Have you ever seen the movie ‘Runaway Bride’? If you haven’t, this next bit might be something of a spoiler, but it did come out 10 years ago, so I don’t feel that bad. If you have seen it, this should sound vaguely familiar. A reporter (Richard Gere) is sent to a small town to cover the story of a notorious runaway bride (Julia Roberts). It’s pretty charming and an overall solid late 90’s rom-com. As an aside, if you haven’t had the pleasure, I highly recommend. I’ll give nothing away that will ruin your overall experience.
Anyway, in one of the more profound scenes in the movie, Richard Gere accuses Julia Roberts of not knowing how she likes her eggs. He basically suggests that she is a relationship chameleon, morphing to fit the expectations of her partners and the parameters of the “relationships” she has with them. In other words, she has always pretended to like her eggs the same way her partner does. She protests this classification and then later realizes its dead-on accuracy. I think I’ve alluded to this “egg” problem/paradigm before, but it is important enough to deserve its very own post.
There are some people who make a conscious decision to ensure that they “fit” their partners and others who don’t even realize they are doing it until it’s brought to their attention. Either way, I would contend that both of these personalities are ignoring or neglecting their own truth in an effort to mesh with their partners. There are a thousand underlying reasons why this kind of behavior might exist, but sadly, very few reasons that would justify such a complete abandonment of self, in my humble opinion.
I think a good number of people would tell you that it is okay that they made this decision because ultimately the places in which they are trying to “fit” aren’t all that dramatic. They might feel somewhat agnostic about the way their eggs are made, the color paint used on the bathroom walls, or the place where they vacation. I want to pause for a moment and make it clear that I am not talking about “picking your battles” in this post. I’ve addressed that particular topic before, and I am sure that I will again, but that is not the intention here. These are not battles or at least they shouldn’t be. These are decisions made and opinions rendered. These are all the little choices that we make on an hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis, that over time shape who we are and the lives that we lead.
I am also not suggesting that you have to pretend to care about things that don’t particularly interest you in any way. What I am suggesting is that when you start to align your opinions with that of another just for the sake of brokering peace or maintaining status quo, you run the risk of slowly chipping away at your sense of self. Your willingness to blindly follow another’s wishes and wants will eventually erode the very essence of who you are and will also undermine the baseline respect that exists between you and your partner. Although I think it is obvious, I want to clarify that I am not encouraging a lack of flexibility, nor am I saying you should always be oppositional in your relationship. In fact, your opinions, wants, and needs could very well align quite often with your partner (particularly if you are compatible). It is the act of forcing that alignment that I am discouraging. It is the inaction or failure to even explore what you think for the sake of configuring with another.
You deserve the time and energy it takes to ask yourself what you want, what you need, and how you feel. Do not deprive yourself of this delicious and sometimes maddening exercise just because you are afraid. I’ve known this particular fear to exist under two different umbrellas.
For starters, there is the fear of formulating an opinion and sticking with it. That sounds insane, right? But it’s not. There are so many reasons why that fear can exist. Those reasons can range from the potential for FOMO for all of those selections that aren’t made to the recognition that the choice made wasn’t optimal. As to those particular examples, I would say to live in the moment and try and exist sans regret. Also, sit with the awareness that you can reserve the right to change your mind, stance, or position in nearly everything (unless you are running for office and then good luck to you, my friend). Throw in some deep breathing and self-forgiveness as long as you’re at it. These exercises work wonders in getting enjoyment out of life.
Then there is the pervasive fear that your choice will set you apart from others, and in particular, your partner. What if you are asked what you want to eat and you choose Mexican and that doesn’t quite appeal? What if he doesn’t really notice or seem to like the blouse you hand-picked for your date? What if he doesn’t prefer avocado on his sushi roll or rom-coms as a movie genre? What if the choices you make are even more polarizing? Like your political views or stance on social issues?
Well, what if you resolutely decided that whomever you welcome in to your life, your sphere, will respect you for the views you have and choices you make, even if they differ from their own? What if expressing your opinions helped you start off on the right foot on the journey you needed to take to find yourself and then perhaps the people you should share your life with, friends and partners? What if the decisions you made and thoughts you had were arrived at peacefully, in a space where self-doubt and criticism does not exist? How would you have your eggs cooked then?
At this point in my life, my journey, I find that I am more afraid of not expressing what works for me and what I want, then allowing those expressions to be set free. This is not an easy place to get to, I can promise you that. I have days where I doubt myself and I backtrack, but then I wise up and continue plodding forward, albeit slowly. I’ve always been pretty comfortable about the food I like to eat; it has just been everything else that has been up for grabs. As a note of warning, I was barely aware that I was slowly burying my wants and needs. If you are saying “whatever YOU want” or “sure, I don’t care” more often than you are uttering “I would like _____” or “I would prefer _____” then chances are you are doing the dance, and not the good kind.
If you are like me, then you might be currently muttering to yourself that you are just easy going. There are things in life that mean something to you and things that don’t. You can be easy going. You can go with the flow and not rock the boat. The thing is that should be because something TRULY doesn’t matter to you, at all.
I want to share a seemingly ridiculous example here so that this makes sense to you, so you can relate. I used to stress or overthink what beverage I was going to order when I went out to eat. I am not a big drinker, though certainly I like to indulge on occasion. I used to feel like I HAD to get a drink if others were drinking. I also used to feel like I couldn’t order a seltzer or diet soda if everyone was just sticking with water. This sounds childish and a little insane, no? I just didn’t want to stick out. I didn’t want to be complicated or different. I didn’t want to answer the questions that might accompany my choices (particularly when it came to alcohol). The funniest part of this is that when I started to just calm the fuck down and choose based on what I wanted, the response to those questions was easy and the reactions to my responses, totally benign. Most widely expressed response: “k”. That’s right. You heard it here first. NO ONE GAVE A SHIT. Surprise!!
The thing is, sometimes people will give a shit. And when the person who gives a shit expresses that disappointment/shock, and they mean something significant to you, it will be a lot harder for you to stay the course. It will. Go ahead, pretend to be tough. I’m telling you it sucks. Sometimes those thoughts aren’t even expressed verbally. I can clearly recall looks I received that told me every single thing I needed to know.
As a quick aside, I am not encouraging total abandonment from flexibility or having an open mind. Feel free to try new, listen with a big heart, and consider the possibility of something new and different. However, if you are going to do any of those things, make sure it is for the right reasons. Come from a place of self-love and meaningful exploration, not fear and self-loathing. Please, please don’t say “I was kidding” when someone challenges a choice you’ve made (unless you were, and then go for it). You don’t have to pretend you were kidding. That’s like breaking into a light jog after tripping. You aren’t fooling anyone and now you’ve gone and made a mountain out of a molehill. Just own your shit.
Here’s the thing, I like my eggs scrambled well done. I also like a good egg over-easy or over-medium. Don’t you dare serve me egg whites unless you plan to throw in some spinach, cover them with cheese, or smother them with sriracha or ketchup. I’ll eat a hard-boiled egg white but be prepared to see my sickie face if you put me in front of a hard egg yolk. Don’t even think about placing egg salad in front of me. In fact, I’d prefer you didn’t eat it in my vicinity. Thanks.
Find your perfect egg status and then guard it with your life. It’s not just an egg, ya know?
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 