I have long known that I meet people in their space. That sounds strange, right? Well, it might sound familiar if you are like me, but if you aren’t, you might require a little bit in the way of explanation. Over the last 38 years or so, I have cultivated a comfort level with allowing people to design the relationship I have with them. They set the tone and establish the terms. The truth is that there are several reasons why I’ve acted this way and those reasons vary depending on the individual and the nature of the relationship (i.e. friendship, romantic, acquaintance, professional, etc.). That said if I am completely honest, there is a singular underlying motivation behind this behavior. It’s easier. Well, it isn’t actual easier (to be explored in a few paragraphs) but it has always felt easier to me.
This is brutally embarrassing to admit, but I’ve never been shy on this blog when it comes to laying myself bare. So, here goes nothing. When you meet people in their space, when you play by their rules, you ruffle fewer feathers, you create less conflict, and you are consistently put in a position where you can make nice. Also, as a nice added benefit, this behavior has enabled me to squash and push through some of my hang-ups and reservations, because there is often very little room for my personal baggage when someone else has already filled the allotted compartment.
Another somewhat ugly reality? I get to be the most understanding person on the planet, the best listener, and the most devoted friend. I accept dysfunction, distorted reality, OCD, ADD, and just plain ol’ shitty behavior. I forgive, forget, move on, and move through. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a hero complex at all. It just feels nice to be able to be there for people in a way that is pure and unaffected by your own shit. I also get to put my shit in perspective and feel like people will accept me for who I am in the same way (spoiler: this is NOT true).
There are three reasons why this is not a good life plan, two of which I will describe briefly and the last requires a quick story. First of all, there should be some measure of equanimity in every relationship. There is always a slight shifting back and forth that occurs but there should be a desire to maintain equilibrium for more of the time than not. The moving to one person’s space entirely can create feelings of emptiness and vulnerability over time and more profoundly, can detract a person (i.e. me) from dealing with their own shit because they are so busy side-stepping around everyone else’s nonsense. Secondly, if this practice is employed in an undiscerning, blanketed sort of way, it doesn’t really allow the person doing it to differentiate between those deserving of such selflessness and those who are decidedly not. It sort of mushes the lines and makes everyone of equal importance and if not obviously so, it places everyone else on a higher rung.
For the last piece, I’ll share a brief story. The context and full background of the friendship I will refer to is not really important to the messaging. Thus, I will share only this one particular bit, which is that a friend told me that she believed me to be her friend solely because I was keen to help people. This sounds beautiful when you first hear it, right? Like what a special person I must be if I am befriending with this altruistic intention of aiding those in need. Then I realized that I felt like I had been slapped across the face and gut punched at the same time. That’s not lovely, it’s awful. It doesn’t speak to someone giving and loving. It speaks to someone who sees people as broken entities requiring fixing. It speaks to someone arrogant enough to believe that they have it all together and can actually bestow some magical words of wisdom on others to get them to the same nirvana. It speaks to someone who isn’t particularly genuine, but instead, uses others to fix a part of them that is ultimately broken.
Now I know that this could have been coming from a wrecked spirit or individual engaging in self-handicapping, but man was it a wake-up call. The truth is that I’ve been doing much better with speaking my truth and asking that people meet me half way. I’ve become more comfortable with this idea that if someone is not willing to take (at a minimum) the same steps towards me that I am treading, they likely don’t belong in my life. I’ve accepted the fact that everyone’s disease and self-destruction is theirs and theirs alone. I’ve done all of that and still maintained my desire to be accepting of people and try to understand where they are coming from. I’ve tried to maintain a sense of compassion and love, even while better serving my soul. But, I just haven’t done a good enough job. I haven’t. I still fold. I still make excuses, particularly when it comes to those people I love most in the world.
I know, I know, if you can’t do that for the people closest to you, then who can you do it for? Here is a brutally hard truth: no one deserves that from you. Yup. You heard it here first and it really sucks to hear but I swear on everything that is true in this world that it is a real sentiment. Everyone has to figure their own shit out and NO one deserves to have their life disrupted or turned upside down to accommodate someone else’s issues. I have major shit to contend with, such as my massively fucked-up relationship history and some challenging friendships. I will have my days and I expect the people that love me to stay and weather that storm (see earlier post), but I don’t expect them to regularly put up with it. I would not expect that if I resolutely refuse to change or move forward that the people in my life would just shrug their shoulders and say “sure, it is just who she is.” That’s nonsensical bullshit. Just like I expect people to accept me for who I am, I also expect myself to be the very best version I have to offer. I expect that I will constantly and consistently do the hard work to better myself. I will not allow myself to take the easy way out and pat myself on the back for small victories. I will recognize that this work that is required is a 24-7 deal. Sure, I’ll fall down on the job and trip up and slide backwards. That’s okay and self-forgiveness is critical. It just shouldn’t be a fallback plan. Thus, I would expect the same from others.
Don’t be perfect. I’m super fucking far from perfect. I have a LOT of work to do, but I have time and the drive necessary to get it done. Some of it is going to take me just the length of time the realization requires, other parts are going to take weeks or months, and then there’s the real hard stuff that will likely require yeoman’s efforts over the course of my lifetime. It is not really about the time it takes you to get there. Not in my humble opinion anyway. It is about making the commitment to getting there. It is about not letting yourself off the hook or engaging in such a celebratory session for small moves that you cease forward movement. I mean don’t get me wrong, you should definitely feel proud when you start to get er’ done. You just shouldn’t lose the big picture along the way. I am not saying this in a judge-y way at all. I am saying this because I have done this. Once I survived my break-up recovery, I did this sort of epic victory lap. Then I sat down with my cape and crown and put my feet up, took a deep breath, and surveyed the spoils of my brilliant evolution. Then, as you might have predicted, I got bitch slapped right back to reality. It was pretty bad guys. Curious as to why? Welllll I was alone in the ring. Do you know what I mean by that? I was fighting myself. The pain that was caused was entirely due to MY behavior and mine alone. It was not a reaction to the world and not some magical healing process. It was quite simply my own reversion to bad habits.
Okay I might have digressed a bit in the above paragraphs but it was an important and relevant digression. What I am saying is I implore you to meet someone half-way, each with your imperfections in tow but with a willingness to do the work. The amount and type of work is irrelevant. It should not be compared and contrasted, nor used to establish “relative importance”. Don’t stand on ceremony either or judge someone else’s process. In other words, be reasonable. Allow someone (like you) to have a bad day, a bad week, or a bad few months. Let a fellow human slip up, slide back, or stay in place for a time. This might cause surliness, sudden outbursts, and just generally off or even shitty behavior. That’s okay. It’s forgivable PROVIDED it does not become a regular pattern or a norm to be accepted. You know how you know it isn’t those things? Well, usually a person acknowledges the behavior and maybe even apologizes at some point. But something else happens and it is really the more important point and action. Their behavior (or yours) changes. If they acknowledge, apologize, and then it happens again, that is the new pattern. Same goes if you do this. Yup. If you are stuck in ‘Groundhog Day’, you’ve just shifted into a stacked sandwich of shitty behavior with a few layers of ‘I’m so sorry’ in between. There must be forward movement. You should ultimately feel like you are on a balance beam that is gently swaying back and forth but more often than not, you get full-on and even eye contact with the person across from you. If the person is flying in the air or fully grounded, doing some perfect impersonation of the shrug emoji…you should start packing now. I don’t mean hide or run. I mean take all the goodness and love and deliciousness that you normally unpack from your precious heart and unselfishly share, and pack that shit away. Save it for someone who is willing to meet you in the middle.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 