This post is going to be connected to the rest of the topics I cover but might be viewed as a more tenuous thread of connection. I am still hoping it will be perceived as personal in nature, but seen as something of a lighter subject matter. Don’t get me wrong, the adventure that is dating can be extremely difficult to manage. So when I say light, I am hoping that you can find some humor in my words or some levity in the entirety of the experience. I am not claiming that the process or situation is not ever heart-wrenching, disappointing, demeaning, or frustrating as hell. I should also disclaimer that I am the FURTHEST from mastering said skill(s). Thus, like many of my posts, this is not a guide or the exploration of a professional level opinion. This is strictly a recounting of my own experience and the sharing of some observations I’ve made along the way (so far).
Growing up [as a woman] I was taught all of these incredibly useful skills; such as the bizarre face that is the most useful to make when artfully applying mascara or how to select the perfect undergarments for each and every outfit in order to avoid the dreaded VPL (visible panty line). I learned quickly just how long to sit under that utterly unimpressive blue-hued dryer to avoid a smeared manicure and how useful a straw can be in maintaining lip gloss during the consummation of a morning cup of coffee. My grandmother painstakingly reminded me to never leave home with unclean underwear and my closest aunt avoided any public interaction without at least putting on one coat of mascara. I was schooled on the necessity of ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and ‘may I…’ and I was taught it was rude to interrupt someone while speaking, even when employing an artful ‘excuse me.’ I was taught that it is unkind to ignore someone, that there is a particular way to deliver news so it causes the least hurt possible, and that generally, one should avoid lying. Rest assured that not one of these life lessons came remotely close to preparing me for the mind-bending experience that is dating in the modern age. Not. Even. Close.
Don’t misunderstand me. There are loads of resources out on the market aimed at educating the wayward female or person on this particular topic. There are books, podcasts, inspirational Instagram stories and posts, websites, seminars, and the list goes on. There is no end to the guidance one can discover by simply walking outside, spinning around, and pointing in any particular direction. I am not intimating that these sources are not helpful for anyone. However, I can 100% state with certainty that none of them have been particularly useful where I am concerned.
Sure, I’ve found myself momentarily empowered or “heard” after digesting a powerful blog post, but shortly thereafter, I’ve also found myself lingering in the same insecure and mystified state. Even those authors that push a more independent, female-empowerment approach seem to miss the elements of practicality or application in their oft powerful writing. They will gently advise that you should act cool and collected if Mr. Disappearing Act suddenly reappears, but fail to fully describe the unsettling emotions that accompany such a bold action. They encourage a ‘take-no-prisoners’, ‘know-your-own-self-worth’ attitude, but neglect to impart how one knows how to get on such a path or how you know when you have fully arrived. They are avoiding saying the one thing that everyone quietly whispers to themselves when in such a situation. Repeat after me: this sucks and none of this makes any sense.
I want to take a moment to explain that I don’t think that this experience is uniquely afforded to women. I know from friends that the challenge of finding someone can be equally distressing and difficult for men. Granted, some of the intricacies and particulars might be different, but the buck stops there. I have male friends that have expressed some serious frustration over the way in which males or females (whatever their preference) interact “on the dating scene.”
The bottom line is that it doesn’t always or even often feel lovely or exciting. I mean sure, there are ‘highs’, but there are also some pretty serious ‘lows.’ I am not bitter or devoid of hope that dating can be fun and relationships can work. I am merely reciting a truth that could help save you a good deal of pain. Don’t memorize rules or apply logic. Don’t set particular expectations or feel like manifestations will light your way. Don’t be surprised when the unexplainable happens and don’t try and guess what another is thinking. Take your reason and rational sensibility and chuck it out the window. Have a sense of humor. Not that, “ohmygodimgoingtocry” laugh, but like really extract the utter insane hilarity that accompanies dating.
People will do things because they aren’t very nice, they will act in a certain way because they are simply being self-protective, or they will blow your mind because they just have no fucking clue how to do this whole dating thing. I have found that even with a keen sense of what a red flag is it can be hard to identify who is going to be “normal” and who is going to be horrific or even bat-shit crazy. I mean sure, there are signs that emerge once you start to really converse with someone or spend time, but from the get-go, there might be such a “show” that the real person is too buried underneath layers of bs to be truly seen.
You can aggregate all of your experiences to try and create some sort of plan of attack or method, or you can accept that the interaction between people when it comes to dating is something of an anomaly. I mean sure there are similarities and patterns for sure BUT not necessarily where one individual is concerned. What I mean is that you might share a story with a friend or co-worker who is like “oh yeah….I had the same crazy shit happen to me a week/month/year ago.” Sure there are some outrageous and off-the-chart situations that are virtually incomparable, but those are few and far between (or one would hope).
I think it is about time that I get personal in this post, so here goes…
I am fucking terrible at dating. Next level awful. I am awkward, anxious, scared, somewhat disinterested, and sometimes hopeless. I don’t know what to say, I feel a ton of pressure generally, and people terrify me. I keep thinking that maybe I’ll get better at it or maybe if I meet the “right” person it won’t feel so shitty. I can’t really say for sure and I find myself mostly just wishing it was over with and I could somehow genie my way to the end game. Like maybe the universe will deliver me a good person in a non-dating format or one of my good friends will morph into a possibility so all of the tough stuff is out of the way. Crazy, I know…but that is how much I truly hate the whole scene. And yet, I haven’t quite given up. I’ve taken a break for now. I’m giving myself space to regroup, but I haven’t thrown in the towel just yet. I do NOT feel despondent. I am not certain I will meet someone but I also haven’t ruled out the possibility entirely. I have decided that whether I am ‘in’ or ‘out,’ I am going to try and take something of a different approach. Chill out, if you will.
Here’s the thing, I had a friend who recently explained her new take on online dating and I think it’s super brilliant. It takes every little piece of advice I’ve shared herein, and some more, and ties it up with a pretty little bow for your amusement and self-protection. She said that when she first started going on dates with the men she met online, she would painstakingly apply her makeup, blow her hair out, and splurge on a new top. Now, they are lucky if she showers. You feel me? I thought so. Good luck.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 