I went out for drinks with a new girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. Before I eased into the evening, I was flooded with feelings that were simultaneously familiar and foreign. The familiarity of my reaction was clearly a result of age-old societal doctrine. The thought that I was swimming through uncharted territory emerged from the thought that I should be “above” or “beyond” such dogma. I am not going to beat around the bush or come up with some sophisticated euphemisms to describe the thoughts that were running through my head for one very simple reason, as follows: I’ve made a promise to be real and honest when crafting these blog posts. Although a sugar-coating isn’t the most profound example of dishonesty, it qualifies in my book (that was part of my lessons, remember?). I was suffering from “being around the cool girl” syndrome. Yup. You heard it here first. I am 38. I was out with a woman in my age-bracket, and I suddenly felt very much like a middle-school aged child.
That’s fine, right? Whatever.
Of course not. Is it detrimental to your health to experience this very special form of discomfort, jealousy, and intimidation? Not particularly. Are there bigger implications when it comes to these feelings and your authenticity, feelings of self-worth, and overall approach to the world at large? Yes.
The good news for me is that my feelings were incredibly briefly felt because I’ve done a LOT of work. However, those feelings weren’t always fleeting and thus…a post was born.
I’ve often heard people, in an attempt to dispel harmful societal norms, make statements like: “What is normal anyway?” It’s funny because although that statement is uttered in some effort to reject a label, it seemingly does the opposite. That question holds an air of defensiveness and posturing; it reflects hurt and fear in so many different forms.
Am I losing you? Okay, let’s break it down. When we are comfortable with a label, a description, a category; we are calm, cool, and collected. We don’t take “it” personally and we may not even take “it” seriously. We don’t need to respond with a critique or a question because it just doesn’t matter. On the other hand, when we are uncomfortable, we respond with explanations, anger, sadness, and outright rejection and denial. Someone tells me I’m weird. I laugh. I am weird. I crave vegetables, read books at a staggering rate, and love going for long walks in the pouring rain. I don’t hear a negative condemnation. I don’t challenge the definition of weird. I just accept that in my brain, weird means something a bit different from what everyone does or likes.
However, what if we take a label that we are reasonably or even certainly comfortable with and put it up against what we deem the opposite of that label? Does it still fit as well as it did before? Does it still feel ‘okay’ and ‘reasonable’? At home by myself or hanging with the people who know me best in this world, I flourish in my weirdness. Standing next to a proverbial “cool girl,” I feel the very negative glean that can radiate off such a label. I question my outfit choice, my ever-present hair frizz, and possibly boring choice of cocktail. I start a list in my head of the facts that make me worthy or normal.
Good plan, right? When faced with an insecurity, I opt to build myself up. In truth, if that is your only defense, that’s not so bad. However, there is another way. We can look at the root of why we feel insecure so we can perhaps stop those feelings before they even come to the surface. And no, I am not about to suggest you look in the mirror before you go out and tell yourself how bad ass you are on the reg (I mean if you do that, good for you and keep it up). I am also not suggesting that you can individually or unilaterally break the bond of our damaging societal “norms” (and yet again, if you can, PLEASE feel free). I am merely suggesting that you look long and hard at those constructs and how they serve you. It doesn’t matter how they serve our society, your friends, your family, your co-workers, and all the cool kids out there. I am challenging you to determine how they serve you.
And yes, this is going to sound almost painfully familiar, but if something doesn’t serve you…why subscribe? There is no hard and fast rule here. To the contrary, the dedication to these “norms,” in my humble opinion, is strictly a function of crowd-think. Many people know certain thoughts or presumptions are wrong or at least wrong for them, but they agree to them or with them anyway. They find it easier to just “go with the flow.” So, I guess you start by asking yourself if its easier for you. If it is, read no further. Well, unless you want to soak up the entertainment value and then please, proceed. It is NOT easier for me to go with the flow. As opposed to feeling comforted and calm in the face of such “flow,” I find myself feeling insecure and unhinged.
I used to think that “going with the flow” and being “easy going” were the same exact thing. Well, they aren’t, or at least not for me. I am easy going. That means that outside of the few things that mean the absolute world to me, I bow to the passions and desires of others (provided it “works” for me). I am not apathetic and I am not a doormat, or at least not anymore. I reserve my strong opinions and decisions for those things that are meaningful to me. I will only care where we are eating if I think it’s a rip-off, I’ve gotten food poisoning there, or they only serve deep fried organs. A movie time will only tickle my fancy if I think there will be an outrageous and obnoxious crowd at a particular time or I have some other looming engagement. You see where I am going with this, right? Easy going. Going with the flow is another matter entirely, but you have to think of it outside the context of how it is typically used. I am purely and specifically referring to mindlessly and thoughtlessly conforming to society’s labels and categories. I am talking about molding yourself into “normalcy” or whatever the universe deems “normal.”
I might have gone too far off track from where I started and lost you, so I am going to try and sew the first bits and latter bits together now. If I can reject what makes someone a “cool girl” then I can feel entirely comfortable in my own skin no matter what company I keep. This does not mean that my new friend is not cool, because she is pretty fucking cool. It simply means that her coolness does not diminish me in any fashion. She can be cool and I can be cool and we can be absolutely radically different from one another. I don’t have to dissect or examine her qualities or motivations because I can just appreciate her for who she is; sans the desire to adopt those qualities and motivations.
There is another reason why this sort of detachment or realness is absolutely critical. When we apply societal norms, we begin to feel negative feelings (i.e. envy, self-pity) that ultimately separate us from each other. We may be around each other and spend time together, but we are actually alienated from each other and reject the loveliness that stems from having a real connection. Also, we are effectively denying someone the right to be themselves outside of this box we have created for them. We are imposing on them our perception of who they are, how they feel, and what they have to offer the world. They aren’t allowed to have a bad hair day, yell at their kids, or mistakenly wear a cardigan with a rip in the elbow. We minimize the work that they may do to be the person they are or the obstacles they may face on a daily basis. And guess what? It is not their job to make these things apparent to us. We are all human…its inferred. We also lose sight of our gifts and how others might perceive what we have to offer. So yeah, it’s a lose-lose-lose.
I haven’t lost my mind. I am not suggesting that you reject every single societal construct that exists. Some of those are actually quite useful and some are even the basis of our legal system (so yeah, don’t get arrested). I am also not suggesting that you outright reject a construct because it pisses you off. Sometimes that anger is telling you that there is a trigger or lesson for you to discover. I know this is scary, but on some level, you are going to have to use your judgment.
I can help you in one respect; the cool girl. We can appreciate “coolness” when we encounter it, on every level. I “ooh” and “ah” when someone looks impeccably put together at all times or has a signature cocktail that they unabashedly order every where they go. I love when someone is incredibly smart or has a bold sense of humor. The difference is that my appreciation of these qualities does not make me feel like shit at all. Instead I feel super lucky to know the person and be around them. I don’t feel jealous or sad. I feel happy and enriched. You can flip the switch, but you have to decide if you’d rather be in a well-lit room with all the feels or one that is impossibly dark and tinged with sadness. Hint: I’d choose the former.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 