Swiper, Don’t Swipe.

I have often heard people say they were meant to be born in a different era. They feel drawn to the music of the 1950s or the preferred attire in the 1970s. While I am intrigued by the overall decorum during other points in history, I don’t feel singularly connected to any particular decade. I do miss the politer interplay between the press and politicians and I wouldn’t pass up a dinner with Bobby Kennedy.  Furthermore, I do feel entirely disconnected from and disgusted with this swipe culture that has steadily taken root over the last few years.

I don’t think it’s the concept of choosing or the method of expressing that choice that offends me. We all make choices on a daily basis and we express those decisions in a variety of ways. What the swipe culture has done is encouraged a reckless boldness, superficiality, and impulsivity. An action that is meant to foster connection has the opposite effect. It creates a barrier where one might not exist otherwise. It disconnects people for no truly legitimate reason.

The swipe was likely created for the reason every modern piece of technology and innovation was birthed; convenience and ease. It was a tool gifted to people so they could make speedy decisions with little thought or consideration. Think about what that really means.

Merriam-Webster defines a decision as “a determination arrived at after consideration” (Merriam-Webster. Decision. (n.d.). Available at: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/decision). What consideration is really paid if the fingers move before the thinking occurs? Dating apps, email programs, and online retail stores allow for the all-powerful ‘undo’. Shake, swipe, or press to change your mind? Or recognize a mistake that was made in haste and reserve the right to do-over? Is the reversal any more sound than the original decision?

I am not a fool. I know that our first feelings about someone are often based on the physicality they present.  There is something that attracts us to that person; whether it be their body, their face, or the entirety of the package. Then, for the most part (at least with me) something happens that is similar to what occurs during several types of sporting events. Teams win points for scoring or executing good technique, and then lose points if/when they violate the rules of the sport. We see beautiful eyes (ding), a nice figure (ding), and a bright smile (double ding), but then we hear a joke that is told in poor taste (wah-wah), we see a glance towards someone else’s shapely rear (wah-wah), and we witness a temper-tantrum over something that is a non-issue (negative ten). Although the physical person is what we first notice, this balancing act, this scoring, can occur swiftly thereafter. A good conversation with someone moves the needle almost immediately, just as a bad conversation has the same impact.

The thing is, with the swipe, we can’t even get there. The swipe doesn’t allow for that natural evolution that occurs when we experience someone face to face. I don’t consider myself to be insincere, shallow, or unkind. I don’t judge people on appearance, employment, or general background alone. However, that doesn’t really matter when one is immersed in a culture that is or does.

I am not even put off or offended by this. I am not concerned that I am missing a true connection that I might otherwise make if I had better photographs or a more compelling opening line. I am worried that this is the direction our society is heading in, permanently. Let me reiterate, I am not suggesting that our culture was once one of depth and meaningful connections between people that occur with some immediacy. We are built to appreciate and gravitate towards what pleases up physically. Outside of the evolving and changing view of what beauty is, that particular part of humanity hasn’t changed and likely won’t change.

What is alarming is the speed at which we now feel comfortable dismissing each other. There is no need to get below the surface because we can….SWIPE. We can remove that person’s face from our sight with a breath and then we never have to think about them ever again. Again, I want to keep it real here. I am not talking about some pie-in-the-sky nonsense where you disregard everything you intuitively feel to give something a go.  I am saying that we are failing to be thoughtful. I am saying that these technology trendsetters are striking gold because we are feeding it all. We are putting forth our most judgmental, shallow, depraved selves and they are loving every single second of it.

Let’s be totally on-level here, I am not a livin’ in the middle of the woods gal that is suggesting we reject all technology. I am saying that the algorithms on dating apps or social media websites are written to suit our patterns of behavior. I am saying that if we take a nice deep breath and pause for a moment before making decisions, they might have to tweak their algorithms. Instead of laying in bed at night and swiping through 100 faces in the span of 20 minutes, why not take a night off? Are you afraid you won’t get “good” matches? What is a good match? Why not plug in but be thoughtful about it? Why not look for red flags in profiles the same way in which we attempt to identify them in people?

I want to give an example so you know exactly what I am talking about. Let’s say you are seeking a relationship right now and a serious one at that. Why would you choose to chat with someone who doesn’t identify what they are looking for or who has selected “don’t know yet”? Are you foolishly convincing yourself that they just haven’t met YOU yet? I am not criticizing you if it’s you that I am speaking to. I am speaking from the heart, and my own personal decisions and mistakes. I am speaking to you because I have been you. I’ve changed. I am changing. I am a work in progress. I can’t singularly change human behavior or app algorithms. I can’t make people act kinder or nicer. I can’t promise that you won’t be downgraded on an app because you start pausing and thinking before swiping. I can promise you that you will feel better. I mean it. I feel better. I don’t wish that I was born during a different time. I am embracing who I am and the times in which I live. I am just doing so in a manner that best suits me.

I am not going to move a mountain and the mountain will not be moved if a few of us choose differently. What will happen is that we will individually start to have a real sense of self-worth. That’s what this is all about, right? I am not here to tell you how to find your person or the right partner. I am not here to tell you how to date. First of all, that is not something I feel passionate about and secondly, god knows I’ve demonstrated that I am pretty far from figuring that out. This is all about ways in which you can protect yourself. This is about things you can change in your life so that you start to value yourself enough so that IF you meet someone at some point, you hold them to the same standard. You demand that they respect you because YOU respect you.

If you don’t thoughtlessly swipe, someone else out there might follow suit, without you even knowing it. Maybe you will meet that thoughtful swiper, or maybe they will just be out there in the world, bucking tradition and being real. You will like yourself better. Trust me on that one. Just read what someone is offering to you and then do a one-Mississippi. Just one. Breathe first, then act. You can do it.

Until the next….

L.