Just Give Me a Reason…or Not…

I think I have shared the following sentiment before, but even if I have it bears repeating. You cannot control other people’s behavior, but you can control how you respond to their behavior. Perhaps of equal import but perhaps more challenging to accept, it doesn’t really matter why people do the things they do. I know, that seems like an awful thought. You might have been raised, as I was, to have compassion for people. You grew up encouraged to understand people’s motivation and depending on their reasons, forgive their trespasses. I am here to tell you that I do not believe that securing someone’s rationale is directly linked to your ability to understand and forgive.  In fact, I would argue that sometimes the deeper we delve into someone else’s reasons, the further away from reasonable and safe behavior we stray.

I believe this for a few different reasons, but mostly because we rarely know what another is thinking, many have an inability to truly articulate why they do the things they do (which often leads to half-explanations or lies), and yes, some people will tell you what they think you want to hear. Someone being less than forthright about their reasons for behaving in a particular way is not necessarily malicious. With that said, the lying isn’t less harmful just because there isn’t mal-intent behind it.

I am getting a little off course here, so let me get back to the main point. My introduction is simply intended to be a disclaimer for the subject of this particular post. My posts are always crafted from my perspective, using my personal experience. I will occasionally do some research or bounce my thoughts off of a friend or family member to make certain I am getting my point across, but when I don’t explicitly state otherwise, the thoughts are mine and mine alone. I believe the work we all need to do should come from within. The thought of shifting another person’s actions or behavior should not be part of self-reflection or behavior modification. That said, I do think it is valuable to get an “outsider” or opposite perspective. Another point of view can be used as a metric to measure the validity or soundness of any particular assertion or stance. It can also just provide some interesting food for thought.

There are a couple of things to remember. Just as my posts are from my chair, the thoughts I will share came from one other person. He did not take a consensus and has no professional background or expertise. That said, the person I spoke to is a heterosexual man in his 40s that was married and currently dates. He is intelligent, fun, interesting, generous, and successful. So, why would I pick this individual to talk to about ghosting? Well, for starters, he is a man. In addition, he has his own vanishing tendencies; akin to ghosting if not clearly qualifying.

I am not going to recite our conversation verbatim or post some lame-ass interview on here. Rather, I am going to take one sentiment that he shared and expand upon it. I admit that I endeavored to “lead the witness” in our conversation. I shared that my thought was that men feared the confrontation that might come with further interaction with a person and thus, they find it easier to just fade from view. I was surprised that he almost immediately discounted what I said. He acknowledged that certainly there were cowards who lost interest or wanted out and didn’t know another way outside of a disappearing act. Then he told me that he believed that most men ghosted because they wanted a way to keep their options open. I know…WHAT?!

I didn’t interrupt his thoughts or stop the flow of conversation with my expression of disbelief because I really wanted to hear what he had to say. He spoke to the swipe culture I recently wrote about and added an interesting twist. He pointed out that you could go out on a date with someone lovely, but then you get home, open the dating application of your choice and almost instinctively begin swiping through; seeing if anything “better” exists out there.  Cringe away, but try not to judge. If you are inclined to judge, then maybe examine your own behavior first. Have you never wondered or wanted for something bigger, better, shinier? Let’s get real; if we didn’t exist in a society that hard pushes the “upgrade” don’t you think advertising would be well, paltry? Would companies spent millions to craft material that incentivizes you improve your _______ if it didn’t mean anything? I bet you’ve purchased a new winter coat before an old one gives out. I bet you’ve tried a new salon/spa/food store, etc. because it boasts an improvement upon what you currently attend and use. Sadly, we do treat dating and people the same way.

What is interesting is that while someone might be “shopping” for an upgrade, they recognize the inherent value of what they already have and so they are not inclined to lose it. They don’t want to shut the door forever. Instead, they disappear in a way that allows them the ability to materialize back into someone’s life. This sounds hideous, but again, I am sure you’ve been subject to this at one point in your life, no? I’ve had friends that have gone a bit MIA and I am inclined to tell them that there is no point in us faking a friendship any longer. However, something holds me back from moving forward with the closure. It is the same inclination that has me keep a blazer in my closet I haven’t worn in a couple of years. Now there is some line of reason here that suggests there are relationships that never warrant official closure and such an ending would only appear overly dramatic and unnecessary. However, there are definitely situations that could stand to have a good dose of closure introduced and yet, there is resistance. What if I want to wear the blazer again? What if some fun event comes to town that is perfectly suited for time with this friend? Even if the ______ no longer serves me, and possibly even harms me, doesn’t it make sense to keep it “on deck” just in case?

You can twist these words. You can make it that you aren’t good enough and there is something out there that is better for you. You can take every negative, self-deprecating thought you have ever had and layer it over this information. Or you can see this whole situation through a different lens.

I am NOT excusing this behavior. I’ve told you before how I feel about ghosting, but if you are confused, I’ve shared far less than warm and fuzzy thoughts. I think it is deplorable. It is spineless, thoughtless, mean, and cruel. This information is not being shared so you can beat yourself up and wonder why you don’t measure up to _______. This is being shared so that you can control and modify your own behavior. Someone only has access to you to keep you in the rafters so long as you permit this access. If you cut them off, you shut down the access point. Don’t keep a wayward match in your app queue and don’t keep a text message that’s left unanswered sitting in your inbox. Don’t gaze wistfully at words, a photograph, or an old voice message and pray that your intentions will materialize into action on someone else’s part. Not only can you not make someone else do what you want, but why would you want to?

The same goes for you. You don’t have to go around brutally ‘deading’ your friendships and relationships, but perhaps you could delete someone’s contact information and/or unfriend them? Maybe you can finally donate that item of clothing or a piece of useless furniture? Delete the 12 saved episodes of that television show you are just never going to watch. Be real with yourself in every occasion that presents.

You cannot change someone else, just like you cannot read their mind. You can tell yourself all the reasons why you didn’t measure up or you can be grateful that you dodged a bullet. If someone is relentlessly price-shopping other humans, do you really want to be the person they land on? If you are their bronze ring, have you really aspired to your best self? I am not even going to entertain all the reasons why someone has vanished and kept you on the back burner (fear, insecurity, your insecurity, some shallow attraction principle, etc.), because again, this doesn’t serve anyone. You can create a safe space around yourself where you don’t allow yourself to be someone’s back-up plan or last resort. This doesn’t have to be done with bitterness or anger. Don’t begrudge them this juvenile behavior. Just don’t permit it to creep towards your heart.

My ex no longer has any ability to hurt me. He literally means nothing to me. Our time together was a blip on the radar that taught me a TON about my strength, tolerance, perseverance, desire for happiness, and RED FLAGS. I am not bringing him up because he is at the forefront of my mind. Rather, it might help if I share a very personal example. After he mysteriously ended things with me in a way that I didn’t “get”, he ghosted/”breadcrumbed” me. I now believe that he was doing this to buy time in order to firm up his new life and options. I will never really know, and it doesn’t matter. YES I meant what I said earlier. It truly doesn’t matter. The day I pushed away senseless and insane hope, decided to take a hard look at who he was/is and what our relationship was, and created my first boundary, was truly the first day of the rest of my life. No matter what he did, it didn’t matter. He couldn’t touch me. He couldn’t hurt me. He ceased to matter. I ghost-busted the shit outta him until he was quite literally invisible to me. I survived that decision. Better than survived. I am so much happier for doing what I did, no matter how challenging it seemed at the time. So there’s my real deal truth.

Here is another hard truth [and you aren’t going to like it]: if you can recognize that someone is ghosting you for this reason and you continue to permit them access or commit the drop-in yourself (i.e. social media following, random text messages, etc.), then your pain is your responsibility and yours alone. That sucks, right? I’m sorry, but it’s true. Even if they are selfish, self-serving, rude, and horrible…if you keep the door open, you are telling the universe that you are welcoming in whatever bottom-dwelling sea creature creeps over the threshold. I welcomed in the pain for just long enough until I decided I would rather not be my worst enemy. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Let’s all have some self-respect. It’s not easy. TRUST ME, but I know you can do it.

Until the next….

L.