“Why is it that it’s only after an argument when I think of the awesome things I should have said? – from “The Mixed-Up Files of Tilly Adam’s Journal” (Jill Shalvis. Lost and Found Sisters. William Morrow Paperbacks, June 20, 2017.).
I warned you that I would likely quote this book again. I bet you didn’t think it would be so soon. Fooled you.
Anyway…you might not be a person who really gets this quote. I am. I am 100% without question this person. Picture this: I have a discussion and even if I’ve prepared and given great thought and mapped out my agenda, I seemingly lose my shit somewhere in the middle. Put me on a conference call at work and I’m golden. Throw me into an argument (at least historically) where I’m being bullied or manipulated and I’m a puddle. Get me after that argument and I’m an orator of epic proportions. I can tell you what I wish I had said, what I wanted to say, what I needed to express. What I can’t do is assure you that those things actually came out of my mouth when I was standing and facing the person I needed to say them to. I am changing so much and I’ve changed so much already, but man oh man have I “folded” in the past. I don’t know the root of this “playing dead” that I mastered over the years. I could speculate and tell you that there were some issues during my childhood, that I have a general aversion to drama, and no distaste for sacrificing my own needs for the sake of peace. I have dealt with some of this shit and dissected the bits that don’t benefit me and I have changed. However, I haven’t changed entirely (I am still a work in progress) and since the change that has occurred is not so distant, I can clearly speak to my feelings and experiences enough to share.
The truth is that in most arguments or interactions that have seemingly gone off the rails, there is that one precious moment where the awareness of the derailing is ever-present and the participants have the ability to basically freeze time. This is not a solution to whatever the grander issue is, nor is it always a well-received option. However, it provides a valuable opportunity to prevent immediate harm. That doesn’t happen though, or at least not in my experience. People don’t take a breath as I’ve suggested in other posts. Inevitably, one party uses this very moment as an opportunity to gain the upper hand. They capitalize on the chance to win, to prevail.
After the years I’ve spent on the planet thus far, I can often recognize this moment where the power shift is occurring in a disagreement. I have been presented with the perfect opening to acknowledge this sprint to the end, but I have rarely taken it. I haven’t spoken to my discomfort and I sure as shit haven’t walked away (as suggested in my previous post). Why, oh why, has it been impossible to open my damn mouth and articulate myself in the face of potential or actual discomfort? The answer comes in the form of two rather epic and equally fucked up paradigms.
On the one hand, I often take the blame for whatever the situation is and thus, I feel like shutting down the communication, no matter how unproductive, or “bailing” is irresponsible and unfair. Need an example? I have a friend who has been dismissive and distant. When I bring up this issue and try to address the behavior, I am made to feel crazy and overly sensitive. Instead of standing strong and using the pointed examples I’ve collected, resting at least some of the responsibility with my friend, I tell myself that I’ve picked a bad time to bring this up. They are undoubtedly tired, I AM sensitive, and my behavior is likely trying their last nerve. I’ve brought up the issue and exacerbated everything and if I just get quiet, I’ve annoyed them for nothing. Better to just take the abuse and drop the issue.
On the other hand, some demented part of me believes that if I hang in there and keep a rather sunny disposition, I might have the ability or opportunity to improve their mood, ease the tension, etc. You know, like I somehow fancy myself the operator of some sort of magical time machine. My cheeriness and positive vibes will transport me back to a previous interaction that might have just been wholly positive and pleasant.
These both sound rather insane on paper but in the moment they feel anything but nuts. Even when it becomes obvious that my efforts are futile, I persist. Just in case you are reading this with a smile on your face because of the utter familiarity, I want to reiterate that this is a terrible habit. I mean really the pits. Maybe I should have used the plural there…habits. However, I tend to think that these self-destructive acts can be defined in one condensed idea that I like to call fixing. I can fix this situation, I can fix a mood, and I can fix an interaction. I can fix anything if I put my mind to it. I don’t need to say that I am really thinking or feeling. I can read the mood of the situation, let the other person take the lead, and run from there. I don’t need to win or prevail or express. I can be the bigger person. Um, wha?!
Don’t get me wrong. If you and another human have decided to work on some issue together, I think that is lovely. That is not fixing. That is growth, evolution, commitment, etc. Fixing is a solitary, mostly selfish and often fruitless exercise.
How do we avoid fixing? We first recognize the pointlessness of the endeavor. We care about ourselves enough to accept that protecting our heart, dignity, and overall sense of self is more important than trying to prove something to the other person or the universe. We trust that what the universe has in store for us exists beyond the boundaries of the difficult situation we find ourselves entrenched in. We sort of just choose happier, better, and more peaceful.
When we say our peace in its fullness or recognize futility and walk away, we can gain valuable perspective. In the moment things feel catastrophic, life-changing, and all-encompassing. A brain dump or much needed time-out shows us drama, over-reactions, and even the feelings of unworthiness that a situation is provoking.
We just have to find trust in the universe that when we address something the way it deserves to be addressed or put space between us and something harmful, if it reboots, readjusts, grows us, and et cetera, then it is meant to be. Alternatively, if the person seizes the opportunity to exit, there is a decided reason for that. We may experience grief and fear and general sadness but at the end of the day, it is truly the best thing that could ever have happened. It is not always apparent that we have been delivered a blessing, but eventually that recognition comes. We should not strive for the afterthought awareness (I shoulda, coulda, woulda). We should aim for an in the moment burst of courage.
I want to be crystal clear that I am not advocating using any of this as a test for another human. I personally find that kind of game tiresome and disrespectful (to oneself, if not to others). Furthermore, the results of such a test would be suspect, at best. I am saying that when a situation is already manifesting, you can use it as an impetus to stand your ground, speak your truth, guard your heart, and understand in a very real way the person that is across from you.
The brilliant part is that if for any reason you’ve impulsively acted and/or stepped back where it is unwarranted or over-the-top, and you are actually dealing with a good soul on the other end of the equation, they will move in, move towards you, and help heal and fix. They will not be content with that interaction as your “end.” They will not relish victory at severe cost to you. At a minimum, they will respond positively to an overture made by you in an effort to “correct.”
People will disappoint you with their behavior. We can address it on the spot if the situation permits or we can step out and let breath and rationality permeate the space.
As I’ve already shared, what this looks like for me is that I can be honest and chill the fuck out instead of pushing, prodding, being solicitous, or fill in the blank, which 9.9 times out of 10 escalates the negative emotions of a situation.
You do you, but make sure that the you that you present to the world is filled with the thoughtful and measured behavior. Move away from destructive impulsivity and towards health and comfort. You can do it. So can I.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 