What a Nightmare…

I have been having nightmares over the last few weeks. Well, I am calling them nightmares because they were disturbing thoughts plaguing my sleep that have woken me from slumber. If I am being totally real, I find them to be less on the bad dream spectrum and more on the ‘purging negative thoughts that don’t serve me any longer’ side of the universe. It sort of reminds me of what happens when I’m under the weather. I lay in bed, sweating out the toxins and eventually, I feel like the bad germs have been eradicated and my good health has returned. I consider myself to be an overall pretty healthy person. I am typically not entering into (knock on wood) illnesses with an already compromised immune system. I am a healthy person who is getting slammed with some serious yuck and then working my way through it. Sometimes it feels like the end is in sight and then my body sends a reminder to chill out, wind down, and wait a day. It is that little kick of exhaustion, the minor flare up of a fever, or the cough that was gone but isn’t really. The sickness is gone but the body needs just a day or two to properly recover; to return back to 100%.

After any sort of trauma or difficult experience, we get to a place where we feel healed; as if the worst of “it” is behind us. Then little waves hit us for a variety of reasons. Sometimes these things happen to remind us that we aren’t quite ready for prime-time yet (i.e. no making of new best friends or jumping into new relationships). On other occasions, we are ready to get back into the swing of things but we need gentle reminders to be conscious of the path we are taking. A new journey could be forged using the knowledge of what we have previously endured or experienced. I am not suggesting that bitterness or an over-abundance of caution is necessary. Let me again reiterate that you cannot change anyone or materially shape his/her actions, behavior, or thoughts. I am saying that you should process all the lessons you have learned from whatever you have gone through, big and small, and use that information to make wise and self-protective decisions moving forward.

I thought that I had done just that but then my psyche reminded me that there were a couple of areas that I still needed to muddle through. In this case, I didn’t need to learn something new per se. Rather; I needed to process information that had already been made available to me so that I could make sure I could make the connection to potential red flags (see alllll the posts). What’s sort of lovely is that I am no longer hurt or wounded by the experiences that came to me in my sleep so it was almost as if I was sitting and watching a movie; having a sort of unemotional but profound ‘ah-ha’ moment at the end.

I think there are a couple of extremely important points to consider when it comes to this sort of information or revelation. First of all, it is critical to pay attention; much like you would while watching a movie. The information is presenting itself for a reason and even if the reason is not immediately apparent, it deserves your respect and patience. If it is not obvious what the lesson is, then perhaps write down any thoughts you have so that you have time to process at a later time or when it becomes apparent that is the right time to do so. Don’t worry as I am going to get to my extremely personal example so that this makes sense if it doesn’t yet.

Secondly, don’t beat yourself up for whatever is revealed to you. Don’t dwell on what actually happened, what you failed to do, what you did do, what was said, etc. Just extract the lesson as quickly as possible, much like a splinter, and go from there. Onward and upward. This should not necessarily be brand new information, but if it is, you can certainly process it appropriately. Try and recognize it for what it is and then make a respectable decision.

Third and perhaps most importantly, use the information for good. Use it to inform, to shape, to govern. Don’t let it paralyze you or terrify you, but make sure that you don’t let it go to waste. Your deepest, darkest insides are trying to tell you something so that warrants a listen.

Okay, let’s get real since that might be just the thing you are waiting for. I won’t get into the nitty gritty of all of the few “nightmares” that I’ve had as of late, but rather, will reveal one of the most recent, and perhaps one of the most poignant. My subconscious reminded me of the fact that my ex used to love to scare me. That sounds silly, right? But it wasn’t. It was awful. I am not a great sleeper so occasionally it would catch up to me and I would pass out early on the couch on a Friday night or so. He would awaken me from a deep sleep with a yell or some other shocking expression. I wasn’t charmed or excited. I was terrified. Heart-pounding, knees-knocking, and sometimes even nausea. It wasn’t just that either. I would get up to use the bathroom and when I came back, every light would be off so I’d have to feel my way back to a surface I recognized. Some may think this is cute and funny. I did not. I loathed it. I dreaded it. I even spoke up and asked that it not continue and he responded by telling me that I was taking away something that we “shared” and as long as I wanted to make that decision, that was fine. Well, of course this turned it all around for me. I felt sick. I didn’t want to “ruin” a part of us with my silly fears and nonsense. So what did I do? I said “keep it comin’.” Can you imagine?! I consented to harm as a mechanism for keeping things light and easy and not disturbing the peace or our “routines.”

I know now that these weren’t “our things.” These were things that he wanted or needed to do and resistance rocked the proverbial boat and so I decided to stay mute. I am not beating myself up for this, nor am I thinking that everyone is going to have this same agenda. I AM trying to extract the triggers from this “lesson” and understand what really upsets or bothers me and how to make sure I don’t permit it again. Here is my takeaway: true abiding love does not involved manipulation or serving one person’s happiness consistently over another’s joy. That is MY lesson from MY subconscious exploration. Your dreams, thoughts, and feelings might be the same but they will likely be different. I am simply imploring you to plug in, to listen. Don’t discount these experiences as just a bad night’s sleep or a thought that the universe is trying to keep you stuck. To the contrary, you will be shocked at how free you feel once you fully process your thoughts and feelings and move through all of the gunk. You will be better for you and anyone you invite into your life.

Donate before you buy, you feel me? Recognize what serves you and keep it and get rid of what doesn’t and then consider what else might fit. You can do it.

Until the next…

L.