Just Bein’ Me.

I was away for the holiday weekend and decided to curl up on a cozy window seat with a magazine and a good cup of coffee. Specifically, I was reading an article in Vogue and was struck by the following quote by Chrissy Teigen (if you don’t know who she is…Google, please): “I feel like I would be annoyed by me if I weren’t me…I feel that all the time” (Jason Gay. Chrissy Teigen on Kanye, Getting Blocked by Trump, and Actually Caring About Her Comments. (Oct. 16, 2018). Vogue. Available at: https://www.vogue.com). I was absolutely blown away by the significance of this simple and yet powerful statement and instantly recognized that it would be a perfect lead in to the next topic I had in mind. This is not the Part II of the post on lying I had in mind, but it is a perfect corollary. Why? Well, because I really want to address the lies that we tell ourselves.

This is such a deeply nuanced and difficult subject (aren’t they all?) so don’t be surprised if reading it has you initially feeling disbelieving, skeptical, angry, or sad. As I do with all of my posts, I believe it is important to start with some cold, hard facts about me and what I’ve directly experienced. Maybe it helps to alleviate some of the distrust or doubt when I do that, or maybe it doesn’t. Either way, it is cathartic for me, and I truly hope it helps you.

I have not only lied to others, but I have lied to myself, many, many times. I have lied to myself more times than I can count and probably more times than I want to admit. Just like lies to the outside world, lies we tell ourselves take many forms; large and small. I have told myself that I am okay eating a certain kind of food and I  have also told myself I am okay with someone making me feel less than secure in my relationship. Some of the lies I’ve told are only identified when I begin to explore why other people’s behavior triggers a response in me. When I feel angry, sad, disjointed, disconnected, or put-off, it is usually because I am not honestly responding to someone else’s behavior; internally and/or externally. When someone challenges the way I’ve behaved, I tell myself I am not a good friend. I know I am a good friend. That doesn’t mean I don’t have flaws and I cannot self-reflect, but rather than processing what someone is telling me and understanding it to be THEIRS and THEIRS ALONE, I take it on as something that is flawed in me. Sometimes an expression from another person is an issue you can work on and sometimes it is really just them. You cannot separate those two issues until you have a good sense of who you are and what you need and want.

I can only speak as a woman but that does not mean I am discrediting separate and very real scenarios that men face. I am only speaking from my seat. Society tells us to be good little girls. A widely-accepted paradigm or “norm” demonstrates in a million ways why well-behaved women may not “make history,” but they win the favor and hearts of people everywhere (men and women alike). We are conditioned, at least in the United States, from birth, to be nice, be good, and play by the rules. So, when we first encounter some feeling within us that feels like an aversion to what someone else is presenting or offering, we typically push it way, way down. Or at least that is what I did for a long time. As I stated earlier, I have historically erred on the side of immediately blaming myself for things. I am such a pain in the ass because I can’t eat gluten. I am so annoying to be around because I am a little more sensitive. I am ridiculous because I like to hit the gym or otherwise exercise on vacation. I am a bad friend because I don’t consider everyone’s feelings at all times, at the same time, before my own. You get the picture, right?

I am NOT suggesting that I or anyone else should completely diverge from self-evaluation, growth, and change. Not even close. I am suggesting that we all learn how to separate the real stuff that needs change from everyone else’s feelings and baggage. If someone resents you because you want to take a walk on a beautiful Sunday morning or because you’ve made a choice to do something that feels safer for you emotionally, they are probably not a real friend/lover/significant other/soul mate, etc. Right? Like someone can’t beat you up for being you and also accept you unconditionally at the same time. You can’t say that someone loves you for exactly who you are if you are always hiding who you are. These are just facts according to me. This is what I came to after a lot of hurt and even more disappointment.

I have tried to convince myself of something other than my truth and I have also fought with people to try and “see my side” and recently realized that these are expeditions into pure insanity. Yes, perhaps once you will be successful in these endeavors. More likely, you will end up sad, frazzled, frustrated, and confused. I don’t want to be mean, cruel, selfish, or one-sided in how I approach the world. I also want to feel free to be me. The real me. The gluten-free, nightgown wearing, ‘Vanderpump Rules’ watching, sunrise-loving version of me. Yes, I will finish every book even if it stinks. Yes, I will say I LOVE a movie even if it’s not Oscar worthy. Yes, I do ask if a dessert is worth it before I dive in, and YES it IS because I work my ass off at the gym. Yes, I do drink decaf coffee in bed when it’s cold outside. No apologies. All of it, all of the time. These things are not sexy or trendy. I am not trying to be cool or fit in with any particular crowd. I am trying to find the things that bring a little [or a lot of] happiness to my heart and I do them over and over again, without explanation. I do not want to make excuses or apologize. I want to save those emotions and expressions for when they are appropriately warranted. I want to know that when I actually do something wrong (um, all the time), I can apologize and it really means something.

You have to own who you are before you can stop lying to yourself. How will you even know the truth if you don’t know YOUR truth? That doesn’t mean you shove that truth in everyone’s faces. That doesn’t mean you should or can be abrasive, tiresome, or thoughtless. It means you can put forth into the world a gentle sort of honesty. The honesty that tells people that you are sure of who you are and you are living your best life with that information.

Ask yourself who you would be if you didn’t have to “answer” to anyone. Maybe that version needs a little modification. We want to be considerate of the people we care about, and we have to be conscious of the environment we are in at any given time. However, maybe we can inch closer to that person by deciding that the version of you that is honest if the best version of you. That version doesn’t require remembering a story or getting that pit in your stomach when a truth is inadvertently revealed. That is just who you are, on any given day, when you don’t have to suck your stomach in or rewrite a text seventeen times.

Start by making a list of all the lies you have or do tell yourself. Maybe just look at the last couple of days. You will be amazed. I promise you that. I was absolutely amazed by the amount of lies I was telling myself. It was okay that people disregarded and hurt me. It was okay that I was overlooked at work. It was okay that someone took their sadness or bad mood out on me. It was okay that someone stored up wrongs and dumped them at my feet. All of these things were okay and I was fine. But I wasn’t, and I’m not…but I will be. Every day that goes by, I get closer to being the person that I really want to be. Here is a great little newsflash. That person isn’t abrasive or unlikable. That is probably the sweetest, kindest, funniest version of me, because I don’t feel so assaulted by the world around me. I want to do good for people without expecting anything in return. I want to give love out freely. I cannot do any of that if I spend my days living two separate lives. It just can’t happen. Do you see what I am talking about here?

Get to a place where you are annoyed by you if you aren’t YOU. You can do it. I am. Day by day.

Until the next…

L.