“S/he doesn’t owe me/you anything.” Does that expression sound familiar to you? I don’t mean to ask if you’ve heard it once in your life or if you can phonetically string together the letters and words to extrapolate the meaning. I am referring to a pervasive sentiment, one that you might hear [or utter] often. Where I am concerned, this sentence is like that gnat that you hear buzzing in your ear or around your face but you can’t see to truly swat it away. It is the piece of hair on your face or arm, or in your eye, that you just can’t seem to get a hold of and so it lingers, bothersome and relentless.
I recognize that I often make disclaimers or disclosures in my posts and while I intend to do that here, the verbiage and tone might be a little different than you are accustomed to from me. I am not bitter. I did not suddenly turn dark and stormy and hopeless overnight. I don’t think all people are jerks and I don’t think the worst of people. However, I am angry. I am disappointed. I am sad. I am sidetracked. Thus, my words and thoughts should be accepted in that context. I ask that you please be cognizant of my high level of emotions and permit me the handicap that accompanies such a state of mind. That said, I think that’s enough of that, no?
In addition to the “owing” statement, I have been told on several occasions that I am too sensitive, high strung, intense, and serious. I’ve been told to lighten up, chill out, step back, gain perspective, and give people a break. I’ve been given long and dramatic looks of pity, exasperation, and confusion. I’ve had explained to me that the world we are living in is one that operates on a different social spectrum and ultimately I will be forced to join in or step out. Buy in or suffer. The problem is that joining in makes me feel like I’ve resigned myself to something that doesn’t sit well with me, much like a bad case of indigestion. Alternatively, stepping out makes me feel like no one “gets” me or is like me and I am destined to be lonely, even when arguably surrounded by many of my fellow humans. So yeah, this is basically a no win situation for me.
Right about now you might be wondering what I am talking about or how paragraph one and three actually connect into a cohesive thought. Let me see what I can do to restore your faith in me and my ability to put a good ramble back on track.
I kind of want someone to be excited to talk to me and see me. This includes friends and family, but for the sake of this particular post, I am focused on romantic connectivity. I don’t need someone to want to talk to me all the time or want to see me all the time. I just want it to be something that is generally expressed and felt. Where I am concerned, the bar is fairly low and yet I seem to hover just below that mark on the regular. I know, I know, this post connects to so many other pieces that I’ve written (i.e. giving credit, ghosting, etc.) but it has its own life blood and for that reason, warrants a separate stream of consciousness rant.
What I don’t want is for someone to do something because they “owe” me anything. I don’t want them to contact me or make plans with me propelled by some misguided sentiment. If someone says they are going to call and then they don’t, I don’t think that they’ve “fallen down on the job.” That goes for someone I’ve dated for years or a co-worker or a family member. Wellll, maybe a little different for a co-worker, depending on the nature of our interaction. The bottom line is that I want that person, whomever it is, to pick up the phone to text or call because they are thinking about me and want to hear my voice or connect in some way.
This technologically hyped world we live in tends to push the needle in both directions. It is easier for us to rapidly communicate with many people all at once and thus, we often are left scratching our heads when one person doesn’t respond to us or when they say they are going to touch base and fail to. We all know it takes ten seconds to respond to a text message or to send a text message, so it boggles the mind when that text message never comes through. Don’t get me wrong as I have definitely been the person that has set aside a text to respond to at a later time and then had that very notion slip right outta my thick skull. However, I do always at some point, circle back to admit to that ignored soul that I’ve screwed up. I offer my most sincere apologies and fall on my sword in the most grandiose way the universe will allow. The thing is, I rarely do it when I’m super lit up to talk to someone. That is not to say that I ignore my regular peoples. Not at all. I just mean there is a certain excitement in that interaction with a romantic prospect when you have plans or have discussed speaking, which would make it altogether less likely that I would neglect typing out a response. My response might be brief, but a response it will be. I’ve even been known to send across the wire the following message: “hey, I didn’t want to ignore you but I can’t get to this right now. I’ll touch base later/tomorrow/end of the week/when shit calms down.” At the end of the day, I want that certain someone to know I care. I am not afraid to acknowledge my happy vibrations.
Here’s what I’ve learned though and this is a real fucking buzzkill so be prepared to maybe get a lil tweaked. People forget about people because life is distracting, people neglect people because they are entertaining many, many people at once, and people (oh, the horror) deliberately wait to respond or reach out to someone because they don’t want to let on that they care. You know, the game. A game.
It is oh so hard for me to accept that this situation exists because none of that is reality for me outside of the aforementioned scenarios which I tend to fix with many I’m sorry-s and charming and very relevant memes (picture crying baby faces). Like wait a second, you FORGOT about me? You decided to DELIBERATELY put some space between your communications? Don’t get me wrong as I am not suggesting that I am a gift to this planet and thus reeling at the possibility that I am forgettable. I am stating that if someone is actually interested in me, I’m not sure how I could be so easily discarded or played with.
I have to admit at this juncture that there is a part of me (again with that credit) that will make excuses for someone before I fully absorb that they just aren’t that into me or that there are red flags galore in the situation. This is not because I think I am that amazing but because I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt or hope upon hope when I enjoy someone. So, my inner dialogue will ramble on about their incredibly stressful job, the potential hurt that they’ve suffered that would prevent them from putting themselves out there, etc. It’s actually kind of insane. I’m trying to change, but it is a snail like process that requires a good deal of my time and focus. To help baby step my way there, I mantra the shit out of the following “if someone wants to know you, you will know it.” That’s not bs either as it is something I really believe. I do. I don’t always hold the sentiment close to my heart and I allow other less true thoughts to take control but I still truly believe it with everything in my soul.
What if someone just plain old forgets about you? Will that change when you get to know each other better? Maybe or maybe you will always find yourself wanting. What is someone is too busy playing the field to adequately provide attention to each person in their orbit? Does that mean you will forever be dancing around in the hopes to edge out the competition? What if someone is playing some fucked up control game when it comes to your communication. Does that pattern eventually transition to anything that resembles good health?
Let’s go back to where I started. I am high strung, have high standards, and I’m uptight. Am I? Do I? Maybe. Even if that is totally true, some of that is fundamentally who I am as a human. That means that I have to on some level find a relationship, a paradigm that fits into that mold. Maybe that means I will always be alone or maybe that means it will just take me a little longer to find the right person. It does without question mean that someone who plays the field a ton or deliberately plays games (or both) will likely not be a good fit for me. I will find myself feeling neurotic, insecure, and generally unhappy.
I could lament over how the type of person or personality I am seeking is a rarity in this world we live in. I could beat myself up (oh, and I have) for being the way that I am and for wanting what I want. Or I can slowly come to a place of acceptance and find myself a little bottom line and a big backbone. I would like a guy who sometimes likes to talk on the phone. I get a thrill out of someone who texts to say they are busy and will be in touch when the world slows down. I live for people who do what they say they are going to do, every damn time. More importantly, if they don’t abide by a promise or a representation they’ve made, they acknowledge it and we can move through it.
As I already clearly stated, I don’t need someone to talk to me ten times a day. I don’t need social media attention or plans three times a week. I need and want honesty and integrity. I need and want someone who does what they say they are going to or finds the most acceptable work around that’s available. If someone in unresponsive or off the radar, I want a sense as to why that is happening. Where I am concerned, knowledge is power. Someone is struggling internally and advises that they need some “me” time? Cool. Totally MIA and left me wondering what the fuck I did. Not cool.
So yeah, I’m pissed. I expect more from people. I could ponder how people don’t owe me anything. I can explore different ways to lower my standards. OR I can just accept that I am a little more old fashioned when it comes to this earth I walk on and my journey is going to be a little bit longer and maybe a lotta bit harder. Some days suck but generally, I’m okay with all of that.
What about you?
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 