Happy New Year! I have always found resolutions to be a fascinating topic. This is truly for a variety of reasons; beginning with the connection between the self and the expectations of one’s self. Out of sheer curiosity, I did some research on the origin of the resolution. There was a plethora of information available, but I started with the surest source I know (as your resident geek), the History channel. An article published on its website shared the following:
“The ancient Babylonians are said to have been the first people to make New Year’s resolutions, some 4,000 years ago. They were also the first to hold recorded celebrations in honor of the new year—though for them the year began not in January but in mid-March, when the crops were planted. During a massive 12-day religious festival known as Akitu, the Babylonians crowned a new king or reaffirmed their loyalty to the reigning king. They also made promises to the gods to pay their debts and return any objects they had borrowed. These promises could be considered the forerunners of our New Year’s resolutions. If the Babylonians kept to their word, their (pagan) gods would bestow favor on them for the coming year. If not, they would fall out of the gods’ favor—a place no one wanted to be” (Sarah Pruitt. The History of New Year’s Resolutions. (Dec. 30, 2015). Available at: https://www.history.com/news/the-history-of-new-years-resolutions).
This is pretty fascinating stuff, right? Their so-called resolutions were not about hitting the gym, drinking less coffee, or “eating clean”. Instead, they were endeavoring to generally make themselves people worthy of favor and positive appraisal. Don’t worry; I’m not delving into some strange religious tangent here. I am also not criticizing religion. Bottom line, this has nothing to do with religion. What it has to do with is the idea that over time, resolutions have veered from general self-improvement to exercises in self-deprecation and futility.
I am not suggesting that resolutions are a terrible idea. I am also not making some broad sweeping statement that there isn’t some real value in setting intentions or goals. However, I do think it is important to look at the objectives we create for ourselves in the context of our needs, our limitations, our environment, our emotional state, and well…reality. I also think the ‘why factor’ is important. Whenever I set a goal for myself, I’ve made it a habit to ask why so that I can explore whether that goal is reasonable and fair.
I want to give a real life example so all of this doesn’t sound wishy-washy or like some trite and irrelevant motivational poster. I was struggling at work. I was feeling like I had hit a stalemate. I was treading water and not really going anywhere. There were a variety of factors involved, none of which are the focus of this particular post. Based on random feedback I had received and general undercurrents I had picked up on in a variety of meetings, I decided that the solution to my problems was law school. I would get my law degree. This would give me the credibility that I lacked and open the doors I felt were closed in my face. I studied (hard) and took the LSAT. I did reasonably well and applied to local law schools. I got into the schools I had applied to and then I scheduled meetings with my boss to figure out an adapted work schedule. I went so far as to meet with the counselors at the school to discuss offered scholarships and a schedule that accommodated work and the requisite courses. The week or so before I had to make a decision, I found myself agonizing over the choice I had to make. However, instead of the decision revolving around ‘where to go’, I found myself struggling over ‘why to go’. Was I choosing the law school path because it was something that would enrich my life, with the added benefit of occupational growth? Or, was I journeying down a road that I felt was expected of me? Was I committing myself to an educational endeavor because I was excited about the possibilities or was I trying to prove something?
This self-exploration was a humbling experience for several reasons. I had to admit that I really, really, really cared what people thought of me. I had to admit that I made decisions or at least contemplated decisions based on that perception of other’s opinions. I had to come to grips with the fact that while sometimes a decision that is ill-motivated aligns with what is the best course of action for me; that is not often the case. I had to fully recognize that I was seeking a very specific result when one was not even remotely guaranteed. In other words: law school = growth at existing job or fabulous new opportunity. This could happen, but also, it is possible it wouldn’t. Once I got to the bottom of the truth barrel, I found out that I didn’t really want to go to law school. I love learning about the law and I loved exploring the legalese behind what I do at work, but I didn’t have to go to law school to do any of that.
You might be shaking your head right about now. This is a problem?? Figuring out whether or not to attend law school? Oh please. But it was, for me. It was a major life decision. I was terrified that if I didn’t go, I would stay forever circling the drain, but if I did go, I wouldn’t get the result I wanted or I would, but the process would be horrendous. To get beyond the stress and strain I felt, I had to do something pretty monumental. I had to explore my feelings in isolation. I had to delve into what I really wanted, separate from what I believed to be the expectations of me (general, societal expectations and specific expectations of those in my professional and personal life). This is no easy task, I assure you, but it is well worth it.
Do you want to lose weight because you want to be healthier and feel better? Or do you want to lose weight because you believe you will win back the affection of someone who rejected you? Maybe you are all twisted because of all the “perfect lives” you see on social media, and you want to change so that you can meaningfully gravitate towards what they have. This is the real stuff, the tough stuff. This is where you get real and ask yourself ‘why’ but also, this is where you determine [even if your ‘why’ is solid] if your goal is feasible. I’m actually going to take it a step beyond whether you believe your goal to be reachable or manageable. I am going to ask you to ask yourself whether your goal is kind to YOU.
Shit is about to get real, because I’m going to take this even further. What IF your goal was always kindness; to yourself and to others? If you made a commitment to kindness, wouldn’t it be easier to weed out what makes sense from what is an exercise in self-deprecation or deprivation? Making a commitment to health is kind but vowing to lose twenty pounds in a few months is not. Going to the gym more sounds great, but if you have concocted a schedule that is ultimately an over-commitment and results in stress, does that serve you in the way in which you deserve to be served?
What about people that say ‘this is the year of yes…no more FOMO’? Is that a commitment to less fear and social-anxiety or is that the result of a fear of disappointing others? What if instead of promising to commit to greater socialization, we committed to figuring out what we really wanted and communicating that kindly and honestly? Like instead of saying yes to a social event and then bailing or going with massive anxiety, we could tell the person that it is not our ‘thing’, but we would be happy to make alternative plans that worked better. AND if that person rejects this expression, then perhaps it is meaningful to explore the foundation of the friendship and whether it is indeed genuine.
Instead of vowing to get in touch with someone on a specific schedule, make a conscious decision to demonstrate to that person what they mean to you. Don’t vow to speak once a week. Drop a text when they cross your mind and let them know that they are in your thoughts. Don’t promise to never eat _____ again. Don’t deprive yourself as a punishment for enjoying ________. Enjoy the damn _______ and then move on. You want to commit to a diet because it feels good for you? Go for it. Don’t do it because you think you should, do it because you feel like you need a little structure.
I can’t promise you that this is going to be an easy path or what it is going to look like for you…because that’s on you. It is your life, your needs, your wants, and your decisions. What I can assure you is that you will feel calmer because your decisions will be more honest and they will be (come on…you know it by now) KIND. You don’t have to be dishonest or remember a story you told, you don’t have to make excuses or beat yourself up, and you don’t have to feel like a failure or a disappointment.
The path to worthy is not paved with good intentions; it is paved with kind and reasonable intentions. It is paved with self-exploration, self-reflection, and forgiveness. Join a gym. Stop drinking coffee. Volunteer with the VA. Do what brings you joy, but above all…just be kind. That you can do.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 