“I told myself a complicated story about how difficult people don’t deserve love any less than simpler ones. If we only allowed ourselves to care deeply about those who can reciprocate our affection the way we’ve grown accustomed to, did we have any business calling that “love” at all?” (Emily Belden. Hot Mess. Graydon House, 2018. Print).
When I read this particular sentiment, it profoundly resonated with me. It is a near perfect articulation of a version of the jargon I’ve had circling in my head for the better part of the 38 years I’ve been on this planet.
With respect to the relationships I’ve had, I’ve typically picked difficult, damaged, and generally inaccessible people. I’ve involved myself in traffic jams, dead ends, and fatal accidents. I’ve talked about this a little before but I fear that I’ve never cleanly laid it out in the black and white language that such a pattern or proclivity demands. Why? Embarrassment mostly. Also fear and denial. Basically, the same emotions I’ve experienced during and after each and every one of the relationships I described above.
“If it’s not easy, then it’s not worth it, right?” Wrong. Dead wrong. Nothing in life worth having is easy but something (or someone) being difficult does not give it (or them) inherent value. At all. If you believe that, I would invite you to let go of such a notion.
This is going to sound a little cheesy given the title of this here blog, but so much of what I am trying to get at or will get to in this post boils down to the idea of worthiness. The belief in oneself or more particularly, the paralyzing fear that if you pick the one who is not difficult, but rather, who is accessible and reachable, then they will reach into the most private and tender pieces of your heart, burrow in, and then deem you unworthy. Once you’ve opened yourself way open, as far as you can, that person will then decide to seek greener grass or grander adventures. At your most vulnerable, the will turn away and look for someone with less history and fewer scars, or someone lighter and less intense.
The really and truly fucked up part of this whole situation is that the possibility of the aforementioned situations happening exist under any circumstance, with any personality type or relationship situation. I mean I can’t speak to the full spectrum of relationships but I can assuredly state that I’ve been torn to shreds by the people I’ve chosen. The bottom line is that love is a risky game no matter the players. In any circumstance, with any partner, it is still a game of chance. So, if you are going to bet big, don’t you want the possible return to match? I can tell you that I have time and again bet on those individuals who were effectively a one-way ticket to nowhere-ville. Please understand that when I say that, I am not talking about co-habitation, marriage, kids, et cetera. I’m talking about a lack of open and full reciprocal love.
I’ve hedged by bets more often that I care to admit by involving myself in conditional, caveated, and nowhere land relationships. I’ve made excuses and I’ve entertained scads of romantic notions. I’ve sold myself short, really short. I’ve deprived myself. I am not saying that “better” opportunities presented and I passed on them. I mean sure, that’s a possibility, but none really come immediately to mind. What I am saying is that I was so busy losing myself in what was wrong that I didn’t even have the presence of mind to contemplate what might be right. I was endlessly drawn to what I could fix, who I could fix, and where I could hide. I am still terrified to this day that I will have in front of me a person that I should perhaps bet on and I’ll retreat for fear of rejection, pain, and the potential for irreparable emotional damage.
Brutal truth? When someone is dysfunctional, cruel, or generally broken, the after is not good but there’s a sort of justification process that ensues. For me, it looks something like this: he was never really available to begin with he was never very kind, he made it clear from the beginning what his intentions were, and so on and so forth. Reams of mental paper filled with excuses. If someone is whole and I meet them half way and I left them in and they leave, what does that mean?
Hang on one second. Let’s pause. I want to be crystal fucking clear that I am not suggesting that we are all halves desperately seeking to be made whole by another human. What I am talking about is reference points. We know ourselves through our own self-reflection and the observations or actions of others. We study others for comparisons, we observe our “reflections” and our impact, to truly understand who we are and we have to offer.
This post might have taken a turn for the “out there” or existential so let me bring this point a little closer to earth with some real talk. Let’s use a lighter and somewhat silly example to move away from the real heavy shit for a moment. I am out dining at a restaurant and I am enjoying a delicious meal. I am hungry and believe that I am savoring each bite. I feel joyful in this moment. Then a snarky waiter comes to fetch my plate and says “wow, someone must have been hungry.” Maye I am so rock solid as a human that I smile and nod my head in agreement. Maybe this is the first time I’ve heard such a bold and frankly, rude, observation, but I still find the overall sentiment insignificant; in one ear and out the other. Or maybe, just maybe, this statement is a reflection of some insecurity that lurks deep within the recesses of my being.
So, I feel embarrassed, belittled, or even a little angry or annoyed. Reference points, get it? Someone else has created a baseline or “point” by which I can measure some quality I have or one of my behaviors. An inaccessible person can still cause damage but they eventually become a lesser reference point. We point to their inaccessibility to diminish the impact of the comparisons. Not always and not straight away, but often and eventually. What if someone is accessible? What then becomes of those reference points? They stand, strong and unfailing. They force vulnerability, exposure, emotional rawness and a completely different perspective.
Those we seek to rescue or fix or cure, those are just an attempt to artificially create more palatable reference points. I will be the one who hangs-in. I will be the hero and the martyr. I will not allow myself to see that this behavior, this pattern, is reflective of something fundamentally broken inside of me. Instead, I will look outside of me to place blame and responsibility. You know what I’ve learned? You can love someone flawed, histories, and challenging. You cannot truly love someone inaccessible or someone who does not reciprocate. That is not true love. I know, I know. This is my opinion. Not general fact, just how I feel. In fact, I don’t believe that is even really a relationship or a pure attempt at one. It is a cop-out. It is the appearance of something rather than the thing itself. To reiterate, it is self-punishment and deprivation. It is an exercise in futility.
It may feel easier at first because there are “outs” and pre-existing barriers, but it is always harder, internally and externally, or both. I’ve walked head-strong and head first into so many dead ends that if I’m honest, I don’t know if I’d truly recognize available if it was right in front of my face. All I can do for now is turn away from the unavailable. Rather than making foolish and foolhardy bets, I can keep my assets close to me. I can store them up for when I finally decide to bet in order to take a worthy chance.
Seek and accept open. Look for reciprocation in all circumstances. If a barrier exists and it isn’t on your “list” then walk, no run, in the other direction. Save your goodness for a better bet. Even if you get hurt or you are rejected, the journey will be healthier, more balanced, and sweeter. You will learn a valuable lesson for maybe the first time instead of the tenth.
You know what they say right? Go big or go home. So, you can be bold and you can take chances, but don’t waste your energy when the odds are most assuredly not in your favor. Inaccessible is not sexy or exciting and it is also not love. The same goes for too accessible, but that is a discussion for another time.
You can be patient, you can allow people to be who they truly are and accept them as such, and you can grant something room to grow and take root (or not). But you cannot make the inaccessible, accessible. You cannot force reciprocity of affection. If you decide that others are worthy of your love, just make sure that you are also on that list, near the top, or better yet, at the top. Be careful what you call love but if it presents itself, don’t run away from it. Don’t expect people to love you in the way you do but set a bottom line that they love you in the way that truly, truly works for you.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 