I have this distinct but distant memory of being at a particular work event several years ago. It was our “summer event” held at Jones Beach and involved cocktails and a concert. A colleague of mine was pointing out a co-worker from another office, commenting on his cuteness factor. I gently advised her that I was newly out a longish relationship and wasn’t really interested in meeting anyone at that point. She reacted with surprise to this news for two reasons that she immediately articulated to me. First of all, she couldn’t believe that I had been in a long term relationship and she didn’t know. Secondly, she didn’t understand why I was newly out of a relationship and wasn’t interested in “hitting the ground running”, so to speak. I will address the latter of her “concerns” in a different post. For now, I’d like to focus on the first part.
There are quite a few juicy bits in that one sentiment so to start, let’s break them down. Fact #1: I am a rather private person. Fact #2 (somewhat intrinsically tied to Fact #1 and other points I’ve made on this blog): I am selective about where, with whom, and how I share information. Fact #3 or 2a (you’ve guessed it…tied to the first two): I haven’t always but I now consciously regard the energy of those I am drawn to, whether they are confidants, friends, or more than friends.
I think our connection to others is often an exercise in self-reflection or a lack thereof. In other words, we are compelled by a person because they complement or challenge us. To that end, it is not uncommon (as expressed in my last post) to form a bond with those souls who feel or appear broken altogether or have the some broken parts that we do. Similarly, we are able to feel all the things around those people who become a safe space because of how familiar they are to us. Amazingly, the challenge becomes differentiating between the two.
The last post I wrote spoke to remaining steadfast in your ‘you-ness.’ Finding out who you are, what you need, what you like, and outside of changing your mind or feelings in a very genuine fashion, sticking like glue to that you. Simply put, I described the journey of gravitating towards and then remaining loyal to your authentic self. I mean don’t get me wrong, the post I am referring to (read it…just kidding no pressure…but READ IT) only skimmed the surface of that monstrous statement but it did address one powerful and important part. Once we can start to say “this is who I am” we can better express “this is why I like you”. Does that make sense?
Maybe it doesn’t really make a ton of sense to you. The good news is that you are not alone. This thought didn’t even occur to me let alone truly resonate for the longest time. Opposites attract, right? We should surround ourselves with all types, right? We should embrace what is different than us, right? All of these thoughts might be true, though I am not assuredly subscribing to that notion, but it doesn’t change the fact that we still need to check the health of those opposite/different than us/unique connections. Where does one begin?
Well, I would start by asking yourself a few fundamental questions about the person and the relationship, as follows: (i) do they trigger me?; (ii) do I find myself seeking justifications or explanations as to why I am sharing my life, however significantly, with this person?; (iii) are my experiences with this person more negative than positive?; and (iv) am I more often than not questioning this person’s role in my life and/or feelings towards me? These appear to be questions that require a yes or no response, but as with most things tied to relationships, it is not quite that simple. You can answer in black and white, sweep the board with four ‘yes’ responses, and decide that the person needs to get the boot. The more likely scenario is that you will find yourself in the gray area. You will find yourself saying ‘no…but’ and ‘yes…but’ more than experiencing a sweep. You will answer yes to most or all of the questions but still find yourself wondering whether that is sufficient to justify the removal of that individual from your existence. You will find yourself answering no to most or all of the questions but still find yourself challenging the pros behind allowing that person to remain in your life. These questions and the resulting answers are not THE ANSWER but are simply an exercise to get you on the right path. Well, anyway, it is an exercise that has become most meaningful to me in the exploration of my romantic and platonic relationships. These questions have provided a portal and a path for me to begin to understand the health of my connections in a realistic and comfortable fashion.
These questions and the resulting answers actually tie back to the facts I shared above. Let’s start in a logical place with Facts #1 and 2. I have historically been a private person. I am self-admittedly a bit over the top when it comes to the sharing of information about me and my life but I’ve gotten a little better as I approach 40 (better late than never?). I am hardly gravitating to a place where I am not discerning when it comes to who I share with but I am trying to be more open once a trust has been established. This also hearkens back to one of the very first posts that I shared and is not just relevant during times of trauma. That is to say when deciding who to share information with you should be careful and thoughtful. Truthfully, even if you are inclined to be incredibly transparent and perhaps over-share because you believe it does not cause you harm, I would still implore you to rethink that strategy. If you have no standards when it comes to who you share with, you might find yourself the victim of advice-overload or the subject of unnecessary and harmful gossip. Even if this doesn’t bother you, there could be reputation and other similar ramifications that could inadvertently damage you personally or professionally or even harm those closest to you. The bottom line is that you should consider your audience and why you feel compelled to share. Are you genuinely inclined to share a piece of yourself? Are you self-handicapping or getting ahead of the curve by sharing before someone else tells your story? Are you trying to win someone’s affections through a display of vulnerability? Are you trying to demonstrate an understanding of something they have gone through? Ask yourself why you trust that person enough to share with them and then decide whether the answers are acceptable as determined by your best self.
Fact #3 or 2a is a really cluster-fuck and starts where this last paragraph ended. If we go back to my co-workers innocent question, there is universe of data to use for analysis. Why was I attracted to that partner I had just ended things with, to begin with? Why did I stay with him? Why did it end? Who deserved to know about our relationship; the beginning, middle and end? Why did I choose to connect or not with people around me? How do I even begin to explore the reasons why I connect with people?
Again, I know this is me on repeat mode but it’s important, so, yeah. Take the time to know yourself. Not the ‘you’ that you want to be or wish you could be. Not the ‘you’ that society tells you that you should be. YOU. Your imperfect, flawed, fantastic self. Then take a hard look at the people around you. Again, not the façade they are presenting or the bullshit they might be spinning. Look at how they present, examine their actions, and then explore your full interaction with them, including how it makes you feel deep down inside. If something in you feels squishy or squirmy or wonky, it might be because you need to resolve something in YOU or this is not a good person for you to connect with or both.
I could write a script for you to explore those inner feelings but it wouldn’t be meaningful because everyone’s experience is truly unique to them. I am a yoga teacher and I tell people all the time to listen to THEIR body and theirs alone. This is a stressful thing for most because they have no idea what the fuck I am talking about. What I mean is close your eyes, shut the world out, and plug into what YOU feel. Does something hurt? Do you feel off-balanced? Are you scared? Are you too comfortable? Are you overly confident? The same exercise applies here. I cannot tell you what you are feeling. I will not tell you the cues and I cannot give you a short-cut or magic potion. I can tell you to spend time alone and think and feel. It is that pure and that simple. I am not being silly or trippy. I am being extraordinarily real.
Speaking of which, it is about time that I shared another real time experience to keep US connected. I used to connect with people that reinforced my insecurities. INSANE, right? It is true though. I connected with people that shouted in unison with the ticker tape parade of bullshit that ran through my head on the regular. I connected with some really solid souls but I also sought people out who fed into my feelings of unworthiness because I was more comfortable supporting that particular paradigm. And then my life was turned inside out and I found that I had value and then I decided I wasn’t interested in that anymore. I know I am making this sound simple, but if you’ve followed along thus far, you know it was and is anything but elementary to get to this conclusion. It is heart-wrenching and exhausting. I had to wade through a long history of horror to arrive at a place of mental health. I had to do some really, really hard work. I cried and screamed and retreated. I am still very much a work in progress. Since I know I am under construction, I proceed with caution. I err on the side of reservation. I let people prove themselves rather than automatically giving them the benefit of the doubt. You might know by now that I still see the best in people, but I don’t do so at my own expense anymore. More importantly, I don’t do so in the face of behavior that suggests otherwise.
I don’t want to fix anyone because I am super busy trying to keep myself well-tuned. More accurately, it is not my job to fix anyone. Everyone has to do that for themselves without external assistance (save a good therapist). Now when I connect, I do so with people who feed my soul. I seek out people who think like me or share radically different opinions. I am drawn to people who make me laugh, keep me on my toes, and who render me awestruck. I cherish those with courage, intelligence, a sense of humor, and strength of character. I rebuff those that seek to diminish and harm; whether deliberately or accidentally. I turn away from those who see me and others as pieces in a game to be played. I walk away from those that are just plain ol’ no good for ME.
Connection is intense and complicated, like everything else good in this world. It is worth doing the work to connect. I promise you that. If I haven’t sworn it off, then no one should. You stick your plug in the wrong outlet and you get fried. Be mindful of where and with whom you plug in.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 