Have you ever heard the term brutal honesty? Of course, you have. We all have, under a variety of circumstances, from sundry sources, with totally different implications. Sometimes the people who care about us (purportedly or actually) disclaimer with that phrase before they reveal something that might be hard to hear. You know what that sounds like, but in case you need a refresher, it usually goes something like this: “if you want me to be brutally honest….” or they leave you out of the equation and just advise “to be brutally honest…” There are folks who when describing themselves, use brutally honest as a personality trait descriptor. Just as you would advise that you are kind, quiet, loving, innocent, or funny; these folks describe themselves as not just honest, but brutally honest. Sometimes brutal honesty is an experience that we have with ourselves. Sound crazy? It’s not. Even when we are not ready to face a certain truth or when a situation is unknown to us, we ground ourselves using the most extreme version of the facts. This “tool” can be used as a mechanism for self-protection or unfortunately, to self-handicap or project our pain outwards. Again, if you want to understand what his looks like, let me use one particular example to provide clarification. You are dating someone casually and don’t know what they are thinking; whether they are seeing anybody else, if they really like you. You tell yourself that they are seeing someone else and aren’t really that into you. You find support and justification for these sentiments (i.e. cognitive or reinforcing bias) and it enables you to make decisions that you may or may not need to make.
Where the hell am I going with this? Well, bear with me and I promise I’ll get to the point. However, I’d like to begin that journey with a very simple and yet tough to digest statement as follows: there is an entire universe between brutal honesty and lying.
Phew. Tough one, right? Based on everything I’ve spouted thus far about the evils of untruths and deception, it seems totally crazy that I would suggest that there is someway to “modify” the truth whereas it does not exist in the realm of lies. There is and they don’t. I am going to explain how and then hopefully you will be able to see how the in-between concept is actually a kinder way to engage with yourself and the people who surround you. I am going to go so far as to suggest that even if you don’t care for someone, you can still adapt this moderate view, because ultimately it will serve YOU.
Brutal honesty is the truth in its harshest, most unvarnished condition. It is not accompanied by the cushioning that allows for an “easing in” process. It is a verbal slap in the face the likes of which is unmatched by most other interactions. It is a rough shake awake from a deep and perhaps peaceful slumber and it is a shove to “face facts”, rather than a gentle push. It can be monumentally effective but the execution of brutal honesty usually leaves ruin in its wake. It creates self-doubt, chastising self-think, self-criticism and criticism of others, and often, embarrassment. I will go so far as to say that brutal honesty provokes a reaction that is not necessarily honest because it elicits a response that matches its extremism and fortitude. If I am being faced with a harsh reality in black and white, I often have no choice but to respond in-turn; if for no other reason than to lessen or mitigate the humiliation that comes with the unawareness of the truth before it was revealed.
If a truth is watered down, or measured (latch on to this word, because I’m bout to use it a lot), doesn’t that mean it’s essentially a lie or at a minimum, completely ineffectual in its delivery? Why would someone else to use a measured version of the facts and how does one determine where the “lie” line really is so as to not cross it?
Well, I am going to tell you what I think about this whole situation, as usual. I respect the fact that you might have an aversion to this point of view, but I would kindly ask you to reserve judgment until I’ve had a chance to lay out the entirety of my argument.
Measured honesty is not a collection of erroneous or false facts. It is not manipulating the truth so significantly from its original form that it no longer bears a resemblance to its original bearing. It is taking a breath. Just one singular breath; to absorb the reality of the context involved in the delivery of this truth. It is audience awareness and kindness in its most pure form. It is consideration, respect, and appreciation for the basics of the normal human psyche. In other words, I can deliver the reality of a situation to you plainly with absolutely no regard for how it might impact you, or I can elect to be a human, interacting with another human. I can recognize that the same truth can be delivered in a way that is less harmful, less damaging. What does this look like? Let’s start with a really silly but simple example. We are dining together and you have something stuck in between your teeth. I can look at you and point to my own mouth and advise that you have something stuck in between your teeth. This is true and pretty basic, and the recipient of this information will likely be grateful and act almost immediately. They will also feel embarrassed. Like immediately. I told you this example was silly, but bear with me. Instead of stating this fact simply and then playing that ridiculous game whereas you try and assist them with locating and removing said item, you can try another tact. It only adds a few words but it instantly changes the dynamic. Here goes: Sorry I don’t want to embarrass you but I know I’d want someone to do this for me. I think you have something stuck in your teeth. Do you want to borrow my mirror? Or I have floss if you need it, feel free to go use the ladies’ room and I’ll order us another glass of wine.
That might sound insane to you. Like what is really the difference between that information? Everything. Absolutely everything. You are creating a connection between you and that person instantly. Hey, that’s happened to me to, so you aren’t alone in this mildly embarrassing situation. You are also giving them an assist in rectifying the situation.
Why does this matter? Well the truth presented by someone else often gives us a feeling of loneliness and foolishness. We often ask ourselves why we didn’t see that certain truth before someone else presented us with it. Obviously, a little spinach is the teeth is pretty benign. Where this gets really sticky is the tough stuff; relationships.
Here are a couple examples of brutally honest statements: “he’s just not good enough for you,” “it is obvious she was cheating,” and “you tend to always react that way.” Seems basic, right? You are just telling someone (or they are telling you) what they are observing in your behavior or what you have noticed in theirs (or someone significant related to you or that person). However, these thoughts are always obvious to the observer and less obvious to the person receiving the news. They feel brutal all right, and also, like really, really bad.
So, how can news be delivered in a way that’s not so tough? Well, what if you asked questions instead of telling someone what you think? What if you told them but caveated that truth with a recognition of how hard it is to face it? I know, it feels like what I am suggesting is really soft. It isn’t. It’s kind. This isn’t about giving everyone a participation trophy. This is just about allowing someone the space and comfort to process something challenging in a way that leads to the greatest success for them. So, you ask someone why they think, given ___________ that this man deserves to be in their life. The intimation is that they don’t, but you are making the delivery of that reality a bit more palatable, and you are enabling the person to participate in the conclusion instead of socking them with it. Or you say, listen, I don’t really know what’s going on with her and I can’t say what works for you, but it seems like there is a misstep going on when it comes to loyalty and I think you deserve better than that. At a minimum, it should be addressed so that you feel reassured that it is not going on.
I am not suggesting that you mince words. I am advising that you speak with care. Use humor, use love, use compassion. Don’t allow someone to deny a truth to you and participate by beating around the bush, but also recognize when to let it go. Maybe it is not the right time to deliver that truth or maybe that person is in denial. “He has been really good lately” or “I look the same as I always have” or “she is just super busy at work.” These are signs that someone is NOT ready to face a truth. You can beat them over the head with it, but likely you still won’t get through and they will end up resenting you and your intrusion.
You can also have conversations with those looking to be “brutally honest” with you. If you are feeling sensitive or just don’t feel like having that interaction, you can advise that person that while you appreciate their candor and care, you just don’t feel like having that discussion at that very moment. You can tell them that you will come to the truth in your own way or when you are ready, you will approach them to secure their version of the truth. You can even (*GASP*) tell someone that you want to hear their truth but you would appreciate it if they found a way to tell you that was a little easier to digest.
I want to end this diatribe with a very simple explanation from my own tough experiences. When people were brutally honest with me, it just felt unbearably painful and embarrassing. I didn’t address what they were sharing with me. I retreated and resorted to my comfortable, harmful behavior. I felt caught, called-out, and criticized. Even when those truths were shared with love and concern, they felt terrible. They made me self-conscious and think twice about sharing my news, my story, my feelings with anyone. For that reason, I often think about what it would be like if we employed measured honesty. What if we were able to be honest but also respectful? What if that person’s reaction and experience was more important that the expression of “our truth”? Sure, I think there is coddling and over sensitivity in our society today. I also think there is a lack of empathy and divergence from basic manners.
Let’s be better, kinder, and gentler. We can still “speak our truths” but in a way that maybe has a chance in hell of helping someone. I know it’s possible. That much I am sure of….
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 