Conflict is so tricky. It really is. We all handle conflict differently and within our very distinct reactions, we might present varying responses depending on the situation and persons involved. If I’m being honest, I will tell you that I don’t really like conflict. If I’m being even more honest than that, I will share that I have historically handled conflict terribly which is the real reason why I don’t like it. Don’t get me wrong, there aren’t many personalities that like conflict per se but like anything else, there are some.
There are so many reasons why a person might enjoy conflict and even though that personality isn’t the focus of this post, I think it is meaningful to explore that a bit because you might come face to face with that very person. Conflict can be enjoyable if someone is generally unhappy (misery loves company); if they are looking for an exit from something/someone and don’t have an alternative strategy to employ; if they recognize it as a means to an end; and/or if someone is troubled. This is not an all-inclusive list, but rather it is reflective of some of the conflict-loving folks that I have come into contact with over the years. I don’t believe it is necessarily healthy to relish conflict, nor do I find it useful to have abhorrence towards it or an inability to manage it properly (c’est moi!).
I am going to list some of the emotions that I’ve often felt when faced with potential or actual conflict. I believe this list will give a strong indication as to why I’ve sought my oft used ineffectual coping strategy instead of dealing with the conflict head-on. Amongst other feelings, I’ve experienced the following in the face of conflict: anxiety, sadness, fear, anger, and panic. Those are some of the broader based emotions I’ve faced. Specifically, I have been afraid that a conflict will not resolve to my satisfaction or might not resolve at all, I’ve been terrified of the words that will be uttered or actions taken during a conflict, I’ve been unhappy that the conflict has arisen to begin with and I’ve felt frustrated that no other remedy is available that will make it just “go away”, and I’ve been disappointed in myself that I am paralyzed when facing conflict.
Rather than tackling these sundry emotions head on, I have often done what feels much more natural and comforting- I stick my head as far down in the sand as I’m able. I make nice and smooth over. I am solicitous and often apologize where an apology from me is unwarranted. When in doubt, I get as far away from the “issue” as I possibly can until I reasonably believe that the storm has passed and things have calmed. It’s not even that I pretend that there isn’t an issue. To the contrary, I’ve often found myself tiptoeing around the person/situation in perpetuity.
Putting pen to paper in this way when it comes to this issue makes me cringe. It does. I feel sort of queasy and mildly embarrassed. The good news is that I’ve grown and I’ve graduated to a safer and more appropriate reaction when it comes to conflict. I’m far from perfect but I work on it all the time. Why? Well, I’ve learned that conflict teaches us. Its origin, depth, meaning, and impact all provide a lesson on the people we surround ourselves with, the decisions we make, and the life we want to lead. That sounds dramatic but I promise you that it’s the truth.
I am not suggesting that you should run into conflict headfirst. I am not intimating that we should fight tooth and nail through struggles or that everything should become a battle. I am merely putting a thought out into the universe that when we have an honest and open relationship with conflict (I know, this sounds strange but bear with me), we can find ourselves having a more honest and open relationship with ourselves. We finally begin to answer questions like “why do I elicit that reaction in ____?” and “why does _____ always seem to trigger me?” If your go-to response to the beginning of a skirmish is much like mine has historically been, then you might be missing some lil’ and big picture life lessons.
There are a couple of basic guidelines or parameters that I tend to abide by when assessing conflict. I am no expert in conflict resolution. I mean, I legit just started figuring this stuff out a year or so ago. BUT I am in the process of doing the work, so I can tell you what I am learning “on the ground.” The following are some high level pointers:
- Try and get a sense of the mental and physical state of the person(s) you are facing conflict with because if they are compromised in either capacity, it’s a good idea to wait for a correction or a return back to “normal” before you engage or respond. For example, if your friend has done something to instigate or hurt you but they are presently intoxicated or reeling from a recent break-up, maybe take a hot minute and wait until sobriety and emotional stability have somewhat returned.
- You can point to related issues but try to keep on topic. If you use one particular conflict to lob out every grudge and emotional grenade you’ve been storing (if you are that kind of gal/guy), I feel certain that your point will be missed and your interaction will be mostly for naught. There is a possibility that something will be dealt with, but survey says it is likely not that very thing that you actually wanted to address.
- Try not to cry. I know that this is a tough one. Tears are not a sign of weakness and they are not useless. However, with most people tears cause feelings of pity and even sometimes panic and thus, you might not get an authentic response or interaction. Also, if you are a real over the top crier like myself (no Hollywood one tear rolling for this chick), your message might LITERALLY not be understood. Not lost in emotional translation, but lost in your mumbling, snot-filled explanation. If you are a pretty crier, I would still discourage such but good for you.
- If you are like me and a feeling of panic seizes you once you start to speak your mind or engage, resist the urge to take it back. Do not scramble, explain it away, or backtrack. Take a nice deep breath and move forward. At worst, go silent. Do NOT say any of the following: “yeah, that’s not what I really meant I guess,” “I’m not sure if I’m making my point correctly,” “I’m sure I’m just being dramatic here,” or “honestly, it doesn’t really matter.” Stand by your thoughts. If you have to clarify, then do so but don’t erase or negate.
- If your interaction is clearly not leading to a resolution, don’t say “forget it” but rather tell the person that you want to revisit at another time. Analyze the discussion and see if maybe you can take a different approach next time. Again, this isn’t about walking on eggshells. This is about figuring out whether your approach put someone on the offensive rather than opening up a line of communication. If you can’t figure out what went wrong, sometimes it is beneficial to wait for the cool down and then ask that person how you could have approached the situation differently. Sometimes people will look at you like you are CRAZY and tell you nothing. That tells you something too, you know? Sometimes they will be appropriately humbled by your observation and maybe even take the opportunity to share their feelings.
- Take a look at whether you tend to circle back to the same issues with the same person(s). If you do or you are, then the relationship itself might be toxic. You can address something ad infinitum if you so choose, but you will literally be doing just that. You will find yourself on a merry-go-round with another human and you can’t expect that to ever feel good. You just have to accept it for what it is. I’ve dumped this kind of relationship and I’m hoping to never revisit it again, but to each their own.
I understand that conflict comes in many forms, shapes, and sizes. There is majorly huge conflict and little itty bitty conflict. There is no way to create some sort of blanket approach that would satisfy every single possibility, but I’ve found that the above parameters are extremely valuable in a variety of circumstances. I’ve learned that the big conflict going untreated can be just as detrimental as the little conflict being ignored. There is no shifting away from conflict that doesn’t cause a revisit or a haunting at some other point in life. If we are faced with an issue with someone and about face, chances are we will find ourselves right in front of that very issue with just the players and environmental details differing. That whole “you can’t run from your problems” bit…yeah, it’s pretty on point.
Another point I want to make is that conflict resolution can have some really beautiful consequences. You learn who belongs in your life and maybe who doesn’t, you find courage where maybe none existed, you establish healthy boundaries, you discover what you want or what makes you happy (or both), and you grow. You really, really grow.
When I started pushing back in my relationship, it quickly spiraled into the end. I could tell myself that I shouldn’t have pushed or fought. OR I could do what I have done and am doing. I could give myself a hug and a sincere thank you. I can thank a higher power that I dug deep and pushed through my fear. When I moved forward and engaged, instead of hiding and cowering, I found my voice, I found my happiness, and I found a way out of what had become an emotional prison.
It is the furthest thing from easy, but it is undeniably essential to survival. Sound dramatic? Avoid conflict for a good long while and let me know how you feel.
Just kidding, don’t. Push through. Communicate. Manage conflict, don’t be owned by it.
Until the next…
L.
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