Have a Happier Holiday

I’ve known for a few weeks that I wanted to tackle the topic of the holidays before they were immediately upon us. Well, I might have missed the boat a little, but there is still theoverwhelming holiday hangover (emotional, of course), New Year’s Eve, and then V-Day arrives shortly thereafter. I can wax poetically about the spirit of the season, but that’s not what you are here for, right? I am here to keep it extraordinarily real so that you feel less alone in every single part of what you may be dealing with or feeling.

The media is extremely unhelpful when it comes to this particular topic. I can’t blame the media or advertising companies for that matter, as they only deliver “what the people want”. Who doesn’t want to look at a loving couple gazing intensely at each other under a tree or in front of a roaring fire? Who doesn’t want to imagine that? It is romantic, charming, and only mostly unrealistic.

There are two underlying issues that I am going to address here, as follows: (i) tackling the improbability of most of what is portrayed in advertising at large and on social media; and (ii) practicing gratitude in a world gone seasonally-mad.

Let me start with a very important sentiment, which is that there are very, very happy couples that exist all of the time, including the holidays. When you come to a good place with yourself and in your life, you will not experience envy, bitterness, or anger. You will be able to look at these well-situated, in-love folks and feel happy for them. You might even think “hey, maybe one day I’ll find that too” or “I know that is waiting for me somewhere and when I am ready, it will find me.” That is the right place to be in for emotional health, but you can’t force it. Those feelings only come when you are ready. If you feel a little jealous or morose about it, own it. Cry about it, scream about it, journal about it. Allow yourself to really feel whatever you are feeling and whatever you do….don’t be full of shit. I promise you, that feels worse. It really does. I am not suggesting you are rude or make people impossibly uncomfortable with your sadness. Be cordial and appropriate. I am just suggesting that you not gush if you just aren’t feeling it. That’s all. Take some space, deep breathe, and move through the feelings. I am very happy for the loving couples I know, but when I wasn’t, I took a little space from them. That’s all.

Going back to the root of the first point, there are also a lot of curated happy couples. Do you know what that means? I know you do. It’s like getting a perfect apple at the supermarket, biting into it, and finding that the inside is brown and rotten. You know that’s happened to you (or substitute appropriate fruit or bag of bread). For all of the couples that are genuinely joyful, there are several gazillion that are utterly dysfunctional or miserable but prefer to put on a happy face for the rest of the world. And you know what I’ve learned? That’s okay. You might think you want to see the bruising reflected on the outside so you are forewarned, but you don’t. Trust me. It is totally that couple’s issue(s). It is not your problem and even if you feel better for a hot minute, that little glimmer of hope and happiness will not last. Misery loves company but then it sticks around. Ya know what I mean? If you let it, that misery will take residence in your heart. Do you really want that? You don’t. Move towards happy. Let other people have their sadness and drama. As for the fake couples on television, um, they are fake. Right? They are actors getting paid. There are also couples that aren’t blissfully happy, but they aren’t unhappy either. They fall somewhere in the middle. I like to call these folks real life. I like those folks. They are my people.

Let’s move onto the next point because honestly, it sucks. It does. People will make this particular point all the time, but they often don’t mean it. Strive to really mean it. I mean it now but I did the work to get to a place where I was able to mean it. I started out feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was pity party central. Facebook kept sending me reminders of last year. Do you remember when you went into the city to see the windows with him? Do you remember when you celebrated Hanukkah and Christmas with your respective families? Do you remember when you went away between Christmas and New Year’s Eve and enjoyed that time just the two of you? DO YOU REMEMBER? I did. I do. I asked myself how I could possibly not remember? I don’t miss him, but how could I not marvel in how spectacularly my life had unraveled over less than a year?How could he be married to someone else and starting new traditions? How could I be alone? What does alone really mean?

I am not discounting those of you who have never had a relationship on the holidays. You don’t necessarily have those memories to plague you, but rather the ghost of holiday “never-was”. That’s really crappy too, right? If only you could know for one year what that feels like, to have someone to exchange gifts with, to love, to kiss at midnight. If only that existed, life would be so much better, right? You know what’s coming. You must. Okay, fine…the answer is not necessarily. Or maybe. Or not really. Or definitely not. The common thread? Nothing is definite or set in stone. You cannot predict how a non-event would shape your life because there are too many variables. Either way, you get to the same place as the other folks, which is desperately needing a good dose of gratitude.

I am going to recommend an exercise that you will likely reject outright or scoff at, but I am going to push through that resistance and implore you to try it. Every morning (or night) list the things you are grateful for OUT LOUD to yourself. Don’t you dare tell me that you have nothing to be grateful for, because I know you do. Here is my mantra: I am thankful for my family, friends, health, job, home, and mostly working brain. I appreciate my vulnerability and compassion, my passion, my unwillingness to see the bad before the good, and all that I have been through, good and not so good. That’s correct. I am GRATEFUL for the incredibly shitty number of months that I had. That time showed me how decent and lovely people can be, how strong I am, how resilient the human spirit is, how much I really believe in true friendship and love, what I don’t want, how I don’t want to be treated, and the list goes on.

Here is the real truth: there is no growth without pain. That pain may not come in the form of someone breaking your heart. It may be your own grief and loneliness. Furthermore, you won’t be able to grow or move through your particular grief until you find gratitude in what you have. I promise you. You will be temporarily healed but you won’t really be okay until you say “thank you, universe”. I do it. I really, really do. I find joy in all the things I could take for granted. A day with my parents just hanging out lifts me up, I treasure time with my dear friends, I savor delicious meals, and I live for achy muscles after a good workout. When I slip and start to feel blue, I repeat my mantra. I play all of the good stuff in my life in my head like a highlight reel.

I feel like I should be clear about something. I am not suggesting you go into a “fuck everyone, I got what I need RIGHT here, and I’m just here for myself” mode. Nope. If that’s what you read, then you misread. You feel me? This isn’t about craving a life alone (unless you really want that and then you do you). This is about being totally at peace with your life and finding contentment with what you have, without seeing holes poked everywhere. Your life is not a ditch requiring filling. It is a complete picture. If someone comes into your life, they are a supplement, an addition, a joy…not filler.

You can watch the Hallmark channel and feel wistful, you can scroll through social media and feel lonely, and you can drive around to see lights and feel downtrodden. OR you can feel grateful. You can enjoy the silly romanticism of a good holiday movie, the adorableness of people’s holiday family or couple photos, and the beauty of holiday decorations. I know you don’t believe me, but I swear to you, it’s a choice.

If you can’t find anything else to be grateful for, then be grateful for the impending new year. Embrace a chance to start anew. You can do it.

Try and have a good holiday. I know I’m going to.

Until the next…(year)…

L.