I want to start this post with an honest and difficult statement: some of the better-looking men I dated were pretty terrible humans. I want to clarify that statement by explaining that I am not at all suggesting that good-looking people are not good people. Furthermore, I didn’t take a survey or gather a consensus. Rather, I am making an observation from my seat in my little corner of the universe that they were terrible humans with me and to me. That’s not to suggest that they might be stellar elsewhere in life [following some growth and self-reflection]. It’s doubtful because of what seemed to be their fundamental character traits, but anything is possible. What’s my point? Good looking does not mean perfect. Attractive on the outside does NOT mean beautiful on the inside. One can be beautiful on the inside and out, but there is no direct line between those two sentiments. And last but not least, just because someone is attractive does not mean they will be a better boyfriend/girlfriend/friend/co-worker, etc.
With this fact in mind, and in thinking about the art of attraction, I find myself confused and pretty frustrated. Am I attracted to a friend or significant other because of my chemical makeup, due to how I think and see things, and/or because they represent who my soul yearns to connect to? OR, am I attracted to them because of what society tells me I should be attracted to? Am I utilizing a formula that tends to miscalculate? Most of you reading this, and most people generally will say that where they are concerned, it’s the former rule for attraction. While I am not trying to call anyone out as stating a untruth, I am going to argue that at least 50% of people who assert that are not attracting folks for those reasons denoted above, even if they believe it in their heart of hearts. I am going to demonstrate that the universally prescribed notions of ‘what is attractive’ are so pervasive and we are so wanting that even if we are unknowing and unwilling, we absorb them as some base metric.
If you are currently shaking your head no, then I would kindly invite you to visit the self-help section on Amazon or in your local bookstore (if you can find one…sigh). If the power of attraction is solely a force that exists within you, built by your own DNA and powered by your own wiring, then why are there a trillion books and other pieces of media advising how to attract the person/friend/job of your dreams? If attraction is personal and organic, how can it possibly be a shared sentiment?
I want to affectionately start the conversation with what I describe as disclaimer-laden attractions. You know these, right? You probably don’t immediately recognize that phrase, but I am going to explain and then I think you’ll say “ooohhh….yeeaahhh.” You meet someone and you find yourself attracted to them (friend, significant other, etc.) but you don’t understand the attraction or somehow the attraction flies in the face of conventional attraction (you know, what the BOOK says). Thus, you feel like you need to attach a disclaimer to the attraction. This is what that looks like: “I have this friend. She’s kind of loud/goofy/crass/etc. but she’s super sweet to me and we have fun.” Or perhaps: “I met this guy. He isn’t super good looking, but he treats me like a queen.” That’s the disclaimer attraction. You feel me now? We need to explain to others why we are breaking with what is considered conventional attraction. We need to explain the apparently inexplicable. We need a justification for our off-key people meter. But, do we? Why are some generally accepted rules for attraction the “end all, be all”? What works for some does NOT work for all in so many different areas….so why is attraction any different? Why would we turn away from someone that could work for us to embrace someone that everyone else tells us works for us?
Well, the biggest challenge we tend to face in life is breaking the habit of who we are. Based on a good deal that I’ve shared thus far, it might seem like a contradiction or hypocrisy to suggest fundamentally changing one’s self. However, what if there is a component of you that has been planted by an external force, is counter to your “true” self, and is ultimately harmful to your overall sense of self? Does that change the equation or shift the perspective? What if who you are attracted to has been programmed in so that you convince yourself to like someone who you might not really like otherwise or vice versa?
I am getting pretty existential here, so let me bring it back to reality. I meet a woman who is newly hired at my firm. She is pretty and has her shit together; bright, well-dressed, and seems to have a solid-home life. Something about her just doesn’t sit well with me, but I find myself saying “I don’t know why I don’t like her; I just don’t. It must be jealousy or something like that.” Now, it is possible that jealously or intimidation is at play, but it is also possible that something deep within me is reading something deep within her. When we reject our instinct, our gut, in favor of what society “pushes”, we often find ourselves doubting the whole of our instincts. We become uncertain; relying on external reinforcement rather than ever looking within to move forward. We become more susceptible to manipulation and even gaslighting.
Why does any of this matter? Well outside of what I’ve just stated, which I will dive into a bit deeper momentarily, there is another monumental impact that occurs. When we send attraction signals out into the universe and those signals are skewed or externally propelled, we then attract that very thing to us. Case in point, in the past, I chose superficially. I chose based on what I thought would be good for me. I chose based on a glossy picture of what I thought a relationship or friendship should be. I chose put-together, driven, well-dressed, big smiled, and full of charm. You know what I missed? Compassion, kindness, and the ability to cultivate joy. I missed the willingness to be forgiving and understanding. I saw ruthlessness and made it acceptable in my mind under the guise of success. I faced judgment and criticism and felt inferior, instead of insulted and outraged. I readily accepted arrogance and haughtiness; mistaking it for courage and a solid self-esteem. My innards gave me all these little pings to tell me that something just wasn’t right but conventional “theory” convinced me that I was the one who was off. I told myself that I wasn’t reading the signs correctly and I just needed to push through. I was so lucky. I was chosen…to be the friend, the girlfriend.
Again, I want to be clear. I am not claiming that conventionally handsome or driven people are not worth your time. I am saying that can’t be the singular piece of evidence that they are worth your time. I am suggesting that if one of those people is not giving you all the feels, then maybe dig into that feeling and understand where it is coming from. I am saying give people a chance. Don’t have a type, don’t have preconceived notions, don’t expect a unicorn. Bear witness if they turn into something magical, just don’t expect it. Look for humanity instead of what is lacking within you.
This is no easy task. Like many of the suggestions that I’ve set forth over the last several weeks, this particular exercise is pretty gut-wrenching for a variety of reasons. I want to get into some of the ways in which this will be god-awful, but I want to start by going back to something I mentioned earlier. You know, where I warned that if you base your decisions on some societal ideal or some external factor, you will slowly but surely erode your internal like/don’t like barometer.
This idea can be a little tricky to comprehend or accept in terms of attraction and other humans, so I am going to use food (because, you know, food). I am a kid and I am introduced to: eggs over-easy, scrambled eggs, omelets, hard-boiled eggs, and every other kind of egg(s). I try all the various and sundry forms an egg can take and decide after much sampling that over-medium is my jam. However, at breakfast, brunch, and breakfast-for-dinner, I am repeatedly and consistently told by my family member(s), friends, co-workers, etc. that over-medium eggs are unhealthy and disgusting. Not only do I start to see the over-medium eggs differently, but they actually begin to lose their delicious taste. I lose interest in ordering eggs over-medium. However, something else occurs when I have this particular type of reaction. I start to doubt my preferences in all kinds of food. I seek other’s opinions or try to gauge such before ordering nearly anything. You may be thinking right about now that you aren’t that kind of hopelessly insecure individual. I am here to tell you that you don’t need to have intense or even obvious insecurities to experience this kind of chain reaction. It is biological.
Of course, there are people who will stand their ground and maintain their original opinion, but most will begin to question their “attraction” to any path that is readily and regularly criticized or rejected. This is a pretty big message, so understand that it extends beyond just the attraction story. If you shift your thoughts and feelings because of a reliance on others [whether attributable to them or you], you will have a hard time maintaining a steadiness in your beliefs, values, and thoughts in other unrelated areas or when it comes to other issues. This experience can occur as a result of gaslighting (see earlier post), but what I am talking about is just plain old day-to-day.
This unseating of your thoughts and feelings is not even the whole of the ugliness that accompanies trying to think of things differently. In fact, there are so many risks and challenges to taking on the obvious or cookie-cutter stance on attraction, that I just can’t list them all. Just as a sample, I would offer the following as some of the primary risks involved: you can be rejected by someone that you took a chance on but didn’t really like (“rejection”) or you give the unconventional choice a chance but find that you are really not interested (“loss of interest”). This rejection or loss of interest can feel even more debilitating because you did “everything right.”
However, choosing someone who doesn’t “fit the mold” can exacerbate the feelings of loneliness and/or alienation within us. Moving away from a “one-size-fits-all”, superficial model for choosing a significant other, friend, or job can magnify what we perceive to be the limitations within us. The trick is telling yourself that you are choosing for you. Your friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/job is your choice, your joy. The people around you or society at large are not responsible for sticking it out in a relationship that does not bring you joy, so at the end of the day, why are you making their choice instead of yours?
I will discuss this more in another post (or two) but for the purposes of this discussion, I want you to go through an exercise. Take out a pad and pen and write all that you are attracted to. Once you are done, read that list no less the ten times. Don’t tell me, or anyone, but pay attention. Identify those items in your stream of consciousness created list that are near and dear to your heart, and those you just don’t have an explanation for. As to the latter category, delete them off the list. Discard them and set them aside. Cling to the “other” items and vow to be a person of substance, even if you have to fake it at first. Commit to making friend and significant other “choices” based on what actually serves you. You can do it.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 