I think I can, I think I can…

A single girlfriend recently told me that she is tempted to give up on the whole dating business. She said she finds it infuriating, degrading, demeaning, and depressing. No, I am not making that up. She literally used those words. Having been “on the market” for some time now, I can tell you that I don’t disagree with her per se. In a world of bizarre standards, dick pics, ghosts, sociopaths, liars, and serial daters, it is hard to keep one’s chin up or feel hopeful. Moreover, it is challenging to not gravitate over to the bitter-tinged universe in which several of my friends and acquaintances currently reside (single and attached).

That said, there are two fundamental reasons why I don’t go to bleakness, as follows: I have a couple of shining examples of love in front of me that give me a sliver of hope and reassurance and I know for a fact that my world is complete without a relationship. I want to expand upon both of these points, but I want to start with the latter because I recognize that it sounds a little ‘rah-rah women, boo men, down with relationships’ and it is really not. At all.

I have no shame or reservation in telling you that I would love to meet someone. It would be lovely to have someone to spend time with, share experiences with, and love up and down. However, if that turns out to NOT be my destiny, I don’t believe my life will be in shambles. I have so much to be pleased with and grateful for that I am not worried that the lack of a romantic relationship will decimate me or make my life or contribution any less significant.

Okay, we got that out of the way, right? Well, maybe not. You may be one of those people that is wondering what will become of your life without a partner and my response feels flippant and dismissive. So, let me get just a leel more granular for you because you are worthy of a full life regardless of your relationship status. I know this to be factually true so I feel very comfortable uttering these words.

Relationships are wonderful. Even my shitty, god-awful, ruin-my-life-at-the-time relationships had spots of brightness in them. You must do some work (typically) to maintain a relationship, but you also get to reap the benefits of such like companionship, a physical connection, a confidant, et cetera. There is something unique about a romantic relationship whereas it doesn’t quite fill the same space as other relationships. That said, much of what you extrapolate out of a relationship you can mirror with other experiences such as fostering deep and abiding friendships with other humans and well, maybe some plastic toys. Yeah, sorry but it needed to be said. You want some lovin…do it to it. Also, whether horrifically sad or just bottom-line truth, you can often find a companion that is willing to foster a physical relationship sans emotional connection. So, if you can achieve emotional connections with other humans platonically and are looking for a supplement, I don’t imagine you would have to look too far and wide. Just a light word of caution (a lot of material in this statement, so I will revisit with a full post some other time) that most folks, women in particular, are incapable of fostering a physical relationship without the growth of some emotion(s). You might be capable of such but I feel the word of caution is a necessary thing here.

I can tell you from personal experience that you can eat at amazing restaurants, travel, go to plays or dances or whatever lights you up, read books, go to the beach, run races, attend sporting events and so on and so forth without being in a relationship. You can go with PLATONIC friends or you can even (I know, the horror) go BY YOURSELF. I quite like going to things by myself. I don’t have to attend to someone’s particular wants and needs and if my claustrophobic ass needs to leave a concert before the very end arrives, no bigs. I don’t want to start a debate here, but you can even be a parent by yourself. You really can. So please don’t tell me that your life is effectively a black hole because you aren’t a plus one. You ARE a plus one, just by being you. That’s not a motivational poster either; it’s just the damn truth.

Okay, let’s move onto my role models in relationships. I could go on and on about my parents, but I’m not sure anyone wants to hear that. I imagine you will tell me that they are from a different generation, it was easier then, and blah, blah. That’s actually not the case. I mean, they are from a different generation but they have had their tribulations and trials for sure. They work on their relationship to this day. They communicate, they grow together, and they remain committed to each other in a way that is really quite lovely.

I could also tell you about the adorable late 40s/early 50s couple at my gym that takes the spin bikes directly in front of me and tease each other for a good part of the class. I know for a fact that they have been married for over 20 years, have kids (that are now out of the house), and have to motivate each other to drag ass to the 6:30 am spin class on Saturday mornings. You would tell me that I have no idea what their inner relationship is like and sure, they are all good during spin but who knows WHAT goes on in that house, amiright?!  Yes, you are indeed correct. I don’t know them personally and so my observations are a combination of nosy overhearing and observing their adorable banter.

So, let me really point to a couple that I believe I know and know I love. I won’t mention their names for privacy purposes but I will give you a little bit of background. They are recently married and it isn’t their first marriage. They have children, a house, occupations, and obligations (aka stresses). They have similar and differing interests and personalities. What profoundly strikes me every time I am around them is the deep and abiding respect they have for each other, for their similarities and differences. What is apparent is their friendship and sense of comradery. I am not suggesting there is no romance, because it is clear that they fancy one another. I am championing the foundation that underlies their couple-ness. I am telling you that it is 100% clear that they love each other but that they also really like each other. I am sharing that it is obvious that they want the best for each other and want to bring out the very best in each other.  It isn’t goopy or annoying. It is lovely and it wraps everyone else around them in a cocoon of warm and fuzzy. Being around them creates a sort of calm because they are so at ease with each other. As a third wheel in dinners, lunches, brunches, and athletic events, I have never felt third wheel-ish. I have felt enveloped in this really wonderful aura that they give off. It isn’t bullshit and they don’t always have the easiest time with things, but that’s just the point, you know?

So what I am here telling you is that it isn’t possible for me to give up because this couple is the real deal. I mean so are my mom and dad and I actually believe so is that gym couple. I also think there are tons of others floating out in the universe. Their lives aren’t perfect. They have illness, stress, and copious other challenges that life floats in front of them. They might be presented from time to time with temptations of all sorts. The thing is, they choose each other, every time. They recognize the worth of what they have and they are inherently grateful for it. So yeah, I’m not looking for a perfect person. I am FAR from perfect. I just have this thought that there might be a friend out there for me. There might be this person who chooses me, or us, because it enriches their life in a way that makes it all worth it.

It is true that I might never meet that person. There might be that perfect imperfect guy out there somewhere and I just haven’t had the opportunity to happenstance upon him and I might never. BUT I still won’t feel hopeless and I also won’t feel like my life has a gaping hole. I don’t intend to put anything on hold waiting or searching for my person. Rather, I am going to enjoy the hell out of the life I have and hope that the universe creates the right situation for the delivery of that person.

Don’t get me wrong. I AM putting myself out there. I will online date and be introduced and take risks and chances. I will keep my heart and mind open and utter “hey, you never know” way more than once. What I won’t do is dedicate the entirety of my life to this search. I will not feel embarrassed telling people I am 38 and single and no, I’ve never been married. I will not feel that somehow my existence is smaller than those that I know who have been married and had kids or own a home together.

I want to tell you that I have my days. I really do. Some of the people (one in particular) closest to me know that I have days of deep and resilient frustration. I throw my hands up and look to the skies and wonder what I must have done in a past life to warrant this level of nonsense. I struggle with being “cool” and disconnected with potential dates or suitors. I lose patience with the game that typically ensues during today’s courtship (if you could even call it that—I mean, let’s not). I question my sense of self and my attractiveness and my appeal to the opposite sex. I question whether there are any normal single men in the tri-state area that I would truly vibe with and whether they would in turn, vibe with me. I give up and then I rally and jump back in again.

No matter what, I always come back to those two solid thoughts and feelings. Let me remind you. One, my life is whole as it is on every level and I am lucky to have such abundance.  Two, good relationships and good people do truly exist.

I give you permission to steal my two things. Even if you don’t believe them now, maybe you will one day. Maybe right now you can just repeat them like a mantra until they feel more true to you?  You can do it, I know you can.

Until the next…

L.