I love coming out of the gate with a hard truth. It just feels refreshing and really, somewhat ironic in a post with the above title. So here goes: I have lied. I do lie. I will lie. I have lied about super big things and super small things. I am not here to justify my lies. I am not writing this post to explain how some of my lying was acceptable and some was not. I am here to discuss what it feels like to lie, be lied to, and engage with someone who perpetually and consistently lies in a way that is mentally damaging and unimaginably harmful. I will not use my lying as a crutch or an excuse. Rather, I will use it to create context. I don’t want to appear holier than thou. I want you to understand, if you don’t already, that most people lie in some way, shape, or form. Sometimes people know they are lying and sometimes they have no idea. When they have no idea it could be that the untruth is so ingrained in their being that they’ve lost sight of what’s real. It could also be that they lie all the time and so they cannot differentiate between a lie and the truth. What I have learned is that it doesn’t really matter in the greater scheme of things. There are no good versus bad lies. There are better and worse intentions, but there is also almost always another way to handle things. There is a better path and a better choice. I speak from personal experience and the huge mistakes that I’ve made.
The demise of my relationship was based on a lie that I told years ago. I said I was “toning down” a friendship that mattered to me and also bothered my ex and really, I wasn’t doing that at all. I told myself that I was coming from a “good” place. I didn’t want to hurt my friend and I didn’t want to hurt my boyfriend. In the end, it didn’t matter at all. I recognized why I lied and owned up to it (after a bout of panic and defensiveness) and took great steps to rectify the situation. That also didn’t matter. I came to learn after being decimated, going to therapy, and reading/talking/venting that what I did wasn’t a travesty, BUT it was a non-starter for my ex. Here is the crazy part and this is where it gets complicated, so hold on to your hat: my ex made proclamations about my hideous, unforgivable behavior while lying his face off to me about who he was, what he wanted, and what he was up to. Wow. A lot to digest there, huh?
Let’s start with the easy part. The easy part that isn’t so easy. His lying did NOT remove the tarnish from my lie. I did not get a fresh start or a do-over or a pass because he was not honest. My lies were not compared against his to make me feel better about what I did. They are two separate and distinct issues. They are two areas that require separate examination and exploration. They are also representative of red flags galore (no forgiveness?!?!).
Let’s start with me because well…it’s my blog. I lied because I was terrified of letting people down and having people be disappointed in me. That is correct ladies and gentleman. Rather than being honest and dealing with the consequences, I lied to avoid my worst fear. Spoiler alert: when you lie, you get to that feared consequence anyway and its likely worse. I didn’t want to disappoint my ex or let him down, and yet that’s exactly what I did x100. I didn’t want to hurt my friend or lose my friend, and both happened. It was a lose-lose of the worst kind. It was painful, embarrassing, and terrible. I was lost and scared. It didn’t matter that it was just a friend and I had no romantic feelings. It didn’t matter that this man was my friend way before my relationship existed. My partner expressed something and I not only ignored it, but lied to cover up my disregard. It doesn’t matter that it all came from a place of fear, because when my lie was uncovered, it all felt the same to him. That being said, I believe I deserved forgiveness. I don’t believe I deserved to be punished for years for this transgression. However, none of that really matters. The bottom line is when you lie, you hurt people. When you lie, you get into trouble. When you lie, people stop trusting you. I thought I had matured over the years, but this experience showed me that I still had a ways to go. I still needed to trust that there was a bigger plan for me, and if lying was my way of trying to steer that plan, I needed a new approach, stat. I cannot say I haven’t lied since or I don’t intend to ever lie again. I am trying though. I am attempting to live a more honest life; to consider the impact of my words and truth. In case you think I am repulsive and you never lie, ask yourself if you’ve ever said “its fine” or “I’m fine” when it’s not and you aren’t. Just sayin…
You know what is better than lying? Abstaining. Refraining. Pausing. Speaking the real truth. Sometimes I actually just keep my big mouth shut. Sometimes I say the thing I am terrified to say, in spite of my fear. People will be mad, people will judge you, and people will leave. Your lies will only delay the INEVITABLE. That, my friends, is the truth.
Side bar, this doesn’t mean being a rude piece of trash to everyone you meet. Avoiding lying does not give you free rein to abuse people or be unbearably harsh. Use your judgment and mind your manners. You can be honest without killing people, believe me.
Okay, onto the real shitty stuff, being lied to. Specifically, I can attest to being lied to in the form of abandonment and/or cheating by someone who means something to you. Hell, I’ve learned that when anyone lies to you, even when you don’t care that much about them, it feels awful. You lose a little bit of the trust you have in the world every time you are faced with someone’s falsehood. As I am writing this, I am thinking that this is definitely going to be more than one post. I want to address how to heal from lying and not despise and question everyone, and everything. This post is not about that. It is about identifying and understanding another person’s lies. I will get to all of that other juicy stuff later on or another day.
In no particular order, I want to share some bits of wisdom I’ve picked up, as follows: it doesn’t matter why someone has lied to you, people can lie straight to your face without a “tell” and without apparent remorse, there is no end to the lies someone will tell if they are constructing a singular story, and you are not to blame for another person’s lies. That last little sentiment is pretty important. Just like my ex and my friend weren’t responsible for MY lie, you are not responsible for the person who lies to you. I don’t care what you did. I don’t care who you are and how you come across. Everyone’s actions are theirs and theirs alone.
PAY ATTENTION. Yup. Not to me. Pay attention to the world around you. It becomes obvious when someone is lying to you. I would never have believed that the man who claimed to be my best friend in the whole world would have lied straight to my face, without hesitation, but he did. For that reason, I could claim I was clueless, but I wasn’t. There were signs. There were inconsistencies. I finally picked up on the lies, and I called him out on it, and I got reamed out. There’s a sign for you. When someone is super defensive, they are probably lying. I am saying that from personal experience. If you are telling the truth, there is no reason to be anything but calm. There’s that pesky behavior called projection. It is real, my friends.
Also, that whole “well, they must be lying to everyone else….” thought, doesn’t really solve anything. It may make you feel better for the moment, but it doesn’t promote healing or get you to a better place. At all. That may be true. They may be incapable of telling the truth generally, or you may just be the person they lie to because you are an easy target, or because they think you will never leave them or stay angry with them. Everyone is different.
It sucks. It feels really bad. Just because you didn’t see it, doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. But after, once you know it, try to see the signs you didn’t see before. They will help you grow. They will become part of your red flags infrastructure; to help get smarter and stronger, and combat really crappy behavior.
LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. When something feels off, it probably is. When something sounds wrong, it probably is. That doesn’t mean get crazy with yourself and question everything. It just means keep it real. By the way, if you do question everything while you are trying to figure it out, your loving friend/lover/partner should understand and roll with it. They may get frustrated but they will also work through it all with you. If someone is unwilling to do that, it means something.
Since I’ve lied, it would be silly for me to claim that lying makes you a horrible person. It’s pretty shitty to deceive someone who cares deeply for you. It is pretty awful to never own up to it, and to manipulate the facts to leave them blaming themselves. It doesn’t mean you are horrible…it just means that you are flawed and you need work. What makes a good, evolving person versus someone who is a little less than, is the willingness to own up to their actions and decide they want to do things differently. I’ve always said that if my ex (after lying) had said, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know how to tell you….,” all would have likely been forgiven. I would have been hurt and sad, but I would have understood. I would have gotten on board, and moved on. If the lies continue, if the blame continues, if there is an unwillingness to take responsibility…question whether you want to know that person anymore. Question even giving them one ounce of thought or feeling. Question all the ways in which you should protect yourself and yet you fail to.
Don’t claim you are never going to lie again or never be lied to again. Set an intention to be more honest and to welcome more honest people into your life. Decide that if you discover that someone is flagrantly dishonest and/or blames you for their actions, you will stop inviting them into the inner circle. In fact, you will cease knowing them at all. Life is too short to welcome in people like that. Use them as a lesson, a stepping stone, and then keep it movin’…
Until the next,
L.
P.S. Happy Thanksgiving. Do yourself a favor and find gratitude tomorrow in what is, not what will be.
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