The Perils of Self-Betterment

Along with 17 million of my fellow earth dwellers, I found myself watching the latest episode of Game of Thrones. I discovered that I was utterly stuck on this brilliant chat-slash-toast between Tyrion and Jaime Lannister.  If you are a GoT fan, I imagine that your mind was on other exciting exchanges and if you are one of those souls praying for the end of the series so you can stop hearing about it, I promise the context is not detrimental to understanding the meaning of their exchange.

Jaime and Tyrion were lamenting their respective journeys and Tyrion raises a glass to “…the perils of self-betterment.”  I was instantly struck by the power of this sentiment; this idea that the path to a “better self” is often plagued by obstacles and challenges. In a world consumed by external feedback, we are often bombarded with imagery that reinforces the idea that the more we grow, the more introspective we become, the greater our happiness. The overall idea is that self-awareness and emotional growth is packaged with an equal dose of inner peace.

That’s not exactly true though, is it? In fact, it is not even remotely close to what actually occurs.  I’ve thrown this caveat out there more times than I can count, but I think it bears repeating…so here goes: on my journey, I have found that self-betterment has not immediately resulted in my life being blanketed in some sort of calm. I haven’t achieved some magical harmony when improving myself or at least not immediately. Much like physical growing pains (though at just shy of 5’, I can’t say I experienced such in great number), the path to self-betterment is wrought with a healthy dose of struggle.

Don’t get me wrong, there are indeed instances where turning over a new leaf provides immediate relief. For example, if you decide to stop taking shit from a co-worker, it is likely that the positive vibes that accompany such a decision won’t take long to wash over you. However, there are other self-improvement choices that are a good deal more tedious. When it comes to this more tiresome part of self-evolution, I truly don’t know if I can identify the most difficult component. There is the awareness of where growth is desperately needed, the making of the changes or actual growth itself, and then the real time reactions/results that follow. What’s truly fantastic is that each and every part can be a real slog. Yeah, I know, hardly a ringing endorsement.

However, if you are able to make it through the more painful parts, the so-called “perils”, you will eventually get to a much better place. Honestly, that is really what goes on. There IS a light at the end of the evolutionary tunnel but the trip through is often cloudy without any evidence that the light actually exists. I mean sometimes you can’t even see a sliver. You just have to pray, stick your hands out in front of you, and feel around in the dark. If you persevere, you will have to face tough facts about yourself. You will be forced to candidly and brutally examine the realities of what you want from and out of this world [and its inhabitants]. I know that there is no right or wrong in self-evaluation, but truth be told, there are some widely accepted “best practices”. For example, if you go through this journey in the spirit in which it is intended, you should always be honest with yourself. You should not sugarcoat or avoid the cringe-worthy moments that often come with true self-reflection.

I want to give you an example of what I am talking about so this makes sense. In order for me to better myself, I needed to admit that on some fundamental level I have been, or am, afraid of commitment. I am not afraid of loyalty. I do not fear devotion. I will not cheat on someone. However, I am still afraid of what commitment means. I am afraid that commitment means truly trusting another. This is strange, right? I am willing to be loyal and devoted, but I hesitate before accepting the same promise in return? Well, sure. I alone control how I feel and what I do. I have zero control over another human. I am afraid that commitment means someone will want to squish me or change me. I am afraid that commitment makes me vulnerable and that this vulnerability will enable someone to wound me emotionally and I will have no one to blame but myself (I know this isn’t entirely accurate, but bear with me, as this is merely an expression of my feelings, flaws and all). I am also afraid to ask for a commitment. I am afraid to seek loyalty in return for that which I am willing to give. I am afraid that the response will be no, I am afraid that the response will be yes, and I fear a ‘maybe’. I am particularly terrified to ask for the type of commitment that would be most comfortable for me; one that concurrently affords me safety and freedom. I am scared that this would lead to judgment and criticism. I am scared that once I express this want out loud, in the world, I’ll be told it isn’t realistic or doesn’t exist. I am sharing all of these thoughts and feelings because I want you to understand how much I understand the actual ‘perils’.

In the spirit of total forthrightness, I want to tell you that it was my mother who brought this particular tidbit to my attention. Apropos of nothing-ish, she said “I know there is something inside of you that resists commitment. It is there and it competes handily with the desire to connect when you feel like it.” Boom. I wasn’t even slightly offended. It was a lightbulb moment. So yeah, your revelations might be self-driven, or they might be offered up from those around you who are closest to you in this world. That doesn’t mean you or anyone else will always be spot on, but welcome the facts from wherever they emerge. In fact, there are times that the people we dislike the most or who have hurt us the most will also help contribute to our self-education.

It is fucking scary to change. It is scary to imagine pushing hesitations, reservations, and fears to the side in order to see what might be on the other side of that paradigm. It is gut-wrenching to tenuously climb out on some shaky limb, holding one’s breath, awaiting a response from the universe. I have also learned that it is really necessary. It is critical to long-time survivability. I mean sure, you can do this thing we call life isolated and alone, but that doesn’t really feel a whole lot like living to me. I am not talking about moving away from alone time and I am not suggesting that relationships are a necessary ingredient for happiness. We’ve already been over that, several times. I am saying that whatever decisions are made with respect to engaging with other people (work, personal, etc.), must be made from a place of courage. We must make choices about our existence, whatever they may be, with an eye toward self-betterment.

Our cups cannot be so full that we think there is no room for growth and change. Over the years, I’ve often found myself saying (especially as of late): “this is just who I am.” I rest on that laurel as if it’s the last true sentiment in this world. It is bullshit. I mean sure, at my core, I am who I am. But the rest of the stuff, all the myriad layers that surround those fundamental values and thoughts and feelings…those are pliable and movable. Also, even scarier, there are some times in life where something we’ve considered to be a basic tenement of who we are no longer serves us, and we have to mush that around as well.

Outside of the fear factor, self-betterment can mean acceptance, change, and loss. It can bring on grief, self-doubt, and even confusion. Sometimes we are elated at first…joyful and free, and then comes the reality of the “after” and that is when all of the other emotions get swirled in. The real trick is figuring your way out of that tundra. As I’ve discussed before, it is moving through rather than staying put. Actually, this particular subject is a little more complicated. We have to stay put through the decision we’ve made and then stand strong to weather the feelings that come with that choice or those choices.

Like everything else, it is really fucking hard. I know, you are wondering when I’m going to discuss something easy. Sadly, none of its easy. That’s the hard truth. Life is hard. You can peruse social media and speculate about the ease with which others glide through life. Or you can keep it real and know that what you are looking at is a curated highlight reel. The same thing holds true for a dating profile, first date banter, and a professional resume. There is no crime in this. We put our best foot forward in all things outward facing. The actual crime is not taking the time to fully understand the implications behind a façade versus reality.  Perhaps worse yet is using someone else’s icing on their cake to halt your own self-betterment, under some guise that there is no point or to establish incredibly unrealistic growth goals using unachievable metrics.

Here’s a symbolic tale for your enjoyment: I’ve made these oatmeal bars for breakfast for years. The recipe has stayed basically the same but I’ve made modifications as time has gone on. I’ve attempted to, amongst other objectives, improve the flavor, increase the protein, decrease the fat, and make them heartier. I’ve failed and I’ve succeeded, but it has never stopped me from continuing to try. You don’t need wild movement to effect change. The smallest movement can move mountains in our hearts and minds. One day I decided to sprinkle in a few chocolate chips and man, was my mind blown.

You don’t have to share your personal information or journey with the world. Take a few moments to ask yourself what you want, what you need, what you are seeking, what you are craving, and what is good for you. Ask yourself if your current journey is contributing to achievement of any of the above. If any part isn’t moving the mountain at all, then consider side-stepping or leaving it behind or making adjustments. It is indeed a perilous journey but you only have a chance at succeeding at this thing if you give it a go.

Until the next…

L.