There is a moment after an unpleasant interaction with another human, a pause, where we have a unique opportunity to discover how we contributed to that interaction. I am not suggesting that this is a moment of self-blame, but rather, of self-reflection. I feel comfortable admitting a flaw of mine at this juncture because it is relevant. Well, it is concurrently a lovely trait if I do say so myself and a flaw. I hope for the best. I believe in people. I take people at their word. I see what I want to see (the best, obviously) rather than what might actually exist (um, not the best). This leads me to make myself entirely at home in interactions that I envision will eventually be challenging. Meaning, I hunker down. I burrow in. I inch-worm the fuck outta them.
You still don’t get it? Well, when I want a situation to be far more positive than it might be, I will hang in through what it actually is (yucky) in the blind hope that it will eventually morph into what I wish it would be. A moment of introspection I recently experienced after a communication with a friend made this particular trait or tendency of mine extremely obvious. I felt so disappointed and then I quickly realized that my disappointment was less about the reality of the situation and more about my dashed hopes. I had come face to face with the “wants” I had created in my head and the space between that and actual reality was humongous. Epic.
I know, I know…this tends to fly in the face of the sentiments contained within the piece I wrote on managing expectations and staying neutral BUT it addresses a slightly different part of the issue. Even when we go to a place of zero expectations, there is a possibility that people will let us down or a situation will be, well, disagreeable, and we have to navigate through that experience. How do we respond in such a way that best protects us where we also have an opportunity to learn so we don’t repeat endlessly?
We take a step back. But we don’t really do that, do we? I mean we should. I should. I want to and yet I don’t. I do want to though and so that is going to be something that I work on. I am not referring to the pause I spoke about in earlier posts, though certainly a pause is useful here. Rather, this is the moment after in which you decide that as a matter of self-preservation it is best if you extract yourself from a situation. To further clarify, this is not self-handicapping or running. You are not bailing as a preemptive measure to avoid certain pain. You are recognizing that the continuance of your presence in the situation would bring nothing but harm. You are aware of the certainty of a thing and you are responding to that. Not the ‘pie in the sky’ possibility but the concrete reality.
I’m going to take a little detour here. I promise that I am going to come back to the aforementioned points but you will have to wait for it.
I read a book recently (shocker) where one of the main characters states the following: “We lose ourselves but we find our way back. You come back to yourself, again and again” (Jennifer Weiner. Mrs. Everything. Atria Books, June 11, 2019.). I view this as both inherently positive and negative. As previously stated, I will tie this thought back to where I started but you are going to have to bear with me for a moment.
I have often lost myself in the pursuit of what I think I want or what I have and want to maintain. That doesn’t mean I have ever fundamentally changed who I am because I haven’t. It means that I have diverged away from my true path. I have mindfully or mindlessly crept away from the journey that best serves me in some attempt to serve another person or me with another person. And yet, every time a relationship ends or starts to unravel, I find myself coming back to who I am. I am able to find myself buried underneath the rubble of unspoken sentiments and silent wants and wishes. See the negative and positive there? I’ve lost myself…boo hoo, but then I come back to me. You know what’s nice about this Groundhog Day scenario? My loop time is getting shorter. It really is. I mean it took 38 years, but still, better late than never, right?
Let’s go back to the beginning, which is the pause and the learning curve. I am here to tell you that there is a point in which they meet. That is nirvana my friends. It is. I am not there yet but you bet your ass I am striving to get there at some point in this lifetime. What do I mean by that? Well in that very moment that you would pause to contemplate your action, you are keenly aware of what will best serve you based on the life experiences you have had thus far. You can walk away, if need be, without deeply struggling with your decision to do so. That doesn’t mean the person won’t hurt you or impact you. Not at all. It simply means that you will be resolute in your decision. No waffling or waning. No regrets. The only experience you will have is decidedly putting one foot in front of the other and walking away from that which does not benefit your sweet self.
That sounds fabulous, right? But how do we get there? This is the same question we face with all of these challenges I suppose. And as with all of my analyses and responses, I will tell you that I am not an expert in these matters. I am just a human that is trying to get by. I have made a ton of mistakes and I am trying to figure this whole thing out as I go along. You’ve heard that tune before, right? Anyway, disclaimer over.
My thought process is as follows: you get there by taking the time and devoting the energy to digest what occurred in any given situation. That sounds pretty generic but I promise you it isn’t. I am going to give you a real time example of how I think this all works so you know exactly what I am talking about, okay? I am in a relationship and I find myself (more retrospective awareness, of course) caught in a cycle of cold behavior by my partner that triggers my solicitous nature, that then forces me to do all the things that will ideally make things as nice as can be. The coldness is not addressed, feelings are not shared…things are just made nice. That relationship ends, maybe nicely or catastrophically. I ask myself what I didn’t care for in the relationship. What did the other person do and what did I do? I don’t just say “oh well, we weren’t for each other” but I actually take a heartbeat and try to examine why things didn’t feel so grand. Then I experience a light bulb moment. Thus, next time I am in a relationship or friendship scenario and the coldness emerges, I can act in the pause in a way that better serves me and restrain myself from the behavior that doesn’t. Meaning I can address how uncomfortable the coldness makes me and if the person doesn’t acknowledge or respond or communicate, I can choose to close the door. I can avoid that ass kissing, can’t-we-all-just-make-nice moment that is so damaging to my psyche and heart and so misleading for the other person.
We all know that I might not do all of this the first go around. In actuality I might be tripping over myself trying to appropriately apply the lesson I had previously learned and fail at the first attempt. That is why it is called a learning curve. Room to move and grow, baby. So the first time I revert back to my go-to move and I hate the way it feels. Not the normal discomfort but the special kind of skin crawling and belly-aching that comes with self-awareness. I might be bold enough to address it after the fact and acknowledge my poor response or I might just handle myself better in the next interaction.
Not only does this process, this cycle, enable me to make better decisions, but it significantly shortens the time it takes me to travel back to me. On that note, I want to just say something quickly. Taking a bit of time away from who we are is not always detrimental. Sometimes we need that perspective to fine tune exactly who we really are and what we really want. You know the old axiom, right? Before you can decide what you really like and want, you need to sort out what you don’t like and don’t want. I think the objective is to be able to swiftly identify what doesn’t work for us and capitalize on what feels more authentic. Pure authenticity sounds delicious, but is that realistic? Probably not. If you meet someone who lives in a state of 100% authenticity at all times in all situations, please introduce me. I’m betting they also have the secret to everlasting life, avoiding wrinkles, and eating all the sweets and never gaining a pound. Maybe.
Don’t be afraid of the path. You will take steps in the wrong direction, you will backtrack, and you will take steps in the right direction. So long as your net-net is forward motion, you are good to go.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 