What is trust? What does it mean to trust a situation or another human? As you know by now, I am usually fond of looking up proper definitions when exploring the meaning of a word or phrase. I am going to refrain from engaging in that exercise this time around because…well…it doesn’t really matter. I am not saying that the proper definition of trust has no validity or importance. I am just saying that it is not a necessary element for this post.
Why, you ask? Well, I’ve learned that trust is entirely personal and extremely relative. For example, someone might express that they know they can trust someone when that person won’t hurt them. Where I am concerned, those two concepts are not mutually exclusive. So, one particular definition of trust is not meaningful here because I want to discuss trust as a much broader element. I want to approach it as something monumental and life-changing. Not because it is necessarily those things for YOU, but because I’ve learned that it is exactly that for me.
People will casually throw the word trust around. I mean people throw a lot of important words around pretty casually but trust is a biggie. You know…like you owe me for the March Madness pool but no big deal, I trust you. When you express such a thought, are you stating that the person is entirely trustworthy is every sense of the word or are you merely suggesting that you trust that they will return the $20 at some point in the future? Does it matter whether we articulate to another person what the scope is when we say we trust them, or can we leave it all up to context?
Trust is a very funny thing for me, and I don’t mean like ha-ha funny. I mean like elusive, confusing, and even mystical. I do not grant or bestow trust quickly or easily but I’ve learned that it often takes me too long to revoke trust when the recipient suddenly becomes undeserving. There are a several reasons why my trust paradigm has historically existed as it does, but there are two that are the most profound, as follows: (1) I’ve been spectacularly hurt by some of the people who I considered to be the closest to me and yet (2) I always want to see the best in people. A little insane, no? Like how does number 1 reconcile with number 2? It doesn’t, at least not in any fashion that has consistently served me well or been conducive to a peaceful existence.
So, I’ve done the work over the last year or so to try and understand my slightly flawed approach to trust so that I could consider the modifications necessary to function a little better in this crazy world we live in. First I explored a rather extreme response and decided almost immediately that I didn’t want to be a bitter person who doesn’t trust anyone ever. I’ve been around these folks and honestly, it is just kind of sad. The wall is so thick and so high that no one has a gd chance of getting over it, ever. I understand (more than most) that this approach, or response, comes from a place of deep pain. I do. However, I still don’t think it is the way to do things. At least that’s not a choice I’m interested in making. That said, my approach isn’t all that stellar…so no judgment if that’s you. I do make people work for my trust, so to speak but once they are in, I never revisit. It’s like someone who is hired for a job and then never, ever reevaluated or reviewed. They can fuck off, mail it in, and even disappear, and it just doesn’t matter. They’ve been hired and they are here to stay and that’s that. I took a beating from some of the people that I let in and then I just kept coming back for more. If I am completely honest, there was some part of me that felt like I needed to prove something. I was no dummy, right? I had welcomed them into the ‘circle’ for good reason, and this was just a bump in the road. Right?
Um, no.
I guess the thing that I was most struggling with was when to let go, when to bump someone to the outside gate. Surely everyone was permitted to make a mistake, to screw up. And more than once, right? I want to have the leeway to be human and so I want to extend the same courtesy to those closest to me. Well, Well, I’ve learned that it depends on what that mistake is, the intention behind that mistake, and how often it repeats. Simple moral of the story for me? Pay attention. Not to what people say, but what they do. This is a tough one, right? We want to believe people, so badly that sometimes it hurts. They literally made a movie called ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ and instead of having a light bulb moment (generally), many saw it as dramatic and comedic. It’s not that funny. Really, it’s not. Okay, the movie was a little funny, but the underlying message isn’t really. Here it is: we all have to pay attention. If someone is doing things that make you question whether you can trust them, then maybe start to ask yourself if you can trust them. I know, that sounded really ridiculously intuitive, and yet it’s not.
Okay fine but why does this really matter and how does it translate to real life?
I talked in my last post about what it means to be in a not-so-traditional relationship. Or at least I talked about the fact that who I am best fits something a little less traditional. In my description, I stressed that the trust factor is critical for that kind of relationship. What I might have failed to point out is that the trust factor is essential in any kind of relationship or friendship or partnership.
Outside of the obvious, why is that? Well a relationship, friendship, or partnership comes with terms, right? Or at least I believe it should. You have these spoken or unspoken rules of engagement. This is who we are to each other, this is what we want from each other, and this is what we need from each other. If you haven’t guessed yet, I’m a fan of the spoken terms, but that is all a matter of preference (and courage). The relationship, friendship, and/or partnership exists in peaceful deliciousness so long as each person trusts that the other person is abiding by the terms. If one person believes that the other has breached those terms or if the breach has actually occurred, the relationship has been turned upside down. The foundation has been rocked and cracked and while it might be reparable, it will require work (and a LOT of communication).
I am not sure if I am too “out there” with what I am trying to articulate, so let me bring it back to something real so it makes a little more sense. I used to tell boyfriends that if they grew bored of me or just plain old fancied someone else, I would appreciate if they would tell me before they strayed. In return, I offered that they could trust that I wouldn’t lose my shit. I have a couple of qualities that I am proud of, but one that I am most proud of is my ability to NOT lose my shit in such situations. I mean, I think I have this quality. I’ve been faced with some pretty epic shit and I’ve stayed calm as a cucumber. Unfortunately, I can’t speak to the exact circumstance of being told “yeah, sorry, I gots to go” because…yeah…they decided to go ahead and screw around before having a little heart to heart. If you haven’t been there, it sucks. Anyway, believe it or not, my first thought has always been that I told these men that I just wanted to be told instead of someone lying to my face. Literally. The very first thing that crossed my mind is that I articulated my terms and they were generally agreed to by the other person.
Does this make more sense now? So yeah, trust. Imperative. Essential? Unquestionably. Critical? ‘Fraid so. Beautiful? Sometimes. Terrifying? Always. Given these facts, or at least the facts as I see them, I had to decide how I was going to alter my trust paradigm or how I was going to define trust going forward. Want to hear something bananas after ALL of this? I changed very little. I realized that I couldn’t significantly alter the way I trusted people still be the person I am, with the values I hold near and dear to my heart. I did decide to wait a little longer before letting someone truly in and I also decided to move people out a little quicker if there were ‘signs’ or ‘red flags’. Overall, I didn’t change anything in a monumental way.
Outside of being true to who I am, I guess I decided that there is a reason why we are presented with different scenarios in this life. There are reasons why people come into our lives and challenge us, in good and more difficult ways. It is not always evident right off the bat the lessons we are meant to learn. So, there is a more profound conclusion at play. Ready for it?
I had to learn to trust the universe. Yup. You heard it here first. Sounds like some hokey, yoga loving, hippie-dippie shit, right? It’s not. I promise you. Things have sucked for me here and there and everywhere. They’ve also been really good too. I just accepted that this is my journey, all of it. The stuff that makes my heart burst with joy and the stuff that makes me question humanity. I trust that the people who are in my life are there for a reason. I trust that my inner circle will be mindful with my delicate heart, but I trust that I am strong enough to tell people to get the fuck out if they aren’t. I am trying to learn to not look for double meanings or question what people say. When they express to me what’s going on or explain to me why they are doing something or acting a certain way, I take it at face value. Until I can’t anymore. That’s what I’ve decided. That is the most peaceful way for me to live.
What am I saying? Well, I guess I am saying that you should figure out what trust means to you. Ask yourself how you trust in relationships, friendships, and etc. and determine whether it really works for you or if you’ve just always defaulted to that mode. Explore whether you trust yourself and/or the universe and if you don’t, see what you can do to start to shift that answer towards a more positive result. I’ve decided to be brave. I’ve decided that for as much hurt as I may endure, those that prevail will be infinitely worth it. Each experience that presents me with that feel-good feeling will make it worth it.
Don’t be afraid to stay the same but don’t be afraid to change, either. Don’t be afraid to be really and truly honest, with yourself and others. Not everyone is going to catch you when you cross your arms over your chest and fall back, but I guaran-fucking-tee you that there are a couple. Or at least one. There’s definitely one.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 