Love, The Queen of Credit

Have you ever had the experience where someone reveals a part of themselves and you feel disappointed but you can’t exactly figure out why? Some part of you can’t clearly articulate what expectation you had of that person that was shattered by their behavior. And YET you know as sure as anything that you’ve been let down in some way.

Here is the crazy part (or not so crazy): the person hasn’t really done anything at all. This is all you baby. That’s right. Well, let me caveat for a hot minute so we don’t generalize ourselves into the next millennium. Someone can appear to be a kind and lovely person and reveal themselves to be a total shit. Their crappy and mostly unacceptable behavior is entirely “on them”.  Your reaction to such is on you. Of course, these categorizations I am throwing out there are assuming some normal time period or interaction with this so-called human. In other words, if you know someone to be a good egg for ten years and then they wake up one morning with a hankering to go forth and forever destroy everything in their path, I highly doubt you could have predicted such behavior. For that reason, those types of scenarios are exempt from what I am referring to in this point.

What I am talking about is best illuminated with a couple of other types of scenarios. Two that immediately come to mind are as follows: (i) you know someone for years and they generally reveal a penchant for deplorable behavior but you get super cozy with your cognitive biases and generally see their sunshine instead of their darkness until BAM you can’t any longer and TA-DA, disappointment occurs; or (ii) you’ve just met someone and you don’t really know them at all but you’ve created a paradigm for who they are and what they are about apropos of nearly nothing, and BAM they do something that steps outside that paradigm and TA-DA, heartbreaking disenchantment. These two situations have one very intense commonality in that in both circumstances you’ve placed expectations on another human that do not fit.

Some logic would tell me to tell you that there is a simple solution to this quandary. Just don’t have expectations of anyone, ever. But don’t do that. I mean really, please don’t. I actually inadvertently tried that for like 30-ish years and it is a really bad path to travel down. There isn’t a ton of disappointment, though shockingly some exists, but there is a good deal of abuse and taking advantage that goes on. It is a terrible idea. I mean really. Please don’t do it. Okay, moving on.

There is no simple solution but I am going to tell you what I am trying to do and I’m fairly certain it will put you in a better spot. It sounds entirely logical and yet we don’t seem to do it. Ever. I mean I sure didn’t. Take people at face value. Listen to their words but watch their actions, and plug into where the two diverge. Even in the face of a lot of crappy people, don’t mistake basic humanity and decency for a spectacular human being. Don’t assign a high value to bottom line respect. Don’t believe you can read someone’s mind or understand how they are feeling. If you really want to know, then ask. Even when they tell you, imagine that they might be telling you the truth or they might not. Look for the actions that match their explanations.

I am not telling you to be jaded or guarded or untrusting. I am simply suggesting that you take your time and allow someone to reveal who they are over time. I am asking you to look at the quality you are celebrating in another human and to decide how excited you get over that quality in yourself. If the emotions match, you are golden. Let me explain because that one might be a little fuzzy. Someone calls you when they say they are going to. You go ape shit because you are used to people not calling when they say they are going to. You look within yourself and recognize that this particular word-action pairing is not revolutionary. You do this all the time. You could do this while chewing gum and walking. Therefore, while I am not suggesting you scoff as such a normal bit of kindness, I AM strongly recommending that you gain a little perspective. You do not say “wow, ____ is legit the best person I know” but rather, you say “I’m glad they did that so I can continue to talk to them”.

I want to continue this thought because it is actually monstrously large in importance.

Nearly twenty years ago I had two close friends. One of these friends was always giving people “credit” and myself and the other friend were always marveling at this doling of credit. We smugly laughed and wondered at the frivolity, casual nature, and ridiculousness of the credit assignment. Someone showed up at an event they said they were attending? Credit granted. Someone helped a friend out who was sick/injured? Credit granted. Someone held a door open? Credit granted. You get the gist, right? Lots of credit everywhere. What did I do? I boldly laughed. I arrogantly judged this distribution of accolades. Wait for it…

Ten-ish years later, I was the queen of credit giving. That’s right. I took my friend’s credit distribution and made it look like small potatoes. I didn’t stop at kindnesses and loving gestures when it came to praise. I admired the negative spaces that folks existed in. HUH? Yeah. Like “wow, he could have just never spoken to me again, but he emailed me to say fuck off, so that’s like pretty nice.” I know. If you just threw up in your mouth a little, you aren’t alone. I’ve done the same thing in my various trips down memory lane. However, I then check myself. I forgive myself. I give myself a break. In my past I was a bit of a free dealer in the way of credit, so what?! The important part is that I refused to stay there. I now understand the err of my ways and I am trying to “fix” me.

There is a tenuous balance between the expectations we have of people, reality, and reasonableness. Thus, I am merely suggesting that while you should have a baseline, that bottom line should regularly undergo a rationality check. Start as I suggested earlier. Ask yourself whether the expectation you have of another is in line with your own behavior. If you believe it to be normal and acceptable behavior, then YES, expect it of others and don’t throw a party when it is exhibited. You can even raise your expectations of another human based on your particular relationship with them or what they’ve shown thus far (you can always do the same in reverse). However, you should check these expectations to make sure they forever match that human’s behavior and your relationship.

Again, let me explain. Someone has told you that they just want to be friends. FRIENDS. You can have feelings for them but they have made their intentions clear. They might act like they want more but they’ve told you what they really want. Their actions and words have parted ways. That means your expectations have to be checked. In such a case, we go with the lowest common denominator. You do not expect more because they might be acting a certain way. You go with the friends label because that is what they’ve expressed to you. That’s what I like to call living in reality. Remain neutral. If things change and you don’t know how to navigate, consider opening your mouth and communicating with that person. Under no uncertain terms should you decide that you know what the deal is in your own head. That is ALWAYS a recipe for disaster. If you are too scared to talk, then go with the lowest common denominator. Stay neutral. If you don’t and that person “let’s you down” based on your thoughts or feelings or expectations, that is on YOU. You can say all you want that they acted a certain way and I would make that wager that they tell you they told you exactly what they wanted. It is textbook and by textbook I mean something that has been written down because it happens all the damn time, exactly like that.

It is so hard to stay neutral. I know because I have often in my life taken a little spin outside Switzerland. The problem is when you do that, there is almost no stopping your mind or heart. You will become so infused with a false hope, so overcome by an alternative reality, that the fall back to earth will rock you like nothing else. You will feel angry with that person and likely pissed off at yourself. Don’t do that. Be neutral and allow someone to surprise you. Be even Steven and see where life takes you.

I’ve looked in the eyes and at the face of a person I was expressing my disappointment to and received that ‘wtf’ face back at me and boy-o does that feel terrible. My frustration was then layered with embarrassment which only served to spiral me out further. It is a dark and dank rabbit hole and a self-created one at that.

People may let you down. Actually, they will most certainly let you down. That’s okay and you are allowed to feel that way. BUT, make sure that emotion is based on who they really are and not who you’ve wanted them to be. Make sense?

God speed.

Until the next…

L.