We are taught from the time we possess the ability to connect with others that relationships have pretty specific characteristics. Said another way, most relationships have certain qualities that make them recognizable to those in and around them. Arguably, most of what defines a relationship is derived from the parameters or rules created by “society” in the broadest sense. If you’ve read other posts here, you’ve observed me waxing rather un-poetically about my feelings on societal expectations, so it should come as no real surprise that I exist in a space way outside of those contrived norms. In the spirit of transparency, I want to explain that I have from time to time struggled with my truth or the outside world’s perception and me and my choices [and thoughts]. Reassuringly, the struggle has certainly diminished over the years. Bottom line: The longer I live, the less I care. That said, I generally recognize the vast divide between my desire(s) in a relationship and widely accepted thought patterns. Thus, this post is something of an exploration into what it means to decide to journey into that less traveled space and how to navigate into a space that feels most familiar.
I recently had the opportunity to discuss this topic with two very different friends. One friend appeared on the surface to think similarly to me, but a deeper dive revealed that she is likely feigning alignment with a less traditional relationship paradigm. Rather than actually believing in or supporting a different way of doing things, she has adopted a jargon that acts like a protective barrier in her interactions with men (see ‘Protect Yo’ Self’). She is self-handicapping in the truest sense of the word. She tells the world she wants nothing so if/when she receives nothing or less than everything, there is no disappointment or embarrassment. In a not-so-secret fashion, reinforced by her expressed judgment of me, she craves a very traditional relationship. She catalogs the time of the person she is interested in and requires a significant amount of very specific attention. Her stability and sense of self are tied to the whims and expressions of her “other”.
I want to be clear that I don’t judge her for this decision or these thoughts. I don’t even think less of her because she feels compelled to put on a mask in some attempt to preserve her dignity. I was only disappointed that she could not extend the same courtesy to me. My short explanation as to what I was looking for was met with chastising and critical diatribe. I’ve almost never been subject to such classic projection before. She accused me of wanting what I want as a way of protecting myself. When I calmly explained that her presumptions were incorrect and pointed to the damage I had done by ignoring my actual needs and wants, she resorted to advising me that what I want does not exist in the world. She confidently informed me that my desires represent the “unicorn” of relationships, “if one could even call it a relationship.” She labeled my wants as unreasonable, ridiculous, and unrealistic. I can’t say she is necessarily wrong because I haven’t found it yet, but I’m also not ready to throw in the towel for that reason.
Why am I sharing my tale of our interaction? Well, I want you to see one side of the coin, and then another, and then hear my conclusion. I want you to have all of the information in front of you so when I make my recommendation, when I offer my advice, you have context. I want you to remember as you read the other side that there is no right and wrong here. Not from my seat. Just different perspectives, different wants, different needs, different thoughts, different hearts….and one singular piece of advice (we will get there).
Another friend who I chatted with that same day, and is quite in-sync with me when it comes to thoughts and feelings generally, barely hesitated before identifying my female friend as “narrow-minded” in her assessment. He didn’t suggest that my/our perspective was correct. To the contrary, he left room for everyone. That is to say that there is no one-size-fits-all model that perfectly suits the relationship scenario. Everyone has to look within themselves to determine what they want and need, and then uncompromisingly seek that (don’t worry. I will explain and share what my vision of a relationship is…I’m just not there quite yet).
For many, this initial bit of self-reflection is a massive challenge in itself. To start, looking “within” isn’t always a pretty or easy exercise. If done correctly, it can bring to the surface an awareness of one’s flaws or inspire revelations of mistakes made. My most recent inner journey demonstrated to me all the ways in which I was capable of compromising myself for the perceived comfort of another. I was kind of devastated to admit to myself that I had strayed away from my absolute truth because I had found a partner who didn’t accept this truth or agree with it.
In truth, deep down inside I have almost always known exactly who I am and what I need to make me happy. However, I was too damn scared to fully articulate those thoughts because it meant walking away from what I was told I should want. Worse yet, it was going from “the thing to do” to “the path less taken.” My needs and wants felt radical and bizarre as compared to most of my friends. My definition of an ideal relationship was tainted with the suggestion that it was a mechanism I was utilizing to avoid rejection and pain. I knew that thought was incorrect but I struggled with how to prove my point to others and how to find someone who thought and felt the same as I did, as I do.
I quickly came to two very important and profound conclusions (on my own and later, with the help of my like-minded friend), as follows: it doesn’t matter what the fuck anyone else thinks and the end-goal is not necessarily finding my “someone.” I’ll come back to these concepts, but first, I want to touch a bit more on those who struggle with staying true to whatever truths they’ve discovered during their self-exploration. These folks might not find the path as challenging, but then they suddenly freeze when they are forced to take their found truth and apply it to real life.
I know real-world examples are more meaningful, so I am going to use an example that might seem silly, but is relevant. I have a friend who is “expected” to handle all of the meal preparation in her relationship. She has often confided in me that she resents this expectation. She doesn’t mind contributing and doing it fairly regularly, but she would also like the ability to “take a break” and more importantly, wants to feel like she isn’t taken for granted. However, she doesn’t know how to break this cycle. Actually, more to the point, she is afraid that expressing this to her partner will ultimately cause rejection and loss. This is a benign example, but one that clearly demonstrates why people choose to move away from what they most need and want. Her expression of her truth might be counter to the truth in her more traditional relationship. I mean, the mere fact that she wants to talk about it might fly in the face of what is the “norm,” so she just sits with her unhappiness. She allows it to go mostly dormant and then observes it flare up every so often, in the form of an overreaction to some other situation where such a reaction is unwarranted.
With all this considered, doesn’t it just seem simpler to stay true to who you are and what you really want and need? Compromising is easier for sure and fraught with less anxiety and fear, but how peaceful is it to live in a world where you routinely check yourself and your reactions? This sentiment is tied to my unsolicited advice, so I’m going to pump the brakes for a minute to share my honest truth on what a relationship means to me.
I am independent. I would like to say that my desire for independence has grown with time, but that feels like I am discounting that it has always existed. My mom has always affectionately called me a butterfly and I, in turn, identify strongly with that imagery. Unlike actual butterflies, I don’t migrate and disappear. I simply don’t like my wings clipped. I need space and room to breathe. I need to feel free and unencumbered. I am fiercely loyal and loving, and I need someone secure enough that they recognize that truth. It took being run over for me to realize that when I encounter (and let in) someone who is insecure who demands more of me or challenges my loyalty, it brings out the very worst in me. I feed off the insecurity I am presented with and resort to questioning myself and my so-called partner. I don’t need or desire to micro-manage another human. To the contrary, I trust that my partner will be respectful and kind and considerate of my feelings. This trust has been challenged by quite a few, but I still believe that there is someone out there who “gets it” and if there isn’t, I feel comfortable enough in my own skin to be okay with that. I don’t feel comfortable caving or settling again. I want someone who wants to see my face without me having to ask but if I do ask, there’s no game that ensues. That doesn’t mean we see each other every day. It doesn’t mean anything at all, because I don’t want a doctrine or formula.
I like the idea of someone who can be quiet with me or talk his face off. I don’t need someone to entertain me or solve my problems, but I’ll always take advice, solicited or not. I need a really good and honest friend. My ex used to call me his best friend. I was never his best friend. In fact, I’ll argue that I was never even his friend. However, if I was his friend based on his definition of friendship, that is no friend I wish to have. And by the way, that’s on me. I accepted that “friendship”…readily. I allowed myself to be squished into a corner. I’m inherently flexible, but I don’t want to bend myself into a pretzel to suit the whims of someone else. By the way, this is not a one way street I am describing. The same leeway, trust, friendship, and loyalty I am describing would be afforded to my partner. I want to sit across from someone where it just feels easy. That doesn’t mean we don’t hit bumps in the road, but it just means that we trust the process and work through shit together. No fear, no hesitation. No promises of forever. No proving something. Just showing up. Just a promise in the moment.
Am I describing my ideal to convince you to want the same? Absolutely not. I am trying to show you that while we are all human and share some feelings and wants, we are also all really different. What works for me might not work for you and vice versa. Maybe the majority rules work for you or maybe they don’t. I’d love to meet someone but I am also comfortable enough in my journey to know the dangers of a ton of compromising just to find someone. I have nothing to prove. I don’t need to convert you or solicit your opinion on what I need or want. Whatever allowances I make for whomever I welcome in will be carefully considered and weighed against my overall sense of well-being and happiness.
You don’t have to outright reject the societal norm because I am. Just don’t question those things that are most important to you, even if they are a little uncommon. It is your heart, your soul, your life. If you only do for others, you will find yourself a hollow person. That much I can promise you. Dare to ask yourself, outside the majority construct, what would make you happiest? What would give you the greatest peace and what makes you feel loved?
Find your own outline and bottom line. Move from there. You can do it.
Until the next…L.
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