Traveling Intelligently

It was December 2001 and I had graduated from college a few months earlier than my compatriots with the intention of pursuing time abroad. Given that it was just a few short months after the horrifying and tragic nightmare that was 9-11, the airport was pretty quiet; particularly the international terminal. As a bit of insight, I have a lengthy history of excitedly planning _____________ and then sitting with a bit of anxiety the days/night/hours before _______ is set to occur. I never let my fear stop me from moving forward, but I feel it. So yeah, I was pretty scared. I was twenty-one and the path in front of me was insecure and uncertain. I was also really excited. I was thrilled to start a new chapter in my life; to find my own way. I glanced around the sparsely populated airport and briefly contemplated what had occurred on a few airplanes less than 100 days prior to that moment.

As if sensing my anxiety, my mom looked me straight in the eyes and said something that has stayed with me in the most profound way for all of these years. She told me that there were not so good people in the world and that is just a fact. She reiterated that those not so good people for whatever their reasons, do terrible things sometimes, and sometimes there is no way to stop those terrible things from happening. There is no need for anxiety because no amount of worrying can stop those things from occurring and furthermore, if I put my life on hold to “avoid” bad things, I’d be feeding an unnecessary and ugly fear monster. Ultimately, I would just be hurting myself. She finished her little pep talk by reminding me that in some ways, whether I liked it or not, this was the safest time to take my journey as the right people were on high alert and additional precautions were being taken.

What does this have to do with relationships and self-exploration? Everything.

I have started to move away from the word ‘baggage’ when it comes to human beings, so I will begin by saying that everyone I know has a history. It is a part of being human, being alive. Some histories are more colorful than others but EVERYONE has one. My history has shaped me; molded me into the woman I am today. I am not ashamed of it and I certainly don’t need to hide from it. I’ve had moments of great weakness and insecurity. I’ve made terrible decisions and loved and trusted the wrong people. I’ve also accomplished quite a bit and made some really fabulous decisions. The ups and downs have shown me how resilient my spirit is, how committed I am to happiness, and how much faith I have in others. It has not made me paranoid, bitter, or jaded. I don’t think people are terrible and relationships [and friendships] are all doomed to fail. To the contrary, my experiences have made more apparent the amazing people I know. They’ve shown me people’s capacity for kindness, love, and compassion. I haven’t grown bitchier or hopeless. I am more aware, more conscious, more plugged in, and more honest.

My history has given me perspective and patience. I don’t think everyone out there is a liar and/or a cheater. I think I have a responsibility to myself to be more aware and trust my intuition. Moreover, I have an obligation to act on that intuition. I don’t need to change or heal anyone else. I need to continue to work on me. The more “whole” I am (and I’m pretty damn near whole at this point), the more someone can complement my life rather than overtaking it. The more contented I am, the more I have to offer my friends, family, and a significant other.

This rule is not the same for everyone, because everyone heals at their own pace. In some ways, I started the healing process, without even knowing it, before my relationship ended because it was so broken for so long. I was sparking the engine without actually getting things moving. I was beginning to feel that overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction that comes from a lack of self-care. If you are newly traumatized or grieving, that is likely the most vulnerable time for you. Although there are exceptions (i.e. therapists, support groups, friends of friends, etc.), most people who are attracted to you during a time of grief or healing are attracted to weakness. They may not even be conscious of it, but they are gravitating towards your mess for some reason that is more than likely unhealthy. At best, it is someone who looks to “fix” or heal others, and they want to bestow that energy on you. At worst, it is someone who is hurt and therefore, wants someone to hurt or a partner to join them in their own hurt. I think this goes without saying but there is no prescribed timeline for healing or getting back to whole as the process is different for everyone and/or every situation. I can only tell you that if you aren’t sure you are ready, you are likely not ready. Give yourself the proper time. Don’t rush it. I don’t care how old  you are, you’ve got time.

My airport experience nearly twenty years ago (yikes!) is just as important and critical today as it ever was. Where I stand today, I persist in the face of fear, accept the fact that I can’t control most things, and recognize that my history is not a point of embarrassment. Today, right now, I am now the best I’ve ever been. If my strength and character are scary or off-putting to a friend or a potential date, I understand that they are not the right person to enter or remain in my life. I was adrift and lost but I am no longer. Even when I was “floating”, I never needed another human to rescue me. Of course I welcomed the support and encouragement of those around me, but I didn’t need it for my survival. I needed to get my shit together. I needed to want to get back to good. I didn’t need someone to complete me. I needed to mend the pieces and figure out why they broke to begin with, and then I needed to set a course in a different direction. No one else can fix us….we all get that by now, right? No one can heal you or mend a hole. You have to do the work. Just you. All day, every day.

Before you think otherwise, I want to reiterate that I am not peddling hokey crap as it did not work for me. Yes, I glanced at every motivational post on social media, read every book that was recommended, and watched every YouTube video. This wasn’t a “breathe in, breathe out….and just be happy” situation. I told a friend recently that it was a “fake it until you make it” situation. Strange, right? Like why would I encourage authenticity and then in the same breath push anything “fake”? Well, it is because it is not meant to be a long-lasting bs type scenario. This isn’t about pretending you are happy and/or lying about it. For me, it was waking up in the morning and deciding it was going to be a better/good day. Rather than seeking all the reasons why it wasn’t, I sought support for why it was. I backed into a pre-determined conclusion of joy. We are all different, right? However, no matter who you are, I guarantee that if you wake up in the morning and think your life sucks, the universe will definitely show you all the reasons why it sucks. If you wake up with gratitude, you may not be slap-happy overjoyed, but things are shaded just a little differently. More pink, less gray. There is a freedom and lightness that will result. That’s why they call it the power of positive thinking…you feel me?

You should know by now that I am not telling you anything that I haven’t experienced in the most personal way. I am not all sunshine and rainbows in a post and then a giant dark cloud in my personal life. I have frustrations and sad moments. I still have to very carefully consider my decisions. But for the most part, I’m good. I really am. I’m solid and stable and looking forward to what comes next, whatever that may be. As an aside, I don’t think the cosmos is going to deliver all the goodness because I’ve “been through so much”. I just know whatever comes next I’m totally able to handle it. I haven’t manufactured emotional armor or walls. I’m just committed to a more honest life and what that means. People will come and go. I will likely be hurt and disappointed, but I will also be happy and grateful.

One thing is clear. Whomever I share my life with next, friend or significant other, is getting the best version of me. Not a version laden with “baggage”, but one that has been well-shaped by a history that was meant for me.

Don’t be ashamed of your trials and tribulations, your mistakes, or your heart breaks. Own it. Live it. Learn from it. You can do it. I did.

Until the next…

L.