I was recently traveling; bearing witness to some of the insane beauty this wide world has to offer. As a quick aside, I highly recommend such a break. Even if hiking is not your thing, find a way to explore (near or far) in a way that best suits you and brings joy to your heart. There is little that has brought me greater self-realization and a swifter perspective shift than getting out of my environment and quite frankly, my comfort zone.
Even in my more solitary moments of travel, I rarely find myself feeling lonely. To the contrary, I feel happy and peaceful, and well, whole. That said I did find myself reflecting back on the last large trip I took and my presence of mind at that time. My last epic adventure was Switzerland and if I am completely candid, I was, at the time, in the throes of processing my grief and sorting out how to heal during the whole of that trip. These facts did not taint my trip in the slightest. To the contrary, I found myself profoundly grateful for the opportunity to [literally and figuratively] get some fresh air and sort myself out properly. There is no real way to know the “what if” for certain, but I am absolutely positive that had I not gone I would have been in a far worse position to process the news that awaited me upon my return (the wedded bliss of my ex of four months).
My mindset during my most recent excursion was far different than that particular period of my life in that my grieving period has passed and that relationship is securely in the rear-view mirror. However, that doesn’t mean that this trip was devoid of any sort of emotional journey.
In fact, I found myself sitting just outside of my tent one night looking up at a star filled sky having just that sort of experience. It was brutally chilly but I didn’t feel uncomfortable. I had no desire to immediately move. I sat, all bundled, and reveled in the profound quiet surrounding me. In that very moment, in each breath I took, I found myself wondering what life might be like now had I heeded the warnings of others, listened to my gut, or been in a better position to identify and deal with some of the red flags I saw in my ex and our relationship. Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t regretful and I wasn’t beating myself up. I was just, well, pensive. I was thoughtful and curious. I also challenged myself to explore whether I had actually changed since that time. I asked myself if I would make the same mistakes today.
If I’m brutally honest, I will tell you that I’m not sure. Not because I haven’t learned my lesson(s), but because there were lessons for me to learn. Does that make sense? The universe had to drop that giant pile of steaming crap at my feet because there were things I HAD to face. I had to explore what had happened to my self-esteem over time, how I viewed relationships, and the compromises I had made over and over again. When you’ve never had a more traditional or typical relationship (hand raised), it is difficult to understand when you’ve deviated so far from “normal” that the brakes need to be seriously pumped. To keep with the same theme, I was due for a collision because traveling at 100 mph, I was missing literally everything. I was in survival mode and lacked the foresight, insight, and wherewithal to operate any other way.
People warned me about my ex. They did. There were so many things, little and big, that they saw and I just didn’t. Well, let me correct myself. I didn’t want to see them or I did but I put them into a context whereas they were less harmful and more “par for the course.”
There were so many lessons that emerged out of the cluster-fuck that was my life at that time, but two specific bits of wisdom are entirely relevant to this post, and they tie together. One: whether the actual advice or observations you receive (solicited or not) seem reasonable and how close the people are to you offering said opinions, are effectively irrelevant facts. Two: our ability as humans to dull or ignore our intuition or “gut feelings” is quite spectacular.
People advised me at all different points in my journey. They warned me when my ex chastised me for a long-term friendship, they cautioned me when he so easily used silence as a weapon of choice, and they implored me not to be intimidated when it came time to express my needs and wants. Sometimes the advice came in the form of people I wasn’t close to. You know…the “when are you guys getting married” bit…where I responded “that’s not us and we are happy” and got back the “okay, so long as that’s what BOTH of you want.” There was also gentle counsel that was delicately put forth by those nearest and dearest to me. This typically did not come in the form of criticism or judgment, but rather soft imploring; the suggestion that I remain true to myself and see things as they were rather than as I wanted them to be. News flash- it just didn’t fucking matter. Not who was saying it or how they said it. It was my path, they were my choices, and truly, it was my very own self-destruction.
I know I need to make my own choices but I also learned that a trusted opinion isn’t such a bad thing. Even when it’s painful or contrary to a direction I want to move in or a perspective I have, it behooves me to listen to my inner circle when they have something to say. I don’t need someone to tell me what to do, but it doesn’t hurt to ask “does this seem weird to you?” or “what do you think you would do?” These are valuable exercises because it offers insight that is very difficult to gain when you are in the thick of something, no matter how emotionally intelligent you might be. Bottom line, you likely won’t hear me utter the following phrase ever again: “yeah, but I just know a side to him/this/us that you don’t see.”
Onto the next sentiment- the powerful force that is our intuition. I am not embarrassed to tell you that I used to get PISSED OFF when someone told me to listen to my gut. That’s right. Angry. Why the fuck would someone tell me to follow something that has always seemingly led me astray? My “gut” is clearly broken so why on god’s green earth would that be a good resource for me as a mechanism of self-protection or sound decision making? Here’s what I learned, and man oh man did this hurt: my gut wasn’t broken. I just wasn’t tuning in. I was ignoring it. I was misreading it. I was playing a game of telephone whereas I was extracting the message that I wanted rather than the message that was actually there, right in front of me.
I am not suggesting that your intuition will always be spot on if you follow it and you will not make mistakes. I mean, I could argue that those mistakes are important ones to make, but yeah, you know that already I imagine. I am suggesting that there is a powerful tool deep within us that we can connect to in order to make more empowered and sound decisions. The thing is that it is not usually a quick plug and play. Reading one’s intuition takes patience and thoughtful consideration. I am also not telling you that you should always follow the safe path as guided by your intuition. Throw caution to the wind, takes risks, and live a little. BUT use your intuition to understand exactly what those risks are before you make those decisions. Ask yourself if you can truly live with the potential outcome(s).
My gut has usually sent out pretty serious and strong messages, and I’ve pushed those as far down as I could. In fact, the universe has often paired that “gut feeling” with a sign of some sort that my perception was pretty on point. And still, nada. There were so many reasons for this, but mostly, I wanted what I wanted. It is really that simple. I wanted to be in a relationship with my ex and so, come hell or high water, I was going to trudge through. His dramatic attachment in the beginning that flew in the face of my “slow is better” approach, his dueling possessiveness and utter neglect, and his desire to keep one foot out the door- no big deal. I pointed to all the pros on the list I had made in my head and told myself that I was just being me. Overly cautious and afraid of true commitment.
I still feel like my connection to my “gut” is a little wonky, but I am getting better at reading it. I also mitigate against my intuition shortcomings by actually telling people what I need. Again, I don’t always do this well, but I do my best. Sometimes it is just telling ME what I need. Like I know I need a little breathing room to be happy, so if someone needs to be up my ass constantly, that’s probably a recipe for disaster. I know that I despise the silent treatment or being purposefully ignored so if that is someone’s preferred method of communication, not my gig. I know that I love being affectionate but on my terms, so smothering me will probably send me into a tailspin. So yeah, you guessed it- this “exercise” is a combination of knowing what you want (and telling yourself the TRUTH in what that is) and then listening to what your insides are telling you about how that matches with what is being presented to you.
What does all of this boil down to and how does it connect with where I started? Well, life is too short to have regrets. For sure. You should take risks and think big and love bigger, but you should also try and protect yourself. I have worn a coat of impenetrable armor for most of my life in my relationships but still wholly failed at the art of self-protection. I kept people at arm’s length and yet still couldn’t master figuring out what the fuck I actually wanted and/or needed. I ignored the things that gave me the willies or insecurities or raised my eyebrows.
I needed to get the shit kicked out of me. I did. I needed it to connect back with who I am and realize what I don’t want and what I don’t need. But now I need to be okay. So yeah, I try and plug into my trusted circle and I try to plug into my intuition. I still ignore both sometimes, but it is for good reason and it is in the face of accepting all of the risks. I actually weigh the risk/reward now instead of just crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. I am unique in some ways, but I am NOT so different in that there is something magical that other people are missing that I just get. So yeah, if a person who LOVES me (and who I love in return) or my deepest insides tell me that something is off or generally bad, then I’m going to consider what that means to me and for me. I don’t make exceptions for people. I am forgiving of flaws and faults (aka being human) but I don’t permit myself to pretend that they don’t exist.
I’ve kept people away from me because it has always been terrifying to let them in close. When I’ve let them in, I’ve gotten hurt. I choose fucked up because the implosion is more predictable. And yeah, they’ve always collapsed. I don’t have regrets but I would also do things a little differently. I WILL do things differently this time around. Life is not about playing it safe all the time but it is also not about charging forward without any regard for safety and security. Like all good things, life, and specifically love, requires balance. Life is too long and too short to rush achieving that equilibrium.
Give yourself a moment. Try and listen with an open mind. Make decisions with an open heart. Be brave but also, be smart.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 