I was distracting myself with an utterly ridiculous video on social media a week or so ago (you know, one of those mildly stupid but totally adorable baby animal compilations that has you utterly riveted for its 3-4 minute duration?!). I found myself feeling jealous of one of those super cute baby animals while mindlessly watching the video. Terrifying thought, I know. However, there was some reason behind this desire. Not only was I coveting their overall carefree attitude, but I was completely taken with this notion that there are animals that have built-in protection systems. That is to say that their physical construction is entirely structured to react to and combat known and unknown threats.
Let’s get real specific here. “According to Hedgehog Central, a hedgehog is covered by approximately 7000 quills…[that] are sharp and are controlled by a series of muscles, so when a hedgehog feels threatened the quills are raised to stand on end. In addition to making their quills stand up, the hedgehog will roll into a ball when they feel threatened to protect their soft undersides. This way all that is exposed is a hedgehog ball covered in quills (which makes an effective defense system)” (Lianne McLeod. Are Hedgehogs Too Prickly to Hold? (Jan. 7, 2019). Available at: https://www.thesprucepets.com/). Pretty bad ass, huh? These cute little animals actually have the ability to control a “shield” that helps them respond to perceived predators.
This fact is amazing to me for several reasons; the primary thought I have is that I have often left my “soft underside” available to “predators”. Rather than finding an appropriate mechanism for protection, I have often foolishly created a road map so that threats can more easily locate my most vulnerable bits and parts. The author of the above-quoted article also mentioned that hedgehogs are fairly solitary creatures. Although there are clearly evolutionary and nature-related explanations for these facts, it seems nonsensical to claim that there is no element of coincidence at play. Or perhaps I am just reading into things a bit too intensely.
Either way, we can take that sentiment and apply it to real life situations. When a creature is designed to be self-preserving, perhaps it does so at the exclusion of others? This begs the question whether it is possible to enjoy the company of others while also exercising a reasonable modicum of self-protection. Does it actually make greater sense to be more solitary during a time of vulnerability in order to avoid pain and disappointment? Did humans lose the ability to self-protect for a reason? Or is this a “skill” that is available, but only to a select few (i.e. survival of the fittest)?
Looking at hedgehogs, it seems fairly evident why these small and unassuming creatures have an innate physical response that is used to combat predators. For those of us that don’t possess the aforementioned skill and given all the ways in which humans harm one another, what is the plan? How do we grow our own “quills” to try and prevent ongoing harm? If we try and grow our own “quills”, will that process organically translate to a more solitary existence? It is plausible to engage in reasonable self-protection while also existing as an even moderately social person in the world?
A very good girlfriend of mine recently sparked up an interaction, a friendship, with someone from her past. Rather than feeling comfortable with all she has to offer the world, she presumed that he was struggling with things in his life and saw her as a safety net of sorts. Is that possible? Of course. Anything is possible. However, her defense mechanism was to self-handicap, to turn away, and to shut down. Before he had an opportunity to fully reveal himself as a pillager of the helpless, she was determined to peg him as such. She was going to build walls before he had an opportunity to get too close, too personal. Does this sound familiar to you? Many of us do this in all different parts of our lives. We get out in front of the harm before it has a chance to arrive on our doorstep; glaring and offensive. The thing is that self-protection and self-handicapping are not the same things. Not by a long shot.
Hedgehogs (I know, we are tired of these ridiculous creatures by now—but bear with me) identify threats through their hearing and sense of smell. Also, when they are actually attacked, they quickly employ the quills-up/roll-into-a-ball response. In other words, they rely on their senses and learn from their experiences. I know you might at this point tell me that your method of self-handicapping falls into one of the categories I’ve just mentioned. You’ve been hurt before, generally or by this specific person/situation, and so you are trying to get out in front of the harm. Unfortunately, while you might be successful in doing so, you might also be generalizing, overreacting, and hiding. Perhaps you will now want to tell me that you would rather make a mistake and lose an opportunity with someone than risk pain and harm. I am here to tell you that while I hear you (and TRUST me I do), that is simply no way to live.
You are isolating yourself. You are embracing a solitary existence, physically and/or emotionally for no substantive reason other than that you are too scared to jump into the deep end. You’ve been hurt, maybe really hurt, and you just don’t want to go back to those feelings, so you are preemptively going to strike out against anyone or anything that even barely resembles the person or situation that harmed you. You will turn non-threats into serious threats in your mind. You will push people away and here is an even more terrifying result, you will likely allow people who are a threat to you to get too close (or stay too close) because you will be so focused on that other issue/person.
So how does one transcend self-handicapping and move into self-protection? Well, there is no easy answer here I’m afraid, but I can give you a few suggestions that come from my humble/horrible experiences. For starters, you will want to take lots of deep breaths. I know, this sounds crazy, but it is true. You will need to shut the outside world OUT and be present and try and keep yourself as calm as possible. This calm, this peace, is aimed at trying to keep the thoughts in your head steady. When we are panicked, we jump to conclusions, we are impulsive, and we rationalize irrational ideas. To keep with the hedgehog theme that I know you SO love at this point…we are immediately curling into a spiky ball to find out later that it was a friend, not a foe. We are isolating unnecessarily.
The second suggestion that I would make is to fully accept that you will likely get hurt again at some point in your life. Yup. You heard it here first folks. There is no avoiding pain. Even the most lonely, solitary existence brings with it a certain type of sadness. Therefore, the removal of “others” does equate with an avoidance of damage altogether. The key is putting that hurt in perspective and accepting it as a rule of life. We hurt, we have joy, we move forward. The quicker you recognize that NO, other’s lives are NOT perfect (no matter the social media presence and their related expressions of joy) and we all suffer, the quicker you will move from feeling sorry for yourself and scared into the shared experience of just being human. You will trip up, you will be embarrassed, and you will trust the wrong people. Your heart will be broken and sometimes you will expect it and sometimes it will come completely out of left field. Self-protection is not a mechanism by which we altogether evade these situations. Rather, it is a way to mitigate, minimize, and recognize it for what it is (and nothing more).
Self-handicapping is a reflection of poor self-esteem and fear. This is what it looks like: Announce the rejection before you feel it or before it happens. Downplay your excitement so the disappointment is not so evident. Speak to all of your faults before someone has a chance to point them out. Find reasons why people treat you differently than others; treat you poorer. Make excuses for people that you don’t know and who don’t deserve it.
Do all of these things and you will still get hurt. Sucks, but it’s true. I promise. The worst part is that you’ve created this unnecessary self-fulfilling prophecy whereas you’ve exclaimed the worst and the “universe” has demonstrated that there is truth in your beliefs. OR, change the paradigm. Understand that this is all part of the journey. Self-protection means having an outlook based in reality. Your negative self-perception is no more real than blindly going into something with high hopes. It doesn’t mean raising your quills immediately. It means sniffing around, listening to what people say, observing what they do, and then trying to make a decision that is best for you.
When you get knocked down, don’t stay down. Don’t let a tough experience reinforce negativity in your head or make you skeptical of everything and everyone. Take each day and experience at a time. Take a break from people, dating, plans, and pressure. Explore what you want and what you need and then jump from there. And yes, raise your quills when the appropriate opportunity presents. Does someone seem truly unkind, neglectful, disparaging, or difficult? Are you left questioning yourself after every single interaction? Then, quills up. Kick that person to the curb or stop interacting with them. Be thoughtful and measured in your analyses and responses.
I have been massacred emotionally and I still give people the benefit of the doubt. I am not suggesting you necessarily do that, but you can certainly consider it. Be braver. Be smarter. Choose wisely when you deploy self-protection. Don’t give the world reasons to hurt you, there are plenty out there anyway that are beyond your control. You can do it. I know you can.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 