I was recently sent an article to read that near instantly inspired this week’s post. Interestingly, the article was about Martin Luther King Jr. and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, not relationships and self-reflection. Before you get crazy, thinking I’m taking a turn for the political, let me assure you that I’m not. Just bear with me for a heartbeat and all will be revealed.
Per the article, quoting a statement by the Clergy and Laymen Concerned About Vietnam, MLK once said, “A time comes when silence is betrayal” (Michelle Alexander. Time to Break the Silence on Palestine. (Jan. 19, 2019). The New York Times. Available at: https://www.nytimes.com). This simple and powerful phrase flipped me out because in so many ways it hit very close to home. In fact, upon reading that statement, I immediately thought of all the forms my silence has taken over time. I pondered every instance in the last 38 years where I’ve paused, hesitated, resisted an urge, changed my mind, or bit my tongue. All the times I betrayed myself by choosing quiet over interaction, peace over confrontation, and someone else’s comfort and happiness over my own.
We will come back to that quote and the implications behind such, but let’s start with the ever-popular sentiment of “I pick my battles”. You’ve heard that phrase, right? Like at least a thousand times. It is a response to a variety of situations, from what’s for dinner to blatant emotional abuse. What does that even mean? How does one “pick a battle”? Why is war terminology used when addressing anything in a relationship? I mean, sure, relationships can be messy, complicated, and stressful…but a battle?
Let’s think about this a heartbeat. Hillsong thinks ‘Love is War’ and Pat Benatar historically crooned that ‘Love is a Battlefield’. Are they right? Am I mistaken in asserting that such imagery is too strong, too violent? Maybe it is that I firmly understand that love can be a battle, a war, a struggle, a mess, BUT I don’t believe that’s the best kind of love. I believe that kind of love is destructive, tragic, heart-breaking, and soul-crushing. I believe a love in which you “pick your battles”, a love that celebrates moments of silence, is only half-love. That kind of love is the same love where you accept whatever crumbs are tossed in your direction. That sort of love quickly transforms compromise into resignation. That type of love can be fierce and passionate, but easily morphs into terrifying and horrible.
Don’t get me wrong, as I am not suggesting that there is no measure of finding a middle-ground or measuring one’s words and actions when it comes to a relationship. To the contrary, I recognize the inherent value in a balanced and reasonable approach in relationships. I just believe, from my own experience in this arena, that there is a line that must be considered. Once that line is crossed, and a reluctant conciliation occurs, there is little that can be done to repair the damage. Values have been forfeited, morals have been abandoned, and personal feelings have been diminished and cast-aside.
When battle-picking turns into an exercise of constant self-restraint, it is easy to lose oneself in justifications and excuses. When I’ve withheld or quieted my voice, in friendships and romantic relationships, I’ve also forced myself to forget why I was upset or troubled. I’ve downplayed my own feelings and questioned the validity of their existence.
Are you currently reading this and telling yourself that you don’t know what I’m talking about or that you get it, but this has nothing to do with you? Okay. Fine. Have you ever explained your feelings to another by stating that you were “overreacting”? Have you ever started to express yourself, received a less than stellar response, and then immediately back-tracked and then forever replayed the conversation in your mind; rewriting history?
I am hoping you know this by now, but I am not writing randomly about a subject that I find interesting. I am not waxing poetically about a that I topic that I find interesting. I have lived through this situation time and time again. Actually, that phrase is not even wholly accurate. I haven’t just ‘lived through’ this situation. I was defined by it. There it is, and I’m not ashamed to write those words down for all of you to read. My life was shaped and molded by my ability to shrink down as small as humanly possible. The lines identifying me as ME were blurred to near unrecognizable by my willingness to disappear.
Although I mention it above, it is very important that you understand that this is not just behavior I exhibited in my romantic interactions. I have sold my soul in a variety of friendships, too. I mean, I’ve done it at work also, but that is the one place where there is often little freedom to make the changes we need to, which is why it is SO critical to shift the paradigm in all the areas where we do have the freedom and do hold the power.
I was talking to a friend this week and she was mentioning to me how she catastrophizes. She tends to think the absolute worst and then works from that point in the greater spectrum of life. This is a paralyzing and damaging thought process in most areas, except for when it comes to owning your voice. Bear with me, because you are definitely going to think I have lost my mind. I want you to catastrophize when it comes to speaking your truth. I’ve spoken about something similar before, so this shouldn’t sound completely new to you. I’ve referred to it as cementing. Imagine the worst-case scenario that could result from you owning your voice. Then ask yourself if you could survive that consequence.
Here is the crazy part: your answer may be no at first. You might tell yourself that you cannot handle losing a friend, being dis-invited from an event, or ruining your relationship (i.e. getting divorced, breaking-up), etc. These outcomes could feel unbearable and unimaginable. I can tell you that you will survive anything that comes your way, but I could be wrong. I do think you can emerge on the other side of such heartbreak, because I did, but you might not be ready to do that yet. For the most part, I wasn’t ready the several times I had my strength and resilience tested. I was forced into the situation(s) and given no choice in the matter. It was sink or swim. I could cry a LOT, dust myself off, and move on. Or, alternatively, I could allow my life to be ruined.
You do not know how many times I sat across from someone or laid in bed next to someone; feeling the overwhelming sensation of suppression and censorship. You have no idea how many times I decided that picking my battles meant full, unconditional surrender. I didn’t stand my ground, ever. I relented and caved. I uttered “its fine” so many times that I actually started to believe that bullshit.
I had a “good” friend that used to tell me stories about an unnamed friend. The stories were critical and judgmental. They utterly vilified this unknown person. Are you ready for the insanity? I knew that she was talking about me, every damn time. I felt the gut-punch and instantaneously made the decision to just “stay down”. I cowered and broke in the face of her passive-aggressive tactics.
This element to my personality didn’t just emerge overnight. In fact, there was a time when I did not silence my voice. I grew it like a dysfunctional flower. I didn’t just decide one day to play it safe. I didn’t make a conscious decision to betray myself with silence. I slowly figured out a formula for what felt more comfortable, easier.
The shitty part? The super easy path is NOT representative of the really good stuff. This sounds strange, right? First, I say that love shouldn’t be a battlefield and now I am saying that is shouldn’t be easy. Well, the catch is that there is something right down the middle. There is a half-way that makes perfect sense. You have a voice but that voice is as compassionate as it is strong. Your words are meaningful but thoughtful. You express your point of view but recognize that there is another way besides your own. There is not a dictatorship, but there is dialogue. The discourse you engage in might not always be perfect or calm, but it is not irrational or harmful. Life can be spicy and relationships can follow suit, but they shouldn’t feel like a door constantly slammed in your face. Relationships shouldn’t be a skilled tightrope walk that you engaged in; whereas your needs aren’t even considered and you find the best way to “manage” another’s feelings on a regular basis.
Do you know what your voice truly sounds like? I lost mine for so long that I had forgotten. I forgot what it was like to say I wanted a glass of wine or I preferred fun creamer in my coffee. I forgot how to joyfully attend an early morning spin class without getting ribbed or mocked. I couldn’t remember what it was like to tell someone that they were making me uncomfortable or hurting my feelings. It is so humiliating to admit these transgressions, but it is so damn important. I NEVER thought I would be that person. I was so independent and so strong. How could I ever let a boyfriend or friend trample all over me? Impossible. I did and it wasn’t.
Okay, so where do you begin? Find your voice in the smallest ways. This doesn’t mean being a nag or finding trouble and fault in everything something does. Allow the people around you to be who they are, but decide whether that means they “fit” or they don’t. Have an opinion, have a feeling, express an emotion. If you feel that tug of frustration or you are replaying a conversation over and over again in your head, then I can most assuredly say you’ve abandoned your true self.
This is not in lieu of or the same as being yourself. This exercise, this life change, should accompany that experience (see ‘Just Bein’ Me’). You have to remind yourself of who you are and then you have to give that true self a real, strong voice. Buckle up because you have to be prepared to pick every single battle, every damn time. That doesn’t mean beating someone up, least of all yourself. It simply means showing up, every time.
You can do it.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 