Thanks to some meaningful feedback, I started thinking about what it means to trust another person or to earn someone else’s trust. As soon as I started pondering this topic, my mind went to a time where I was faced with earning back the trust of someone I cared for, following a breach of his trust. The verb that seems most commonly associated with trust is earned, and yet, I found myself playing some sort of game with this person whereas I was trying to “win” his trust. I was told point-blank that I had lost his trust, and so rather than earning it back, I was resolute in my desire to “win” it back. The whole situation and our very particular interaction with each other reinforced this idea that there was this yeoman’s task in front of me and I needed to show up and bring my A game.
If it isn’t obvious yet, let me not-so-gently explain that the very notion I’ve described above when it comes to trust is misplaced at best and horrifying at worst. I am not sure I need to say this, but just in case it is not evident, my fight-fight-fight approach to the situation [at the time] was a direct result of my uncertain feelings about myself and severely dysfunctional interaction with this other human. I guess it is also important for me to explain that despite my black and white declarations at the beginning of this paragraph, there is no real right or wrong when it comes to trust. Everyone has the right to set the tone for their circle of trust in whatever way works best for them. I suppose then, it would be more accurate to state that turning trust into an athletic event did not and does not work for me.
There are a couple of reasons why it didn’t work for me, but I want to take a moment to express that it also did nothing good for my relationship or interaction with this person. It created this creepy interplay whereas I was always struggling to win points; giving me some momentary peace or a feeling of despondency, whether I gained or lost ground (for no particular reason that made any sense). It was an exhausting out-of-body experience. I was pretty disgusted with myself but I couldn’t stop the cycle because I just wanted to get back to status quo. I’ve been through enough that I know nothing is perfect, or even close, but at the time I wanted to get back to some sort of equilibrium.
It wasn’t the ending of my relationship that put me on the path back to normalcy. Not in this case. It was taking a step back. In a moment of sheer frustration, when I felt like I was “losing” again, I asked myself what it takes to “win” my trust. I reversed roles and stepped into his shoes. In what was truly an instant, I realized that I don’t want anyone to try and “win” my trust. The winning is mostly a front. It is a push for the finish line without regard for what every day looks like. To earn my trust, someone needs to show up. I don’t need game face or a shining star moment. I need consistency, reliability, and reality. I need someone who is just themselves and in that state, demonstrates that they are inherently worthy of my trust. I don’t want someone who is going to take their foot off the gas once they are “in” or who brings out a new and terrifying part of their personality. It is no different than who I am as a person. I just want to be me. I want someone to see all the bits and pieces that make me, me. I want them to understand that I show up and not because I’m asked to, and not because it wins me points, just because it is how I’m built.
I like just saying hi to people I care about or texting them pretty photos or silly memes. I don’t even crave responses so much as I want them to know I’m thinking of them. I’m a huge fan of finding the perfect gift for an occasion or a special treat for no occasion at all. I am not this way because I think it wins people over or “makes me look good”. I am this way because I love, hard, and it just spills out in all different silly ways. I’m a lot like my maternal grandfather in this way. So yeah, it’s genetic I guess. When I was trying to “win” trust, I was not myself. I began to second guess these things I do as part of the fabric of my being. I wondered whether I was acting from a genuine place of care or if I was trying hard to prove I was worthy. The very thing that made me, me, was questioned by me, somewhat relentlessly. I love getting Easter or spring/summer gifts for the people closest to me. I mean nothing feels more motivational than the impending nicer weather and arguably the best candy season. And yet, I remember being told I was trying too hard. The thing is that I wasn’t trying at all. However, I had played the “trying” game for so long that things were all sorts of muddled.
So let’s hit reverse again. Let me sink back into my own shoes. How do I consider letting someone in? How does someone earn my trust? They show up; consistently. They tell the truth; religiously (even when it’s tough, especially when it is). They accept me for who I am; unconditionally. I don’t keep score. I understand busy time, alone time, stress time, and tough times. This is not because I accept crumbs, but rather, because I accept people. I don’t need someone to be something just for me because I’m insecure or because I need to be validated.
If you just stop showing up, you’ve shown me you can’t be trusted. If you lie to me, I can’t trust you. If you are too scared to be honest, hit the road. If you put on pretenses with me and pretend you are someone you aren’t, don’t bother. Showing up for a week or two doesn’t do anything for me. The people that have earned my trust are people that have been around for a while. They have seen me through thick or thin, at my best and at my worst, and vice versa. They haven’t always been able to be there because of things going on in their lives, but they’ve managed to explain or step up in a different way that makes them more trustworthy, not less.
My expectations of people are not low and they aren’t really high either; they are steadfast and unchanging. I don’t need someone to like the things that I do or agree with every position I have. In fact, doing so will not earn my trust any faster. I need someone to just be themselves, all the time, and SHOW up, without a back-door option or back-up plan. I don’t want someone who looks over my shoulder to see if anyone better is coming and I don’t like if someone makes me wait to see if they get a better offer. I don’t need to be someone’s first choice, but I don’t want to be their back-up plan. Feeling grumpy? I get it. Feeling sad? No big deal. Using life as an excuse to step on my face? I’ll pass.
This formula does not always work. I’ve been fooled. More accurately, I’ve ignored my intuition. I’ve been swept away with a notion and patently ignored the tug in my belly or heart that tells me to run in the other direction. I’ve romanticized people that are not worthy of such airbrushing. To be totally fair, I’m sure people have felt this way about me too. They’ve been pulled in and then discovered all the parts of me that don’t “work” for them. Here’s the thing, it’s not because I’ve pretended to be someone I’m not. I haven’t utilized a game face. I am, who I am.
On the surface, it is not tough to earn my trust. And yet, it is. Why? Well, I’ve learned that my need, my desire (as explained above) is a tough one for a lot of people. No one needs to be perfect to earn my trust. I just need them to show up on the reg and not be full of shit. Interestingly, most people just can’t handle this request. I can tell you from my 38 (and a half) years of experience that this is true. The good news is that means my trust circle stays pretty small, which is about all I can handle really.
Some people have a higher threshold for bullshit. Some people actually thrive in that space. No judgment….just stay away from me. Okay? Thanks.
My suggestion? Find what space works for you and then get comfortable.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 