Gommie, a modern day artist, creates these rather magical pieces of artwork purportedly based off of his diaries. They are beautiful, difficult, colorful, and provocative. They are not for everyone I suppose but they speak to me. One particular collection or perhaps the whole of what I’ve seen is called ‘My Offline Community of One.’ An article about this collection, this adventure, led me to follow Gommie’s Instagram. I often find myself viewing one of his posts and then revisiting it again and again. I think about it and reconsider it. I mull it over and I allow the emotions it arouses to wash over me.
A recent post featured a piece that I believe is called ‘Map 12- Mobility Scooters and Ricky Martin’ and is a large, colorful montage that boasts the following phrase in the middle: “Poem my mum thinks you might be a genius.” That is not the bit that grabbed me. I mean sure, that is an interesting sentiment but it wasn’t the real point of focus for me. The artist zoomed in on a few sections of the piece to highlight verbiage he placed in other areas of the piece. One particular spot read: “People are so hurt. People are so good.” Wow. Right? Or…maybe not wow for you. Wow for me.
It is amazing for me to read that because I feel like I am so hurt but so good. It is hard for me to write that, the good part, not the hurt part. It is difficult for me to acknowledge my goodness without caveats or disclaimers. I am generally good though. I have my flaws and weaknesses, as we all do, but in looking at the big picture I am overwhelmingly more so a good person or at least I try to be. I am also, as previously explained, a hurt person.
Being a good person allows me to recognize that others around me are both hurt and good. They are not mutually exclusive concepts but they often do battle within one’s psyche. I’ve spoken about the ‘hurt people, hurt people’ concept before. More generally and to the point of this discussion, even the best person can act poorly when coming from a place of hurt. Even a diamond in the rough can be walled off, callous, distant, and mean, in an attempt to self-protect.
In fact, there is one bit of behavior that often comes from a place of hurt that I’ve struggled to understand but have fallen victim to time and again. Both my hurt and my goodness whisper in my ear that I am capable of handling this behavior that I will soon describe. They tell me that the person acting in this way (see below) deserves my loyalty and not my abandonment. They tell me that the person is not meaning to be hurtful, but that it is an unfortunate byproduct of their struggles. What am I referring to? Well, the good ol’ hot and cold behavior bit. I am fairly certain you know what I am referring to, but I will describe it just in case.
Hot and cold behavior takes on many different forms based on the perpetuator, the relationship between the two people, and the environment. Thus, I can only tell you about my recent experiences with some understanding that you might have had or will have a completely different experience. What it looks like for me is someone who is first incredibly present. It is someone who acts loving and kind, but more than anything, someone who makes me feel like I am significant to them in whatever that means in the relationship. Following this olive branch, this connection, is distance. Not only is the person cold and removed but often mocks or trivializes the connection that was just established.
A hot and cold interaction could be someone texting or calling quite a bit and expressing rather profound thoughts and then going radio silent. I am not referring to ghosting, though I suppose that could be a part of the pattern too. There is a consistency in the inconsistency or a pattern in the confusing up and downs. Since I am radically honest on this blog, I will tell you that I’ve often (to this day) egotistically believed that I can transcend basic human emotions and endure in the face of such a roller coaster. Despite my terrible experiences and knowing that these things rarely end well, I still persist.
I don’t just sit quietly and wait for the ‘hot’ to come back. Nope. That would be ridiculous but still passable on some level. I try in vain to justify the behavior of the person putting me through this rigmarole. I tell myself I am being too sensitive, they are tired or overwhelmed with other parts of their life, I am expecting too much, etc. You get the point, right? I can’t just tell myself that they are being shitty so I work really, really hard to explain why they are acting the way that they are or to diminish the behavior and its impact.
I blame myself but I don’t hold myself accountable. In other words, I tell myself that I’ve expected too much from that person but I don’t own that I am letting someone treat me in a way that I find unpleasant. Even if ten other people find the behavior acceptable, it is up to me to move that person from view if I am struggling with the way they are acting. Although I have rarely acted on this sentiment, I am trying to now and so I will share it with you: I am not a better person because I find a way to easily navigate someone’s move in close/run far away actions. I don’t need to be that kind of cool. I am ultimately okay with the potential judgment that would come with me feeling confused and shitty when someone starts to back out the door shortly after walking confidently in.
As I just said, I do NOT have the hang of this yet. Not even a little. I have identified the problem and I have figured out how I want to handle said problem, but I am struggling with the execution. I do know that I will get there but it is going to take some time. The good news is that everything I’ve set my mind to that I’ve done slowly and with purpose has stuck far longer than my impulsive commitments.
People are entitled to have a bad moment, a bad day, a bad month, and even a bad year. Sometimes that yuck will translate into behavior that is not the epitome of kindness. I realize that I can leave room without giving such a wide berth that people have the permission and the space necessary to trample on my heart. There is an entire universe in which to operate in this in-between where I am not triggered, hurt, and dumped on.
I am usually taken advantage of because my good heart moves towards forgiveness in all situations. Brutal honesty? Sometimes I think I offer this kind of clemency because I am afraid that I am not worthy of holding onto disappointment or anger. Sometimes I believe that might need the same in return one day and I fear that withholding it from someone will only ensure that I will never be granted leeway when I need it the most. I suppose it is my muddled and upside down view of karma in its least pure form. Mostly I am loyal, to a fault. I forgive and make excuses because I believe in seeing things through and sticking things out. I don’t get going when it gets tough. I hang in, I support, and I stand by. Ultimately, I like that this element is a part of my personality, but I don’t think that everyone should be the beneficiary of such patience and kindness. The trouble is that I’ve had difficulty in discerning who should and who should not. I cannot always identify my breaking point before I am officially broken. I decide to stand up and then I feel myself wavering.
My point is that this thing I am talking about is not easy. It is the exact opposite of easy. It is the hardest fucking thing to figure out. It should logically hold that there is no pain associated with the potential of being left by someone who offers nothing or next to nothing and YET that is not the case. There is hope and there are memories to cling to.
The thing is that it is a slippery slope. I am not saying that you should cut people out immediately, lest they spread some sort of disconcerting poisonous vibes your way. I am saying that maybe you start to identify those that dole out the hot/cold behavior and determine whether you are experiencing the cold more than the hot or if the relationships generates enough good will to carry that particular load of shit. I am NOT mastering this situation anytime soon but I can tell you that the work related to this endeavor is indeed at the top of my list. I feel extremely motivated to find the balance between my fear of abandonment, my blind loyalty, and my willingness to be treated badly when it so suits the other person. People generally know of my ability to forgive and my soft nature and so I am ripe for the picking. I don’t want to be the perfect target any longer. I also don’t want it to go so far that I become jaded, untrusting, and bitter.
I always want to be able to see that people are good and people are hurt. I just want to exercise some modicum of self-preservation so their hurt does not annihilate me. I want a bottom line. I want boundaries. I want to be of the anxiety that comes with wondering whether today is a hot day or a cold day. It is a process but I am committed to seeing it through.
Are you the recipient of hot and cold behavior? Do you dole out hot and cold behavior and make people whom you adore subject to it? Either way, perhaps it is time to consider your actions or reactions. Maybe it is time to do things differently. Establish boundaries if you are the recipient. Establish boundaries if you are the perpetrator. If you are afraid of something, put a name to it, put words to it. Find some rudimentary way to express to the people you love that you are afraid of abandonment (in the case of the recipient) or you are grumpy at that moment or anxious about the connection with that person (perpetuator). Start there.
If someone leaves because you tell them they are hurting you, WHY do you want them around anyway? If someone leaves or reacts poorly because you tell them you need space to work through something, are they REALLY good for you?
Ask yourself how you really feel and then offer an honest answer. Try to muster up the courage to communicate in the most basic way what you are feeling. Dig down deeper and be brave enough to see it through, no matter the reaction.
You may backslide, but give it a whirl. I am, so we are at least in it together. Good luck. You got this.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 