“Here’s to the ones…
The renegades who never run…
Despite all of my ranting and raging so
Here’s to the ones…
Foot down on all my bullshit but won’t cage me in…”
Ryn Weaver, Reasons Not to Die
I am often influenced by music and literature, in case you haven’t noticed by now. More specifically, I am clearly inspired by the words, thoughts, and feelings of others. This is not such a shocking admission given my overall sensitivity or more accurately, emotionality. I am self-realized enough to recognize that I often have significant reactions to the various events that occur in the world around me. Those reactions aren’t always “external” or expressed but more often than not they resonate within me, giving me food for thought.
Quick disclaimer: I happen to really, really enjoy the above quoted song, but I realize it might not be for everyone. The overarching sentiment is a bit dark and unquestionably intense. In other words, it is not a song for the faint of heart or for those of you that seek lightness in your musical entertainment. So, if you tend to err on the side of pop or super upbeat tunes, I might say avoid scouring through iTunes to find this gem. On the other hand, if you are not repelled by more penetrating melodies or you are at least willing to give it a try, I would have a listen. Either way, I am going to break down the reason why this song vibrated with me and thus, the listening part is not essential.
After hearing the song for the first time and then listening to it no less than 20-30 times, I decided to do a little research. I found myself wanting to read the lyrics and locate information on the artist, if available. To that end, I found an article from 2018 whereas the singer was quoted from Twitter as follows: “The track was written about a year ago with my good friend [Max Hershenow] after a very long and frightening depressive spell. I feel much better now. It’s a song about the people who stick around/stay strong for you when you’re not your best self. It’s a thank you to all of them, and to all of you” (Tom Shackleford. Listen: Ryn Weaver returns with angelic ‘Reasons Not To Die’ demo. (Sept. 17, 2018). Available at: https://www.axs.com/listen-ryn-weaver-returns-with-angelic-reasons-not-to-die-demo-133456). This thought is pretty deep and one that is extremely important to me, particularly after the storms I weathered over the last decade or so.
I would imagine that at one time or another you’ve “liked” a post or message on social media whereas the author has expressed some version of “if you can’t like me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” Am I right? I know that I’ve given the thumbs up or heart to that sentiment on many occasions, but it took shit falling apart for me to really understand what that means. Well, the truth is that this thought holds different meanings for everyone and there is no right or wrong. For that reason, I’d like to discuss some of the nuances involved in that statement and then the broader implications behind such (as illuminated by the song lyrics I’ve shared above).
We can start with the basics, which is to say that you are not always going to be at your shiny best. For a first date or the first few dates, most folks will roll out their own personal red carpet. They will endeavor to put their best foot forward and make the best impression possible. I will digress for a moment and say that while I understand this dating best practice, it has never really resounded with me in the more common application. For example, I had a girlfriend once tell me that I should have my hair blown out for a date and I remember being totally floored. Given my utter ineptitude at styling my hair as my stylist would, isn’t that false advertising of sorts? The same could be said for a padded bra, a full face of makeup applied by a professional, or a sugary sweet personality that only sees the light of day on such occasions. Basic dating rules would tell you that you should show your most attractive side, but there is arguably a line between fact and fiction.
Since I have a propensity for talking a LOT (shocking, I know), I’ve often suffered from mild to more severe foot in mouth syndrome. I don’t believe I’ve ever been rude or offensive, but I’ve definitely over shared or over opined. What I’ve always come back to [ever since I was “found” myself again] is -this is who I am. This is it. Authentically me. I am not putting on a front or pretending. I am just me, all of the time. If someone doesn’t like what I am putting in front of them then that’s probably a good thing to get out of the way right up front.
Along the same lines, but a much sillier example is my inability to control my totally out of control hair. It has a mind of its own. The closest I get to not looking like a lion arisen from a deep slumber that may or may not have stuck its finger in a socket is twisting it up into a tight little bun atop my head. Not exactly winning look in the sexpot department. Again, this is my hair. I am not getting it straightened or blown out on a regular basis, so it’s probably best that someone identify their aversion to it right off the bat. These are first date or initial meeting sort of considerations. These are the little tidbits that ought to be considered before you are emotionally invested with another human. This is the point at which you set the tone or decide how authentic you are really willing to be.
I want to be clear that I am not suggesting you should lay out your laundry list of likes or dislikes or deliberately look like a hot mess on a date. Everything in the way of information should be revealed in a very organic and natural fashion and yes, you should feel free to look fly as hell for a date. I am more suggesting that you not take pains to deny an essential part of who you are when it comes to the people who might share your life at some point. Don’t lie or pretend. Just do you.
Of course, the discussion gets a bit more complex leading up to and following the emotional investment part. For starters, you are in theory beginning to share more personal and meaningful pieces of information with each other. So rather than discussing the type of food you prefer eating for dinner or where you like to sit on a plane, you might be discussing past relationships or your views on the world generally. This is typically the time during which people draw out some sort of points system in their heads, whereas they assign a ‘pro’ or ‘con’ value to each piece of information shared and determine how it affects their overall view of the person. This is a very natural process and if accomplished from a place of health, can often help us choose friends and partners that best suit us. Not those individuals who complete us or who are carbon copies of us, but those who have the best shot of enriching our lives.
As an important aside, when there is a lack of health or some missing perspective in the way of this exercise, it is not uncommon for someone to make poor decisions with respect to evaluating another person. They might be too lax or too harsh. This is a pretty multifaceted concept and so I will definitely expand upon it in another post or two, but the value of “theory” I am trying to share is not hidden in those details. As a quick summary for now I will share that I find that those folks will often fall victim to the Seinfeld dating syndrome (i.e. too tall, too blonde, too happy, fingernails too long, etc.). They miss the forest through the trees, so to speak.
A-N-Y-W-A-Y, we typically want someone that looks at the pieces of us and reconciles that list in their head and comes to an overriding ‘yes’. We want to feel that those items that have been labeled as a ‘con’ have been deemed unimportant or less significant. We don’t want these parts of us, personal traits, or opinions to be cataloged for ammunition or use to exit down the road. Rather, we want someone who truly accepts these as viable parts of the whole.
You know when shit really gets real? Shit gets real when those less attractive or “con” side of the list parts of us become more prominent for any one of a million reasons. More often than not, those reasons include some sort of stress event, personal or professional. Those items become more pronounced in very minor and major ways, often depending on how they were perceived or weighed to start. So, if I am stressed at work and have very little available time, my hair might be a bit more unkempt than usual, I might be a little less patient, or I might find myself craving more solitary time to work through the anxiety I am feeling. Sometimes an event will actually not impact the “con” list but will start to materially impact the “pro” list. Maybe I experience profound grief through a personal disappointment or loss and suddenly I find myself less willing or able to be the generous and selfless person that I was before this “thing” occurred.
Do you want someone who hits the road during these shifts in your “list” whether temporary or permanent? Or do you want someone who is willing to plant their feet and be patient and loving when the situation calls for it and/or calls you out on your shit when that reaction is more appropriate? Don’t you deserve someone who brings your attention to how you are impacting yourself and them and maybe everyone else while not denying you the opportunity to work through things in the exact way that you need to? I haven’t found that person yet in a significant other, but I hope that one day I will. I have found that in friends. Very few, but they exist. People that have looked at me and told me that I’m being morose, obsessive, punchy, and even wretched, but tell me that they love me anyway and that they aren’t going anywhere.
No one should be abused, but there is a line that can clearly be established between two people that have the appropriate amount of love, friendship, and trust. There is a point where someone can stand on the other side of the wall you’ve built and tell you that despite its height, thickness, and generally intimidating appearance, they will continue to stand there, shouting and waiting and loving, until it begins to come down. They will tell you that they understand why you’ve built a wall but maybe remind you that such a thing is unnecessary. They will make suggestions for other ways to protect yourself, but will not downplay or criticize your need for this wall. They will ask that you carefully consider just how much you are shutting out with this wall in the scheme of its intention. They will resolutely plant themselves on the other side of your wall and wait. They will wait as long as necessary. They will wait until you are ready. If you are taking too long, they will encourage and support and suggest, but they will still wait. They will not run.
Repeat after me: They WILL NOT RUN.
The ones that run, they are not the ones. This is a simple rule that never fails. Don’t be afraid to peek around the side of your wall or over the top of your “list” and see who is willing to uncompromisingly stand there, by your side and at your back. In the most minor way, these people might be honest when you ask whether it’s time to put your hair up. In the most major way, these people will be waiting there, arms outstretched, when you are ready to emerge into the world again without a hard shell surrounding you.
Try something different. Be discerning. Make your own list. You can do it.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 