I went back and forth several times in my mind before putting pen to paper in connection with this topic. There are many reasons for this but mostly, I feel like despite what I believe to be the utter reasonableness involved, I know this topic can be controversial. I am not trying to say that the provocative nature of a topic would deter me from posting about it. To the contrary, as I recognize that many of the topics that I tackle on this blog might be challenging for folks who read it. Instead I am offering an observation that some matters are more divisive than others and I want to be sensitive to that reality. I am not suggesting that I will not be completely candid as I am with every topic I post about on this blog. Rather, I might pause before I present material and consider some of the nuances that should be presented in tandem. You know…a little more wordsmithing and a little less stream of consciousness.
There are numerous motivating factors behind this post and while I won’t necessarily get into any great level of detail on any in particular, I still think they bear a mention for context alone. Some incidents and situations that encouraged this post are as follows: state abortion laws, the 2020 Presidential race, a sexual harassment training I received at work, my recent dates, and a friend’s divorce. If I had to guess, you are currently scratching your head in some vain attempt to figure out how any of these topics connect to one another. What IS the common thread and how could each of these events preempt the same topic of discussion?
I am glad you’ve asked. What do all of these issues make me ponder with great regularity? Civility. Yup. You read that right. I know, I know. Cringe. Contemplate not reading further. I PROMISE you that this post is not about my feelings on any particular current event, political candidate, or topic du jour. Instead this is a commentary and my perspective on how we engage on those topics and many others. While the idea of political correctness might be on the periphery of this conversation, that is also not going to be a focus. I am less concerned about the subject matter of our conversations and much more inspired by the tone and tenor of those conversations.
Let’s start with a brief lesson, because why not? There are many, many versions of the definition of civility out in the world (which may alone be problematic) but I quite like this one: “It’s sometimes defined as simply being polite. It comes from the Latin root civilis, meaning “befitting a citizen.” It’s a term that’s a comfort to some and repressive to others. And while, yes, it can refer to politeness, it’s much more than that” (Leila Fadal. In These Divided Times, Is Civility Under Siege? (Mar. 12, 2019). Available at: https://www.npr.org/2019/03/12/702011061/in-these-divided-times-is-civility-under-siege). Before I get into the nitty gritty regarding this definition and the application of such, I want to explain why I like this specific explanation of the term.
First of all it is basic, so in theory it is easy to understand and apply. Second of all, the more expansive portion lends credence to the idea that despite a rather basic definition, civility is a complicated and multi-faceted concept. The definition and application could vary based upon the particular audience. Culture, upbringing, and personality might all impact how one might view civility; the appropriate meaning and their feelings about it.
I will admit at this juncture that my views on civility and the interactions I’ve had on this particular topic may not be the most popular and are certainly a little crude. An inherent flaw I possess is the truest form of irony when it comes to this topic. Ready? I often struggle with the ability to remain civil when I am around what I consider to be a lack of civility. I recognize the utter craziness of this kind of hypocrisy but I feel like the truth must be told even when it doesn’t reflect well upon me. It would be a much better story if I could tell you that I remain unfazed and cool as a cucumber in the face of intolerance and what I like to call “a full cup syndrome” but alas, I am not. I am the opposite. I feel frustrated and that is often accompanied by visible irritation. However, I am going to try and stick to a 10,000 feet away description rather than getting into any great detail on any annoyance factor that may or may not emerge.
Often people will refer to the decorum or civility that existed in our society during the so-called Donna Reed days or in the 1950s. Although I’ve seen movies and television shows and have been regaled with stories from my parents, I can’t say that I have any personal experience attesting to that fact. What I can speak to is the noticeable decline in civility that has occurred in my lifetime and more specifically, in the last five years or so. It would be easy to blame any one particular figure head for this unfortunate situation but the truth is that it is not on one person or even a few.
I remember watching a special on the scandalized Gary Hart a few years back and being disappointed, flabbergasted, and then having a perfectly un-special ‘duh’ moment when a newsperson explained that the idea to serve up salacious personal information on politicians might have come from the media brain, but it will be an ever-lasting situation because of the public. In other words, the media only dishes out what the public is willing to gobble up. If a story falls on its face, there is little likelihood that the powers that be are going to jump all over the same idea in the future. I don’t see the decline in civility any differently. If one person acted really super-duper uncivil and people were aghast and exclusionary, I imagine it is a trend that would not catch fire. However, make it some sort of acceptable situation and bam, there goes the farm. We’ve become tolerant of uncivil behavior. Shame on us.
That isn’t the end of the story though, not by a long shot.
I am fiscally conservative and generally more liberal when it comes to social issues. I’m not getting into it because frankly it’s none of anyone’s business and I feel assured that you probably don’t care. There are exceptions to both sides to that fence. I’ve met folks of all different backgrounds who have wildly different perspectives, thoughts, feelings, and opinions than I do. I don’t feel compelled to judge them or burn them at the stake. Unless your opinion is one that supports actions that lead to the very legitimate physical and/or emotional pain to another human, it is yours and yours alone. Knock your socks off. In fact, even if it does and I think you are awful and devoid of a heart, I’m likely not going to engage with you.
Let me clear. That doesn’t mean I won’t have a lively and spirited debate with someone if the appropriate situation arises. That doesn’t mean I will permit someone to say disgusting and wildly off-color things in my presence without my distaste being made known. That also doesn’t mean that I am missing a backbone. I simply believe that basic civility is an important part of the foundation of a successful, thriving, and ordered society. One can express a difference of opinion in a way that is respectful of another human. One can disagree with someone’s beliefs on any great number of things and still be CIVIL. Hell, you might even like someone that you don’t see eye to eye with, and that feels pretty good too.
I feel like I need to say something to again reiterate that I am not condoning the expression of ignorance or hatred. I am simply stating that I believe as a society we have either forgotten or we are choosing to forget how to be polite. I know that technology makes impoliteness easier. People are more likely to spew distasteful and angry sentiments when they are enjoying the anonymity or security of cyber space. However, I have seen ill-mannered behavior exist well beyond the web. I have seen this behavior expressed in forms where its unpleasant nature is not immediately apparent. Snide and disparaging remarks made with a smile.
Okay. Great. Be civil. What does this have to do with relationships and worthiness? Everything. Yup. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. How? Well I believe that when there is a lack of civility, there is also an underlying lack of true communication. When anger, judgment, and ridicule take over an interaction, it often negates the ability of two people to really hear each other. It becomes a game of who is right and who is wrong, hurt feelings, and competitive disadvantages. Yes, I called it a game because it is just that. A game.
I believe that you don’t need a partner or friend who agrees with you on everything but I guarantee you that a relationship will be more successful if you can communicate effectively with one another. Sure, you should share common values and points of view, but checking every single box for me is not necessary. However, if you bury your feelings about your partners views, rather than being able to understand them (and still disagree, respectfully), they are likely going to bubble, or more accurately, explode, to the surface at some point in the future.
Present your counter view(s), but try to avoid the “but” after “I hear you.” Here’s a crazy thought: be prepared to maybe have your mind changed. I know that sounds insane, but it’s really not. I’m proud that I have fundamental and unchangeable values but that I also have an open mind and heart that it willing to see things differently. I am not easily moved when it comes to my core beliefs but I am always prepared to hear someone out. That, my friends, is civility.
You know what’s also civil? Politely walking away in the face of meeting an “immovable object.” Disengaging.
If your sole thought in life is that you have to always win or be right about things then I imagine that life, whether shared with another human or not, a lonely one. Either you are alienating people or frightening them into submission. As I admitted earlier, I get a bit fed up at times by folks’ intolerance and singular-mindedness. I act irrational sometimes or pissy. I am not proud of this but I also work on it constantly. That isn’t just lip-service either. It is incredibly difficult at times but I believe it to be essential.
There is this great test that I like to utilize and for that matter, share with others. If you have to ask yourself repeatedly if you are acting like a jerk, survey says the answer is likely yes. Try rethinking, reconsidering, and shifting.
Civil doesn’t mean vulnerable or mushy. It doesn’t mean always being kind. It means being polite. It means that you should be tolerant, have manners, and well…try not to be a dick. You can do it. I know you can.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 