I don’t know if I should be embarrassed to quote yet another book or concerned that I am becoming predictable, but neither emotion is particularly compelling if I’m honest. What is embarrassing is that I posted out of order. Yup. That’s right. I guess I am just blessed/plagued by an endless supply of thoughts that I feel compelled to share. Sometimes I get excited about one particular topic and in this case, I mixed up my references. In a previous post (“Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda…”), I advised that I was sharing again from a book that I don’t believe I’ve shared with you yet. THIS is the post where I introduce the book I am referring to.
When I concocted this post, I was wrapping up a fun summer read, a palate cleanser if you will. Don’t get me wrong, as I am not criticizing the book at all. It was the perfect anecdote to the heaviness that sometimes accompanies the completion of an intense piece of literature and thus, it was a total delight.
One of the main characters in the book is a teenager who is unquestionably witty and rather insightful in her biting sarcasm. Clearly I found her words enjoyable and memorable, as I’ve quoted them already. I can tell you that this one I’m about to share was my favorite of the lot. Chapter 16 of this charming little tale is introduced with the following excerpt from Tilly Adam’s journal: “Are you there, God? It’s me, what the actual fuck?” (Jill Shalvis. Lost and Found Sisters. William Morrow Paperbacks, June 20, 2017.).
I will start with an apology because we all know I love a good admission of guilt. I am deeply sorry if you are religious and that quote offends you. Furthermore, I am sorry if you are NOT religious or even an atheist and that quote baffles or upsets you. Last, but not least, I am sorry if you find my sprinkling of profanity offensive. I mean, let’s get real, that last apology was half-hearted at best. I’ve tried to dial it down a little but sometimes I just need a good spot of profanity to get my point across. It is not that I am using those words for the shock factor, but rather that I am freely expressing my emotions without a filter or censorship.
Mkay, gratuitous apologies dunzo.
I am not going to get into my religious preferences here, but needless to say, I believe in a higher power of some sort. For the sake of this post, let’s move away from the God reference and let’s use the universe. Again, not disparaging religion here, but I think it’s more appropriate for what I am looking to convey.
I’m sure you’ve heard various and sundry phrases that try to explain or justify why you might be getting pummeled or tested by the universe. Come on, don’t try and pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. “We are only dealt with as much as we can handle.” “Bad things come in threes.” “Sometimes bad things happen to good people.” Blah Blah Blah. If you didn’t know what I was talking about before, I feel comfortable that you now have a solid understanding. While these cutesy and heartfelt sentiments may seem profound and comforting to some, I’m more on the “what the actual fuck?” side of the fence. Meaning, you will hear me muttering any one of the following: “haven’t I been through enough?” “why does the universe KEEP testing me?” “haven’t I paid my dues at this point?” “I must have been a cockroach or a serial killer in a past life.” THAT is more my M.O. and not “when terrible things happen to good people, the best thing to do is try and extract the positive.”
I consider myself to be wholly rational despite some questionable relationship choices that might lead to a debate on that point. Thus, I seek the sensibility in things that happen. I want to understand. I crave the comfort that comes with the “oh, that makes sense now” moments. Epic breakup that takes me to my knees? Cool. I wasn’t meant to be with that person and I had to learn a lot about myself and my behavior. A little kick in the teeth at work? Right. I need to learn how to articulate my needs in a professional setting. Having no let-up? Not meeting someone I can click with who is also “normal”? Finding myself in the proverbial gerbil wheel? WHHHYYY? What in the actual fuck?!
I have my flaws, faults, and areas that need work. However, overall I’m a good person, or at least I try to be. Why am I incapable of getting closer to what I want in any arena? I’ve even tried that manifesting shit. Sorry. I know. People love manifesting. It’s never been my thing, but still, I’ve tried it with an open mind and heart. I’ve told the universe how I’ve changed and I’ve shared how I see my life unfolding in the most ideal fashion. Nada.
I know that there are still a few issues on my end of things. I know that I need to be bolder and put myself out there a little bit more when it comes to my professional and personal goals. That aside, I can’t seem to wade out of the sludge fast enough. I don’t even have the opportunity to show the universe what I’m made of, outside of a rather impressive steel resolve forged by sheer determination and necessity. In other words, I’ve shown the universe I can survive this shit. Survival cannot be the goal, right? I mean sometimes it has to be but that can’t be the end all be all. There has to be something else sparkly in there, no? Like here’s a shitty rain cloud but would you LOOK AT THAT SILVER LINING?!
I am here to tell you that there is not always a silver lining. I mean there is, but it isn’t always sparkly and it doesn’t make things seem ‘okay.’ What I do know is that even though it SUCKS, and it does, there is probably good reason for it all. Like it can all seem utterly relentless and unfair but there is a lesson buried in there somewhere. Let me use myself as an example (what else is new?). I can’t seem to connect with someone who is for me and normal and all that jazz. Maybe I’m not actually ready. Maybe that path isn’t meant for me. Maybe I’m meant to find gratitude in everything else that the universe has blessed me with? I know that sounds hokey as hell but it could be true. It really could.
Here is the real challenge though: I may never know why. Even if things turn around, I may never get the official ‘ah-ha’ moment. Therefore, I have a choice to make. I can be unbearably bitter at what appears to be many “what in the actual fuck” moments OR I can appreciate what I have and have faith that things work out just as they should. The appreciation option looks beautiful in a motivational gif but is less endearing if you are in pain. However, I’m going to share a secret that may or may not help you. The latter option, the faith route, is actually less painful. Sure, I could be angry and cut myself off from the world and disconnect and rail but I am definitely hurting me more than anyone else. Also, self-hatred is likely not on any decent person’s list of “what I am seeking in a life partner.” You can actually have your moments of throwing your hands in the air or sniffling to your mama (or is that just me?), but they should be followed by an immediate getting one’s shit together. You know…putting on your adult pants and seeing all the good stuff you have available to you and in your life. Don’t tell me you have nothing. If you have nothing else at all, you have your life, and that’s something pretty fantastic. The real message here? It’s your choice.
I cannot control what happens to me, but I can control my response to what happens to me. I can’t tell you that if you’ve been through enough crap, things are going to look up. I can tell you that you have one life to live and you can spend it pining after what you don’t have or wondering why the universe is punishing you or you can flip a switch. I am not suggesting that is an easy task but you have to start by making the choice. That is truly the most difficult part of the endeavor. Once you are resolute in your decision to see things more positively, you have a more solid chance at moving the mountain.
But yeah, feel free to explore “what in the actual fuck?” Scream it, sing it, laugh about it, cry about it. Look up to the sky and raise your hands in a real Rocky moment. Rock out to some Cardi B. Do it all. But then say to yourself “eh, who the fuck knows?” And then “who the fuck cares?” And then “wow, I am so alive.”
Yeah, that’s all.
Until the next…
L.
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