This lead-in is a familiar one because I am at heart a book worm, and therefore, truly delighted and inspired by the written words of others. So it should come as no shock that I was pretty inspired recently after finishing (drum roll….) a book. Interestingly, this particular novel described one woman’s experience surviving a terror attack. That depiction is an extreme over-simplification and certainly there are other details I could provide, but just in case you are inspired to pick it up, I don’t want to ruin anything. No spoilers here.
I want to quickly reiterate that I have not decided to branch out into other topic areas outside of self-care and wellness. Instead, I would point out that what unites the various source materials I reference here is the prevailing context. First of all, there are certainly no shortages of opportunities in which people persevere, survive, thrive, and learn. Thus, inspiration for my posts arises sometimes in the most unexpected places, like the situation described in the aforementioned book.
So, after that annoying disclaimer, let me get to the point. One of the “characters” in the book uses the following phrase: “Enduring with courage, resisting with wisdom, and pressing in faith” (Michele Phoenix. The Space Between Words. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2017. 289. Print.). I loved that sentiment when I read it. I mean I really, really loved it. I loved it enough to read it several times; absorbing its brilliant simplicity every single damn time. Although the words were used in a different place and time, and for a different reason altogether, they resonate in that special way that a really profound thought often does.
I don’t mean to intimate that these thoughts are special but must first be removed altogether from the story to appreciate them fully. In truth, the character that used those words was indeed facing a very challenging situation, so the connection is clearly available. What I mean to say is that the character was being challenged for religious beliefs, and I am using these words to examine challenges faced in relationships. This seems like the perfect time to point out that a struggle or obstacle is just that. Comparing, contrasting, diminishing, inflating…ain’t nobody got time for that. Yes, you should keep things in perspective. No, you don’t need to justify your challenge or measure it up against what you perceive other’s to be struggling with at that exact same moment. There are starving children around the world and in response to that fact, I can have deep and abiding compassion and do something to help, and also have a shitty day at work or a rotten relationship experience. You hear me? These things are not mutually exclusive, so just stop that RIGHT NOW.
While I am at it, let me remind you that you should also not judge another’s struggles (lest you want to be judged as well). You don’t have to absorb someone’s negative energy and you may not understand the level of importance they are assigning to something they are dealing with, but no one made you judge and jury. I have actually found that the more critical or negative I am about what others are dealing with, the further away I get from dealing with my own shit. Distraction and Procrastination 101. So just worry about you, okay? Like care about others, be compassionate, be a good friend/girlfriend/boyfriend/companion/co-worker/gym buddy, but stay in your lane.
Ok, so now that we know how to put things in perspective, let’s talk about what those words above actually mean when it comes to our interactions with other humans. I find things easier to absorb when I break them down, and there’s no place to begin like the beginning….so that’s that.
There was a time in life when I didn’t understand what it meant to endure, let alone ‘enduring with courage’. What is even crazier is that I know now, and I am better for it. I am sure a million words go through your head when you read the word endure. At least I know that is the case for me. When we endure we bear, tolerate, muddle through, stay fast, stay strong, hang-in, undergo, go through, live through, and the list goes on. Pairing these ideas with the concept of courage, then we must understand that the suggestion is that one bravely gets through something or some event, or stands strong during something or some event. Sounds pretty brutal right? I picture someone (um, me) standing in the middle of a raging storm outside, getting drenched, and someone asking me to put a smile on my face and tell them that the rain is refreshing. Insane, no? Well that’s what enduring with courage is all about. On some level you just have to put your big girl/boy pants on, slap a smile on your face, and move forward. This is a pretty common theme on here, so none of this should come as a great shock to you. This doesn’t mean that you won’t feel any pain. Far from it. You WILL experience a great deal of pain if you are going through a traumatic event or a major hiccup in a relationship. However, when you endure with courage two things tend to happen as follows: (i) you are effectively faking it until you make it and eventually the happiness and peace does come and (ii) you are creating a barrier, albeit fake, whereas those who have hurt you or are hurting you, do not feel immediately compelled to cause you harm because they don’t get the sense that they have the power to harm you further. Does that make sense? Let me try that again because it’s a weird one for sure. Most people that are hurting you are getting some satisfaction out of that pain; whether conscious or subconscious. Regardless of the actual rationale, these people are typically (and there are exceptions) only gratified if they are successful in the intent to harm. If you demonstrate that their end-goal is futile, there is little left for them to do but abandon ship.
In some ways, ‘enduring with courage’ is the very first act of self-care during/after a tough event or incident. Why, you ask? Well, you are telling yourself that you are capable of getting through whatever it is that life has thrown at you. Better than that, you have decided that you are going to come through this ________ experience with strength and resilience. You are not giving yourself a cop-out or a pass. You are not throwing a pity party or looking down a bleak path. You are taking control of your own destiny on some level. I know this all sounds really out there, but I promise you, it is the way to go.
Okay, so the full excerpt from the book suggests that this whole ‘enduring with courage’ business is not enough. Next we have to resist with wisdom. I mean really?! If endure has a million different meanings, then resist blows endure right out of the water. Not necessarily with its overt definition, but in its application and what it really means to you. This particular action has taken on so many different forms for me over the years given the different relationships [and friendships] I’ve had. Sometimes it meant actively and literally resisting; fighting back against verbal attacks or emotional manipulation. Other times it meant creating a little internal fortification to quietly and personally fight back in a way that was only obvious to me but provided me with the same respite and relief.
No matter the form, I learned the hard way, as the saying suggests, that wisdom is a critical tool when it comes to resistance. There are times that the resistance part itself is a little easier. Someone attacks us or treats us badly and we find a way to push back. However, if there is no intelligence in that action, the resistance can actually end up creating a boomerang effect where the harm comes right back to us. Maybe I am speaking too figuratively again, so let me give a real-life example. Someone at work throws me under the bus; acting predictably deceptive and careless. I take the information I have, barge into the person’s office and just lay into her. I tell her all the ways in which I think she is a snake. I haven’t prepared or allowed myself to come down from an emotional state so my “attack” is impulsive and somewhat ineffectual. I haven’t planned responses for the ridiculous excuses or come-backs that might be lobbed my way and thus, I come across as irrational and overly sensitive. No bueno.
What if I took a few minutes to really calm down? What if I took the time to walk through all the bs that might be presented to me and came up with smart and accurate responses to any and all possibilities? You know how someone who is calm, deliberate, and relentless is actually far scarier than someone who is yelling and out of control? Yeah, that’s what I am talking about. Resistance can happen spontaneously but to carry it out beyond a moment, it requires thought and strategy. You should be calm and collected and understand the purpose or end-goal behind your resistance. What do you want from the interaction? Do you want the person to never do something again? Do you want to embarrass the person? Do you want to merely protect yourself? Just a hint from my seat…try to avoid goals that are tied to controlling other’s behavior. That is a game of roulette that we scarcely win. Much like the work example provided above, I wouldn’t seek to change that person from the snake she is. Rather, I would calmly put her on notice that I was aware of her unacceptable behavior and I wouldn’t hesitate to take further action to the extent it became necessary. This is the same in a relationship. No one is a mind-reader, but you can put someone on notice that their behavior is unacceptable and perpetuation of said behavior will lead to action (just be prepared to take the action you’ve represented or face not being taken seriously).
The “pressing in faith” part of this is where I might lose some of you. I will give you that the context in which that part of the excerpt was uttered likely had much to do with the religious calling of the character. However, faith as I view it relative to this topic is not exactly in that same arena. I want to clarify that if you are a religious person and that calling or conviction helps you through…do it, to it. Otherwise, the kind of faith I am talking about is that strength that you have within you. It might be buried DEEP but it lives in you somewhere. I am not talking about some nonsensical experience where you throw on a flower crown, sing kumbaya, and chant about self-love. I am talking about some real ‘fuck, I like myself enough…’ kind of action.
I felt REALLY badly about myself for a while. Not just with my ex, but before him. Other exes, other friends, other work situations. I let the external world run my self-worth. I couldn’t see to loving myself…not by a LONG shot. But, I was able to quickly get to ‘fuck, I like myself enough to not put up with THIS anymore’ or ‘fuck, I like myself enough to not allow someone to ruin my whole life after they’ve jumped ship.’ It was a bottom line. That’s all. I decided that I liked myself enough to draw a line in the sand and say ‘this far and no further.’
I’ve always had a pretty good support network (lucky me) but the sad or good news is that they can’t help me “press.” Forward movement, the act of putting one foot in front of the other that is totally on me, just like it is completely on you. You have to find a way to have faith in YOU. Again, what I am suggesting is that you find a bottom line and cling to it like a life raft on the side of the Titanic. It can be a faint line but it must be immovable. You can even say ‘I don’t know what I want, need, or deserve but I KNOW it isn’t ____________.’ That’s cool. That’s really, really cool.
Enduring is weathering the storm, resistance is pushing back against the winds and rain, and pressing is finding your way out to finer and clearer skies. You will need bravery, intelligence, thoughtfulness, and a modicum of self-care to tackle all three of these challenging tasks. The best part is that you don’t need to have mastered any of it and you don’t need to be a guru or enlightened to be successful. You just need to find your own little piece of the pie and move forward with that.
I like a rainstorm as much as the next gal, but who doesn’t like a sunny day. You hear me?
You can do it. I know you can.
Until the next….
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 