I was speaking with a friend recently about an injury he had whereas he advised me that it was mostly scar tissue “holding him together” in that particular area of his body. Since I analyze and overthink nearly everything, this sentiment really resonated with me. I thought how most people are held together by scar tissue in some respect.
As you are likely aware, scar tissue forms after an injury, during the healing process. Of course I did a little research and found the following response to the question of whether scar tissue is permanent: “Scar tissue is not a permanent fixture in the body. After it forms and healing has taken place, the scar needs to be remodeled so that it can tolerate the stress and forces that the body may encounter throughout each day. The remodeling process is essential to ensure that normal range of motion, strength, and mobility are restored to the injured tissue. Failure for scar tissue to remodel properly can lead to loss of mobility and joint contractures” (Brett Sears. Scar Tissue Massage and Management. (Nov. 3, 2018). Available at: https://www.verywellhealth.com/scar-tissue-massage-and-management-2696639).
Hopefully you are not wondering what the fuck I’m talking about or worrying that this is turning into some sort of weird fitness blog. In case you are on the precipice of those thoughts, let me tie this all together. I will start with one simple statement and expand from there. Ready? Okay…here it is: the scar tissue formed as a result of emotional injury is nearly identical to that of physical injury. For that reason, we can look to the information provided on physical scar tissue to understand what needs to be done when it comes to emotional scarring.
The reason that the topic feels strange or foreign, despite the similarities, is because as a society, I believe that we have not yet mastered communication when it comes to this particular topic. Sure, we have vocabulary for emotional scars. We speak of being wounded, bitter, cautious, changed, and battle-weary. We allow our emotional scars to shape us and change our behavior and the way in which we view the world. What we don’t do is talk about the work that needs to be done in order to engage in the remodeling process. We don’t talk about how we can manipulate those scars to make the journey back to our original shape and form or some improved version.
Failure to remodel correctly can leave us unwilling to or incapable of engaging in normal relationships. It can force us to doubt, chase, second-guess, retreat, or become inherently inflexible.
There are a few reasons why many do not engage in the manipulation of emotional scar tissue, as follows: they aren’t aware that it exists and the issues it is causing, they don’t know how to tackle the process of remodeling, they do know how to move forward but they are scared, and/or it hurts like hell so it’s easier to accept the smaller, more restrictive space in which the emotions have come to reside within. Each of these reasons is entirely valid, as are any that I left off of this list. Just as therapy for the physical body can be arduous and painful, the same exists for the brain and heart. The process can be challenging and quite frankly, brutal.
Sometimes we can forge this path alone and other times, we need a professional or an unbiased third-party to help guide and support us through the process. There are occasions where the self-awareness is not triggered by the trauma itself and so we must understand that trauma always has a ripple or secondary effect, and if we cannot feel that on our own, we must seek assistance in getting to the bottom of how we are impacted by any emotional event (i.e. job change, break-up, friendship ending, etc.). In other words, be proactive. Don’t wait to feel incapacitated or stunted in your personal growth. Do the hard work at the time it is necessary; opening the door to a more certain possibility of a smoother road down the line.
The first part is admitting your emotional scars or recognizing the trauma that likely caused the scars. Too often we utter the words ‘I’m fine’ when we are anything but fine. It is okay to be hurt, angry, tired, disheartened, and disappointed. It is okay to feel whatever you do when something happens in your life or to you directly. There is no right or wrong when it comes to how something resonates with you. Here is a REAL real-life example. I am comfortable admitting that because of my past, I am overly sensitive to the hot and cold behavior that many people employ as a ‘go-to.’ What might feel natural and comfortable to them reads to me as rejection or disinterest. Don’t get me wrong. It could be those very emotions…it is just that I automatically assume that is the message. The real point is that I should not be living in someone else’s head or heart. My emotional scars often place me in the emotions or behavior of someone else. I am clear enough to recognize that such a placement is not only fruitless, but can be incredibly damning and harmful.
This should sound somewhat like old hat by now…the whole ‘know yourself first’ business. That concept is really the cornerstone of any movement that ultimately changes our reactions to the world. We need to understand how we feel and how we normally react before we can determine how we want it to change moving forward. Do yourself a favor too and be honest. There are so many reasons for brutal honesty in this situation, but here are some of the most pivotal: (i) you only have to inform yourself so the typical embarrassment that might come with being completely upfront should not be a deterrent; (ii) if you aren’t honest with yourself you will likely not do the real work necessary to make the changes you want or need to; (iii) being dishonest with yourself in this situation only serves to create a pattern of dishonesty; and (iv) it is usually the most humiliating of behaviors and thoughts that have the greatest power to change us.
Next, we have to set a therapeutic course to attend to those scars. This is the really vicious part. Most of the time the “therapy” to manipulate emotional scarring involves a heavy dose of exposure and aversion. What do I mean by that? Well you have to face the situation that causes you discomfort and force yourself to respond differently (moving the scar) and then sit with it, unchanging, for as long as is humanly possible. You also have to call to the surface all of the horrific feelings and experiences that are associated with behaving in the “old” way or in the way that serves your scars and sit with that.
This must sound really out there so perhaps I can put it in a real-world context. I will use a pretty basic example, as follows: I have been lied to in nearly every relationship and thus, I don’t trust that people are being forthright when they engage with me; thus I question and second-guess the “truth” I am being told. Doing the work in the context of emotional scar therapy means that [once I’ve cleared that they are worthy of the benefit of the doubt] I identify my skepticism and distrust and breathe my way through those feelings. I recall all the ways in which my questioning and doubting have caused breaches and issues in my relationships. THIS DOES NOT MEAN I IGNORE MY GUT AND TRUST EVERYONE!!! This just means that I try and move away from employing self-defense mechanisms in scenarios where such is not warranted. The “work” or “therapy” gives you the ability to discern between good, bad, and okay situations and respond accordingly; as opposed to responding the same way to everyone in every situation.
I have said it before but it is a very important concept. We are all products of our history. We are shaped and molded in accordance with the events and people that have touched our lives. I am not suggesting that the history that is fundamentally our “base,” our fabric, should be discarded. I am saying we have to learn from that history, work on that emotional scarring, so that each individual situation receives an appropriate and deserved response. I am saying that we need to measure our thoughts and responses to better serve our own health and sense of well-being. If every situation becomes stressful and taxing, if every situation becomes an impetus to retreat, or if everyone is seen as the enemy, we are functioning in a very teeny corner of the universe. The universe is too vast, too beautiful, and too exciting to only exist in the tiniest of corners.
If you find yourself in a corner, then take a few steps towards the door. You can do it, I know you can, and you will be much better for it. I promise you.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 