Everyone has heard the expression ‘why buy the milk if you can get the cow for free’, right? I have always completely understood this sentiment and yet also been entirely mystified by it. We can incorporate logic on both sides of the fence when examining this phrase and that is exactly my intention.
I’ve often heard those words uttered as an attempt to dissuade someone from entering into a sexual relationship before a commitment is solidified or making the decision to cohabitate without a discussion or plan of future nuptials. There is an implication that if you give in, make it easy, make it comfortable…you lose your leverage. You lose the ability to make demands, express your will, or have an opinion.
Don’t worry, I am not going to blather on about societal expectations of people (although you know how I feel about such things, by now) but I am going to disagree with the sentiment that once you explore a particular component of a relationship, it somehow permanently prevents an about-face, a mind-change, or a natural evolution. Don’t get me wrong, I think there is a danger in mixed-messages, poor communication, and one partner serving another while neglecting their own needs. Thus, every step of a relationship, whether it is sex or moving in, should be carefully and mindfully considered. What I am saying is that I believe the ability to grow and/or change a relationship is more a function of the actual people in the relationship than the power of these decisions.
If someone doesn’t want to move a relationship past its current status, it is symptomatic of that person just not wanting that change. Why? Well, it could be personal preference, fear, trauma, insecurity, et cetera. The reason why certainly impacts whether that change will ever be welcome or if there is something that can help facilitate that change (i.e. communication, therapy, etc.). However, while an action like having sex or moving in may make for an easy crutch, it is certainly not the singular reason why progress is stalled in a relationship. Rather, these actions are components, like anything else; factors.
What does having sex or moving in or any similar action signify? Physical connection, perhaps intimacy, and most certainly some element of comfort. Much like when we’ve found and established our warm spot on cold sheets (aka comfort), we are not programmed to move away into chilly and uncharted territory. Maybe the stretch into the untouched portion of the bed would create welcome space and allow for greater comfort, but we just aren’t inclined to take the chance. We’ve found what feels ‘okay’ or even ‘good’ (without context to compare) and we don’t feel compelled to take the chance.
This concept is ironic in some fashion because it flies counter to the way our society is pre-programmed. We live in a culture that is greener-grass motivated. We are ultimately driven to bigger, better, faster, newer. We want different, more, and really, change. So, why are we inclined to stay comfortable in our relationships? Maybe it is the constant in this science experiment that is life. Maybe it is that we get that out of our systems periodically and then we touch down in comfort for as long as it may last (months, years, or even eternity). Maybe it is that the comfort that comes with settling into a routine with another person temporarily satiates those other needs. Again, that is just for some folks. Others never feel compelled to even attempt to get to comfort. Perhaps the comfort they feel is their own, by themselves. They have a routine, a life, and a way about them. They don’t want to rock the boat in wondering what it means to welcome someone else in and/or mold life around them. I would argue that for both of these personalities (and obviously there are worlds of nuance in between and outside of these broad descriptors) they have found some modicum of comfort and they are not inclined to move outside of it or through it.
Why take the chance that things could get complicated, messy, or annoying? Why have to worry about the details related to a blossoming relationship or a commitment? If what you know and do works, why fix what isn’t broken?
Don’t get me wrong as I do believe that we can enable complacency. I don’t think that enabling occurs because we sleep with someone or move in with them. I think it is the way we demand to be treated, generally. You can agree to sleep with someone but still set boundaries. You can make it known how you want to interact with someone by setting the tone and expressing discomfort or disapproval when faced with an alternative. The same paradigm exists with moving in with someone. Changing the dynamic in a relationship does not mean the boundary lines have to be forever blurred.
When I started spending a good deal of time staying over an ex-partner’s place, he became lax and lazy in the way in which we interacted. Meaning, he defaulted to me taking care of things (i.e. cooking and cleaning). It was easy to just slip into those roles but I wasn’t happy. When I first brought up the issue, the response I received was fairly lackluster. He advised that he didn’t understand why it bothered me so much as he assumed I did these things for myself when I was by myself. My issue was not with the actions per se, but with the assumptions. Does that make sense? The remedy to my discomfort was communication. Simply put, I needed to open my mouth.
Without appropriate communication and the sharing of needs, wants, and goals…someone can indeed “get the milk for free.” Again, I think this is less a function of the labels describing a relationship and much more the result of silence and presumption. Neither man nor woman should ever declare communication to be effective when there is no talking involved. Mind reading is NOT appropriate communication. History is not always an indication of the future. Roles are not set in stone. If you were once on the same page with someone, it doesn’t mean that you will automatically and forever more be on the same page with them.
As an aside, this is the truth for friendships and work interactions too. Right? Like they can get all the milk they want at work if you never make any demands. Really, the same goes for friendships. People gravitate towards comfortable. If someone is always doing something that hurts you and pisses you off and that sets the tone for your interaction and you never seek to change it, you just cannot fairly place the blame anywhere external.
HOWEVER, to get back to where we started from, your communication or lack thereof will not drive how a person feels or what they want. It just won’t. Could someone have an amazing revelation once you put your foot down and demand more? Sure. That could happen. And no, I am not saying it could happen in a snarky, ‘pigs could also fly’ kinda way. It could legitimately happen. If someone is putting off processing an emotional interaction or thinking about a future plan, an expression of the other party’s desire could definitely incentivize them to do so. I just wouldn’t hang my hat on that possibility.
What am I really trying to say here? Well, don’t be afraid to forge your own path. Don’t listen to what other people have to say or think about the type of relationship you are having. Don’t believe that taking steps that feel good for you are going to tank your relationship (or friendship, work position, etc.). Do understand that your ability to stay true to what you want and need must be combined with these steps. Feel good, enjoy another’s company, take on a new task or responsibility, but keep your eye on the prize or the big picture.
This is not about picking your battles (see “Quiet Like A…”). To the contrary, this is me encouraging you to turn your brain off a little. Turn your ears off when it comes to everyone’s advice and thoughts. Go inward and ask yourself what feels good. Then decide when it doesn’t feel good anymore. You are powerful, but I assure you, your actions will not unilaterally shift someone else’s feelings unless you are a real piece of shit. I mean then…all bets are off. If you are just your normal lovely self and you take a somewhat different path with your relationship, that’s okay.
By the way, if you travel down that path and then you want to reverse and change your mind, that’s okay too. If you travel down that path and decide that it’s actually enough for you, that’s also okay. Give yourself permission to explore your needs without feeling like you might magically turn into a Dairy Queen at the stroke of midnight. Get it? Good.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 