I was thinking about what to write this week and it occurred to me that after Red Flags Parts I and II, there actually exists a Part III. Well I suppose there are as many parts as I wish, depending on how I want to approach the topic. What I really mean is that there is a last part of the puzzle that I haven’t yet addressed; the “after”.
Once we have identified red flags, confronted or acted in response to them, what’s next? Where do we go from there? There are two major parts of the “after” that I would like to address as follows: (i) the individual who perseveres and endeavors to prove to you that your assessment of them/the situation is incorrect; and (ii) your natural or organic tendency to gravitate to people and situations that present certain red flags. These situations are equally dangerous but you are equipped to handle both, or at least you will be, in time.
There are so many reasons why someone will work to convince you that your characterization of them or identification of certain traits is misguided or misplaced. First of all, many people are not self-realized or self-reflective. Thus, they might literally have no idea that they are who they appear to be. Does that make sense? I am not excusing gross or offensive behavior, because, no. I am merely stating a fact that someone might not have a clue how they are coming across or how they impact people, and so your revelations are a total mystery. There are also the folks that recognize these traits but typically use them as capital to shape their relationships; so facing a challenge to this regular pattern is disconcerting and difficult. It’s akin to a trade secret that they hold near and dear. They aren’t going to admit that they possess and wield these traits or behaviors because they recognize that they will then lose some of their impact or potency. This latter personality isn’t necessarily a terrible person, but they could be. I will explain how to recognize the underlying personality or character of that individual, but to be honest; it doesn’t really matter in the scheme of things. I would strongly recommend steering clear of either or both of those personalities. Consider the information a simple FYI.
I believe that examples help provide the most powerful imagery, so I am going to go with that for now (until I am told otherwise). One red flag that signals a situation that has harmed me time and again is a manipulative personality. A more benign personality will not necessarily recognize that s/he is causing harm, but rather, schemes in order to effectuate certain behavior, actions, or responses. S/he may have tried other ways to secure the same result and when his/her methods proved unsuccessful, they resort to “handling.” What does this look like in real life? Someone does not want to attend an event. Rather than simply saying ‘no’ because they don’t feel as though it will elicit the response that suits them, they attempt to change the mind of the person “forcing” them into this event. This can come in the form of downplaying or criticizing the event or the host of the event, emphasizing external factors that make the event less appealing (i.e. long work week, a commute, weather, etc.), or suggesting alternatives that are seemingly more attractive (i.e. Netflix and chill). On its face, this behavior seems harmless. They aren’t intending to wound. They are simply trying to get out of something that they don’t wish to attend. It is not harmless, at all. Harmless behavior is simply saying ‘no, thank you.’ Harmful behavior is orchestrating a context such that YOU are compelled to change your mind or feel terrible about yourself if you still elect to go [whether they join you, or not].
The latter personality I’ve described above starts with the behavior of the less harmful individual, but has a more sinister intention. They don’t just want to change your mind or your behavior. They want to make you feel badly about the decision you made [to attend] and question yourself whenever something arises in the future. They want to create a scenario whereas you look to them or another external force before making a decision. They want to create insecurity, unease, and disruption. I’ve learned that this desire typically comes from an individual who is seeking power and control. This is typically because they feel a loss of power or control for a variety of reasons, but sometimes, it is just who they are. This individual may not even mind attending the event but they are bothered by the fact that you have made the choice for them. They want you to feel badly for usurping their authority and committing the both of you to something, without direction or permission. This personality is someone easy to identify because even once the decision has been changed and the event cancelled, they want to continue discussing the issue. They want to know why you thought it was such a good idea, or why you felt compelled to make them feel so badly about them not wanting to go. They will drill into you until you’ve groveled, apologized, and/or promised to never make the same mistake again. They will persist until you acknowledge their foresight, patience, and perspective. This personality is more obviously harmful, and when you encounter them, the situation is usually a doozy.
So, how is one to respond appropriately to these individuals? How do we escape from this sort of emotional prison? There are several ways to handle this and you must understand immediately that this is NOT a one-size-fits-all situation. Ponder some of the suggestions that I put forth, see what fits you best, and then choose one of them, or go in another direction altogether.
The first suggestion I would make is to immediately extricate this person from your life. This might be viewed as highly unreasonable if they are a significant other, good friend or co-worker, but it is the ideal, and as such, it is the first of the options available to you. If you can for whatever reasons remove that person from your life, do it. Do it quickly and as painlessly as possible. If you cannot disengage entirely, then I would recommend trying to restrict access. What does that mean? Well, don’t be so available; in-person or electronically. If you can’t unfriend this person, then unfollow them. Try to stop liking their posts or watching their videos in the hope that the all-mighty algorithm will catch on and stop showing you their posts. Again, I recommend unfriending and even blocking (I know, crazy, but verrrry satisfying) but I recognize that is not available to everyone. Don’t respond to every phone call or text message that comes your way. Don’t make yourself available for every, or even any, plan that is presented to you. DO NOT cancel existing plans to accommodate this person. Make lists of what you like and don’t like about them and review them so you remember exactly who you are dealing with. I know, this sounds insane. You know what’s crazier? Permitting abuse from someone who either has no remorse or has remorse but no self-control. If they approach you and address the distance, you can respond by acknowledging the decision you’ve made and identifying exactly why you’ve made this choice or [if you are terrified] playing a little ignorant and disclaiming purposeful action on your part. Either way, don’t lie. Avoid but don’t promise to rectify the situation or apologize for your behavior. Own it, just own it in a way that works for you.
Let’s move on to your learned behavior, your habits. I can speak for myself in asserting that you can draw a very strong and definitive line between the different people I’ve allowed into my life, friends and significant others. They might be varied in shape, size, age, coloring, background, etc., but they shared a love of making me feel small. Let me rephrase. I have allowed all of these individuals to treat me in a way that I did not deserve to be treated. I shouldn’t need a disclaimer at this point, but why not, right? I am not claiming I was perfect in any of these scenarios, nor am I a suggesting that I never did anything to provoke or warrant certain treatment or behavior. I am saying that overall, these were not really my people. You know, MY people. This habit is not unlike any other bad habit. Much like kicking smoking or nail-biting, identification is the first step. Own it. Allow yourself to admit that you recognized the flags and you still permitted the crappy behavior, and then when given a reprieve, you chose the same person in a different form. Then do the work. I know journaling is not for everyone but I strongly recommend you writing down exactly what didn’t work for you. Read it, absorb it, remember it, and act on it. If a situation feels like déjà vu, it probably is. Make a commitment to choosing something outside your comfort zone. Allow yourself to sit in the discomfort and not exit as quickly as you’d like to. A quick exit usually means a return to what doesn’t work, so try to avoid that. The only way to get through pain is to get THROUGH it. You can’t go around it or avoid it. You have to face it head on.
This whole situation sucks. It does. I get it. I’ve been through it and I am currently a work in progress. I am desperately trying not to repeat the sins of my past. I chastise and brow-beat myself, I err, and then I bestow kindness upon myself, deep breathe, and start over. When I make a mistake, I don’t think “oh well then, forget it”, I just jump back into it again. I keep trying. Over and over again. I will keep trying, until I get it right. You can too.
Until the next….
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 