I honestly have so many topics that I want to tackle that I had a difficult time choosing where to start. I want to describe how to respond to or deal with lying, I want to expand upon red flags a bit more, and then there’s the holiday season (just to name a few). However, there’s this one topic that just keeps eating at me and I know that it is the source of irritation and pain for many. The topic takes on a few different, nuanced forms and has several clever names, as follows: ghosting, zombie-ing, or breadcrumbing.
I can explain what is involved in each of these situations, but sadly, I am pretty certain you are all already familiar with these concepts. If you are one of those innocent and lucky souls that haven’texperienced the true displeasure that comes with being ghosted, zombied, or breadcrumbed then let me be the one to tell you that they are as they sound; vanishing or disappearing acts, with sporadic reappearances in some cases. In many ways, it is the cruelest and most vile thing that one person can do to another. It is, in my opinion, far more cruel than formally ending a friendship or relationship. What is staggering is the reality that this behavior can be found in friendships, dating, and even at work; with prospective or existing employers. I am certain that these behaviors are not “new”, although I am equally sure that they are more prevalent with the emergence of new technologies and the slow but evident erosion of basic etiquette and manners.
The first lesson or sentiment is a simple one, but it is really, really important. It goes like this: you cannot stop someone from exhibiting this behavior, but you can prevent yourself from being a continuous victim. This is a reoccurring theme on the blog in some ways, so it should come as no surprise when I tell you that you ultimately have no control over another person’s behavior, but you very much have control over your own. I have experienced all three of the above despicable behaviors and have encountered such in nearly every situation possible; with work, friends, and with relationships. One would think that the response is different depending on the environment you are in, but that is where the second lesson comes into play, as follows: your response to this behavior SHOULD NOT BE ANY DIFFERENT no matter who the predator is on the other end. Yes, that’s right; I called that person a predator, because this IS predatory and horrific behavior. The third lesson ties into the other two but is very much a stand-alone in its own regard. It goes like this: you should never believe that you are being treated to this behavior because of something wrong with you; you are not the only victim of this behavior when it comes to the human perpetuating it; and you should use the situation as an opportunity to self-reflect. Yup, I said it. Even this disgusting behavior is an opportunity for a little inward exploration. You didn’t cause someone to act that way, but you could be doing things to attract or welcome this behavior.
Let’s begin at the beginning. You cannot stop someone from disappearing on you or jumping in an out of your life. You can stop the cycle by taking a step back, telling that person you find the behavior intolerable, or simply explaining that they are not welcome in your life again. The last part of that sentiment can be conveyed directly or can be accomplished by blocking that person from your phone and social media. You have to choose what reaction you wish to exhibit based on the relationship you have with that person. For example, when a prospective employer ghosted me, I elected to leave well-enough alone. When they reemerged almost a year later to offer me employment, I respectfully explained that their process was so disjointed and unnerving that I wasn’t sure it was the right fit for me. I wasn’t cutting off my nose to spite my face; I was recognizing a corporate culture that would definitely be deadly to my well-being. Their reemergence was not accompanied by an explanation or an apology. It was just a zombie–like stumble out of the clear blue sky. No thanks, catch ya’ later.
Breadcrumbing was a big, terrifying, and repulsive part of the end of my last relationship. I found out after the fact that he had moved on before we even broke up so clearly, he was no longer interested in me, and yet he continued to sporadically stoke the flames. Whenever I thought it might be the last I heard from him, after a week or longer of no contact, he would pop back into my life and even make plans to see me. It cultivated within me hope in a truly hopeless situation. It fed a need and want inside of me that would never be satisfied but seemingly was. It was a truly magnanimous mind-fuck of the worst kind. I mean life-changing. Hindsight is 20/20, right? I should have cut it off after the first time it happened. I didn’t need to learn anything about him moving on to decide that treatment of that caliber was not my cup of tea. I was afraid, I wanted to have hope, I was in shock, and I was very, very sad. All of these emotions led to me hanging on to a situation that was the most mentally damaging situation one can place oneself in. I could explore all the reasons why he elected to do this, but truthfully, it really really really DOESN’T MATTER! Surprise, it doesn’t. It doesn’t matter if they are having trouble letting go, or miss you sometimes, or need something from you, or are really just fucked up humans. It matters how you deal with it, at the time and then forever after.
You would think that the response to a prospective date or friend would be far less patient and tolerant than that of a boyfriend of nearly five years, but nope. Hope and desire are powerful forces and will cause responses that defy imagination. I’ve had old colleagues, friends, online matches, or past acquaintances express an interest in talking to me or seeing me and then POOF, gone like the wind. Again, I could wonder why they ever mentioned seeing me in the first place, but what would be the point? It’s an exercise in futility and it just doesn’t matter. I know, repeating Sally over here, but it’s true. To spend time examining why someone does something is to literally waste every single minute of the day. You will never know what someone else is thinking or why they changed their mind or spoke an untruth to start. If someone contacts you or responds to contact, makes a representation, and then disappears…take it as a sign. Do not reach out again, do not stare longingly at the text, or scroll through the entirety of their social media profiles. Do not make excuses for them. Tell yourself repeatedly that they are not worth even a moment of your time and delete. Delete it all. If someone really wants to get in touch with you again, they most certainly will. That’s just the reality. You don’t need to block these people necessarily, unless for some reason it causes you great pain or anxiety, but you do need to put them out of sight and out of mind. If they ever do come back, ask yourself if you want to reestablish contact with them. Make sure they have a good and viable reason for this yucky behavior. Understand that if someone is capable of ghosting or breadcrumbing, chances are they have the tendency to do it more than once. Yes, you heard me right. They may disappear, reemerge with a really good excuse or reason, and then perform a second vanishing act. This totally sucks on their part, but you truly have yourself to blame. It doesn’t make them less shitty to say that, but it is something you need to face in order to break the cycle.
I’ve had friends act in a similar fashion. They may be going through a tough time, upset with something you said or did, or just bumped you down on the priority list. I give a lot more rope to friends. I am not saying this is right or wrong, but just saying that this ebb and flow is more natural in a friendship scenario. What can be done with friends is you can identify those folks that are comfortable doing this, and you can bump them down the priority list. You can be selective about how you confide in them, what plans you adjust to see them, and how attached you are, generally. Of course, if someone is continuously pulling a magic act and evaporating from your life, you can also call it quits altogether. You have to use your judgment on this one. I’ve never been a fan of the disappearing act of friends or the silent treatment, but I also have tried in the last few years to respond much more appropriately. You can elect to beat someone up for behaving that way but again, it’s a much healthier and more productive situation to control the way you answer this behavior.
I want to be clear that this does not mean that you never give people space. People experience fear, grief, anxiety, upset, and a variety of other emotions, and will occasionally need to check out of life. The thing is, you will know when that is the case, just like you will know when you are being ghosted or breadcrumbed. There will be a million little signs to tell you. I don’t need to speak to those signs because everyone is different and TRUST ME you will know. Here is a major one though: if someone is a good person and is not looking to torture your life, deliberately or without a care in the world, they will exhibit some form of remorse or regret. I don’t mean just writing “sorry” but the REAL DEAL. I know, I know…sorry for all the caps in this post, but this topic always gets me fired up. It is rudeness to the ultimate degree. It is callous and terrible behavior and honestly, it just disgusts me on every level. If you don’t want to talk to someone anymore, then man/woman up and SAY IT. If you don’t have an interest in seeing someone, then don’t volunteer it. The mere offer is not enough to raise someone up. You need to follow through.
Okay, now the brutal part of this whole situation, accountability. You need to own your part in this. Remember, someone’s behavior is not your fault or your responsibility. However, you need to own that you might be doing something to lead someone to believe that you are a good person to bestow this goodness upon. Meaning, you are demonstrating a grasping need, vulnerability, desperation, undying love/affection, et cetera that sends the message that you will just take whatever shit they are willing to dish out in order to have the possibility of their presence in your life. Please do not take those words as judgmental. I swear they are not. I have been there. I have exhibited every single one of those emotions and behaviors, and more. It is not shameful to admit that, but it is silly to make it a pattern. I am not saying avoid those emotions, because sometimes they are unavoidable. I am saying avoid showing someone who is clearly in a position to harm you, your underbelly. This does not mean you should be bitter or untrusting. It means you should be careful and cautious. It means you should let people earn your trust and vice versa. It means if something is too good to be true, it likely is. There are some really phenomenal men and women in the world; special, lovely, giving souls. Those same people can fuck up and hurt you really bad, but again, if they do, they will own it and try to make it up to you. If someone does this to you and seems to rejoice in it, or just not care at all, then you might need to do some soul-searching as to why you want to talk to them at all. Expressing an interest or excitement in someone is not the same as chasing them. In the same way, protecting yourself by being careful with your heart is not the same as playing games. This does not require over thinking. If someone drops you like a hot potato and doesn’t come back, or comes back in an intermittent fashion, that is writing on the wall, clear as day.
Oh and while you are at it, don’t do this to other people, k? That doesn’t mean you owe someone a diatribe if you don’t want to be friends or you don’t want a second [or third] date. It just means there are respectful and normal ways to beg out of something. Don’t say you are into something when you aren’t, don’t make plans you don’t intend on following through on, and don’t vanish into thin air if someone isn’t expecting it (and you KNOW when they aren’t expecting it). Unless there is a viable legal reason for a vanishing act, I just don’t want to hear it.
Decide that you are worth consistency, respect, and honesty. This is some real bare bones stuff, and I know you can do it. I am. Every single day.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 