I was inspired to write this post because of a book I just finished. Here is a fun little personal fact: I love a good young adult book. I do. For so many reasons. Shame on you if you just flinched, rolled your eyes, or laughed. You are missing out on some really good literature. Yes, there are bad young adult books, but there are bad books period. There are also books that just aren’t your cup of tea, so to speak, right? Many young adult books are written beautifully; with a level of insight and depth that is nothing short of magical. With some of the YA I’ve read, it’s more than just the quality of the writing. Although I’d like to believe that we all grow more emotionally mature and intelligent with time, there is a rawness and innocence of experience and expression that exists only with youth. Whether we make bad decisions or good ones, we connect with our emotions in a way that it utterly unfettered.
I’ve been reading “Always Never Yours” by Emily Wibberley and Austin Siegemund-Broka. I don’t want to give away every last detail, because it’s charming (read it?!) but it is meaningful to share that the main character, Megan, sees herself as a primer for the boys she dates. She and whatever boy she’s obsessed with share a whirlwind romance and then she is left when he finds the “real deal” elsewhere. Maybe it sounds cliché but man did I connect with her.
I could regale you with stories of each painful and confusing experience, but those lurid details are less important. What is pretty intense is that my experiences weren’t limited to my high school years, and I did not have some outstanding revelation before venturing out into the world. I suppose I was propelled through my teens, twenties, and some of my thirties, by feelings of self-loathing and a diminished self-worth. To be honest, when it comes to most of the men that left me…it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. And yet, bizarrely enough, that is not really the point here. What is the issue? Well, I spent a long time accepting crumbs. I did. I didn’t demand the important or the big stuff. I allowed one foot in, half-feelings, half-measures, and uncertainty. I allowed people to tell me they were thinking on it, or unsure, or weren’t really cut out for the whole relationship business.
I know I am not alone here. I know that many of you have had the same or a similar experience. We want something but we are too damn scared to open our mouths and just say it. We know or think we might be left and so instead of putting those pieces together and seeing the sense that exists there, we fight it tooth and nail. We stay silent, complacent, and in a flagrant state of self-denial. It was more than thinking things might change, or hoping they would. It was allowing someone else’s needs and wants and expressions to cloud my vision of what I really wanted or needed. We went through some of this already—all the lies we tell ourselves. There is more to this though, a lot more.
I described in earlier posts how I was pushed off-center and then criticized for being too insecure. It was a terrible situation and I am not excusing or condoning it. That said, there is a lesson buried within the horror show that was that interaction. Here is it: when you don’t value yourself or truly know what you need, no one else will value you or serve your needs. Sounds pretty simple, but we all know nothing is that simple. It is true though. If you asked the men who left me, they might tell you that I never really needed or wanted more anyway. The few times I expressed wanting more than what I was being given, I faced resistance and almost immediately took it back.
So, here is the tough love portion of this post. You knew it was coming. Two points became entirely self-evident once I went through this experience. First of all, to really drive home an earlier thought, people are not often attracted to insecurity. I thought I was being understanding, easy-going, and low-key. Nope. I was wishy-washy, lacking in confidence, and a proverbial doormat. It was not even attractive to me, let alone attractive to anyone else. I could go on forever on how I was torn down and broken by people around me, which led to this overwhelming state of “whatever”, but that doesn’t exactly scream ownership. And as we know, this is all about accountability in all the right places, including ourselves. At the end of the day, I chose to accept and internalize not-nice behavior and treatment. I chose to bend [and break] to suit someone else’s whims. I chose to keep myself in situations that gradually and substantially eroded my trust.
The second point is that no one is a primer for another person. I am not saying that as a rah-rah, “you go girl (or guy)” kind of statement. I mean, go ahead and feel that way because it’s great. Truly. The more self-worth you have, the easier this process is. Anyway, to get back on track, you can help teach someone about love, sex, friendship, anger, family, and a myriad of other experiences and feelings. You can influence them with your actions and behavior. However, you don’t prime them for the next experience in life. They leave because you are not the person for them. They leave because they don’t want you or what you have to offer. They leave because they can’t give you what they think you need. They leave because they are fucked up. They leave for a million different reasons. That’s the truth. They don’t leave because they’ve graduated from your school and they are ready for the real deal, for prime time. If their next partner had gotten them first and you got them next…well, you might not have ever experienced a relationship with them.
I am not suggesting that timing can’t be off. I am not saying that you can’t meet someone at the “wrong” time. I am suggesting that even if timing is “right” and someone treats you like garbage, they aren’t for you. I am suggesting that if all the stars seem to align, but you aren’t getting what you want or need, that person is not for you. I am saying that to imagine that you would be married to them with two babies like that other person is if only you had met them at a different time, or if only you had acted a little different, is foolish thinking. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t learn from your experience and visit things that you did and could change for the future to benefit you and your relationship. It simply means that you can’t make something happen. You also can’t bemoan time you spent with someone, thinking you were just setting them up for their real life.
I didn’t prepare my ex for life with his wife. That was his choice, his life, and his happiness. I have to examine the years I spent to understand things I could change in myself, but nothing I could have done (short of walking sooner) would have moved the needle. Regretting, pining, obsessing…all behaviors that will keep you stuck. They are unproductive and self-destructive. They aren’t even feelings that I would suggest that you allow yourself to feel to move through. They are feelings that I suggest you move away from as soon as they touch your heart or trouble your mind.
If you accept that you are a primer for another human, then you are suggesting that every move, every feeling, every action, is simply a lesson. It is not a really meaningful shared human experience, it is not love, and it is not friendship. It is a class; taught under false pretenses. You can examine everything you have ever said or done and then reexamine and swear you will change it for the next time, so it “works”. I don’t recommend that, but if you feel like you have to, then do it. However, that will make you feel sad and defeated. Here is a better exercise….take the same amount of time and figure out what you want.
This is the same exercise I recommended in my last post, but an extension of sorts. A good one. Chart how you lie to yourself to get the attention and love of others. Explore why you say you want things you don’t or refrain from saying you need things that you do. Don’t waste time on the “if onlys” or “what ifs” because you will find yourself troubled and very, very lonely. Happiness does not come in the form of another person. It comes from deep within you. It can be cultivated and nurtured by the right person, but only if they know what makes you tick. They can only know these things, this information, if you know first.
This is not about being obstinate or inflexible. Relationships and friendships require compromise and flexibility. The thing is, you can’t sort out how far you can bend before you really know your bottom line or breaking point. It is critical that you cut yourself a break.
Repeat after me: I lied about what I need, what I want, and what makes me happy. It is okay, because I am going to figure it out now. Once I do, I won’t let anyone give me less. When I compromise or concede, it will not be a result of fear or pain, it will be a decided choice made out of love and friendship.
You can do it. I believe in you. This exercise is like a balancing pose in yoga. I tell my students that they might fall out of the pose the first time they do it and even the tenth time. The trick is not how long you can hold without falling. It is how many times you can get right back into it, without feeling disappointed in yourself.
Don’t beat yourself up for falling out. Just figure out how to get back in again.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 
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