I used to think that I had thin skin. I crafted this narrative whereas I highlighted my exaggerated sensitivity. I proclaimed the world normal and labeled myself abnormal. I resolved to accept all kinds and forms of abuse under the guise of fighting against my naturally weak disposition. I approached my sensitive nature the same way allergy shots are supposed to work. I would slowly introduce the offensive or bothersome “allergen” to my system, develop an immunity over time, and emerge a tougher sort. Except that I didn’t quite master the gentle approach. Instead I permitted an onslaught. I welcomed a tidal wave of shitty behavior without a real clue how to manage it; logistically or emotionally. Just to make things more horrible, rather than limiting this exercise to my personal life, I decided to fully commit. That’s right…I explored this misery personally and professionally.
If you’ve read my other posts, you might think that I am about to launch into another meaningful lesson about my last relationship. Nope. I mean sure, that’s relevant, but there are so many other important examples. I also don’t want you to think that this is going to be same old. This is different. This post is about resisting the urge to letting people off the hook. I am talking about the innate desire to either make excuses for a situation or more pointedly, to accept the excuses that people provide.
Historically, when I was faced with an ‘apology’ or an explanation, I found that its mere existence was sufficient for me. That’s right. I am going to say that another way so that you understand the real twisty impact of what I am saying. I accepted anything said to me at face value, however someone excused their behavior, whatever rationale was provided; no matter how obtuse, offensive, ridiculous, or irrelevant. I didn’t just accept it. I gobbled it up. I used it for sustenance. I painted it on me as a way of thickening my “thin skin.”
Before we go any further, I want to explain that this acceptance didn’t strengthen or teach me. I thought it would. I hoped it would. It didn’t. It broke me down. It helped me grow bad habits and reinforced negative self-think. It provided support for all the shitty things that people were doing or saying. This part will sound painfully familiar. Why? Not because it is exactly the same as all the other topics that I’ve shared with you, but because [sadly] there are millions of ways we can harm ourselves or permit others to harm us. Yup. So many that it is too many to actually count.
That said, I would like to focus on the professional angle for once. There are sundry personal examples that I could call to mind, but my most recent experience was indeed at work. This is not about bashing my employer. I have no need to do that, for a variety of reasons. In fact, I witnessed several people I work with restore my faith in humanity during this experience. Aside from that, I believe that what I am going to describe to you goes on everywhere. If not everywhere, then almost everywhere. So singling out my employer is silly.
I have to backtrack a little and bring to the table an admission. One that I believe might not be a popular sentiment. I found myself mildly annoyed over the last year every time I bore witness to another visible example of the #metoo movement. Why? Not because I believe women should be victimized (quite the contrary), not because I believe there is a statute of limitations on addressing vile and inappropriate behavior, and not because I think the movement is unnecessary. My problem is that I felt like it wasn’t big enough. It was Hollywood. It was popularized. It was media worthy. It was matching outfits and hashtags. It wasn’t protecting people like me or like my intelligent, hard-working colleagues and business contacts. Our stories weren’t big or sexy enough. Don’t get me wrong. I would rather any one single person be helped than no one at all. I just felt frustrated that the movement didn’t have “room” for the regular person.
I bet right about now you are rightly confused. I mean I started out with some bizarre allergy injection metaphor and now I’m prattling on about the #metoo movement? What the fuck am I talking about?! I know. So just bear with me.
There is no guarantee that a law, a movement, a person, a sentiment, is going to save you. Ever. It would be amazing if that were the case. It would be spectacular if we could all rely upon the justice system or just a basic sense of morality and decency. Sadly, that is just not the world we live in. I am not trying to say that our world is a bleak and depressing place. At all. I am actually one of those hopeful sorts that believes that things will get better in time or at least ebb and flow. I am saying that we need to be very careful about how we proceed in this world because all of those “protections” that might exist are really just a back-up plan. That’s right. A second choice or supplement. I know some of you hate that sentiment, but this is simply what I believe. Feel free to have your very own opinion and I am here to tell you that I respect it, no matter how different it is from mine.
If you are at all latched on to my perspective or you are at least curious, then let’s explore the concept of the immediate plan. This is somewhat nuanced from the self-protection and other concepts I’ve already introduced. This is between the self-protection and the healing. This, as my mother so gleefully says [as often as humanly possible], is the pause. This is where you read a situation and effectively decide whether your self-protection is adequate, if you’ve inadvertently self-handicapped away from a good situation, and/or whether the behavior or actions you are reading from others are acceptable. I am calling this ‘the pause’ for good reason. You don’t have to react right away. Whenever I’ve reacted right away (see above), I determine that whatever is being presented to me works. When I take a nice deep breath, I get to conduct a different analysis.
Here is what that looks like (based expressly on my recent professional experience): I did not deserve that treatment. That was not an apology, not by any definition. In the absence of an actual apology, the so-called explanation that was provided was lackluster and inadequate. I do not have to respond to the bullshit response that I got. Not responding is not disrespectful or inappropriate. A lack of response is meaningful and powerful. Ignoring the insufficient “enlightenment” that was tossed my way may or may not send a message to the sender. Whether or not the message is “received” does not really matter. My decision not to respond is about my own messaging. My own self-respect. Whether or not my silence is impactful on the sender, I am assured that a response would be. A response would say “sure, beat me up and then give me some super shitty response and that’s okay….every time. Thanks.”
That sounds strange, right? Like if no response isn’t a home run, then why risk the drama? Why risk pissing people off? Well because sometimes you have to piss people off in order to move to the next level. We’ve definitely covered this, right? We often have to move through discomfort to find something better. We have to do the work and often that work is grimy, ugly, and really creepy. Sounds appealing, huh? Well I can assure you that after that yucky work is done, the reward or result is anything but crappy. In fact, I usually find myself grateful at the end of those long and windy roads. I am thankful for the struggle because I find that a weight is lifted.
When I’ve caved and taken the easy road, I have the exact opposite experience. I’ve folded before in the same scenario at work (and yes, in relationships). I find myself obsessing over the situation(s); reconsidering my responses thousands of times. Wondering what might have happened if only I had paused. I am not foolish enough to believe I necessarily have the power to change someone else, as you know my feelings on that particular dream. I do know that the pause has a profound impact on me. The pause allows me to feel totally and entirely comfortable in my own skin once all is said and done. The pause allows me to reasonably consider what happened and see things as clearly and unemotionally as possible.
The pause is where a thicker skin is built. Hell, the pause is where you get to lose the misconception that your skin is too thin. The pause is a place of protection and self-acceptance. The pause is empowerment in its purest form.
You don’t have to tackle everything at once. Start with a breath before responding. Begin there. You can do it.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 