept your role in what happened and protect you in the future, and the in-between is just that. The middle just helps you cope; it helps you retrain, relearn, and start over. It helps you face your fears and understand what it means to live in the present.
I am speaking from the seat of a person whose relationship ended in a rather grandiose and hideous fashion. These feelings can occur when something horrific or traumatizing happens at work (i.e. reprimand, firing), between family members, or with friends. I want to be clear that the event(s) do not have to be horrible or damaging from another’s perspective to be valid. This is all about you and what you feel.
Why am I talking about this when it is so similar to these other issues and situations? Why does this really matter in the scheme of it all? Ignoring or bypassing grief means you may never heal or reconcile what happened in whatever situation you were in. Failing to recognize and heed red flags means you may make the same mistakes over and over again; experiencing the same pain ad nauseum. Giving into the “in between” means avoidance. It means a forced change of course. It means missing good movies, songs and television shows. It means cultivating negative associations with neighborhoods, restaurants, and authors. It means being guarded and bitter. It means not being open for goodness that the world could have in store for you, or the useful pain, because you are too busy living in the safe zone. Trust me when I tell you that I understand why that neutral space appeals to you, but I must stress that it is no way to live. If you need to pause there for a heartbeat then indulge yourself, but then step out of the gray and dip your toe in the reality pool.
I know it’s scary, but really, all of it is….and you don’t want to live a colorless life, do you? You don’t want to give your ex/boss/uncle the satisfaction of shifting your entire life and loves, do you? You don’t want to neglect and abandon passions or attachments in order to feel less, do you? I don’t want that for myself and so, I really don’t want it for you either.
Start little and move to the bigger stuff. Go to the coffee shop where you once frequented and order a drink to go. Do it as quickly as you can, but rip off the band-aid. Listen to that song, read a chapter of that book, and take a walk down a familiar street. Cry, deep breathe, feel all the feelings, and then maybe, do it again. Moving through the in-between gets you to the “over it.”
Start little. Start somewhere.
Until the next,
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 