I recently took my first manual transmission driving lesson. I was a bit scared but mostly excited. The first part of my lesson was the instructor walking me through the basics, including what common mistakes are made by folks newly acquiring this somewhat outdated skill. He explained that people often forget how to drive. It took me a minute to process this fact. People who know how to drive get into a car and forget how to drive? What?! If you already know how to drive, isn’t the actual driving part intuitive? Pretty bizarre concept to imagine forgetting that bit altogether.
And then it hit me. Yes, that’s exactly what happens. When faced with the addition of the clutch and the shift, logic and finely-tuned skills get tossed straight out the window. One is so focused on the added bits that the instinctual part of the equation seems to vanish.
The same can be said for those lessons that are learned in the ordinary course of relationships. Actually, the same can be said for how we conduct ourselves in relationships generally or in the pursuit of a relationship. Both of these points are meaningful to me so I’d like to explore both if you’ll allow me the indulgence. I guess you don’t have a choice unless you stop reading here. Give it a chance though, okay?
All of my relationships have been learning experiences. I mean every single last one. The lessons I learned were often painful, usually recognized in retrospect or reflection, and were sometimes very begrudgingly accepted as the truth. All that said, there is no question that the schooling itself did indeed occur. What is probably the most disconcerting thought is that some of the lessons I learned required a bit of a Groundhog Day experience. That is to say that I had to be ripped to shreds and I had to hit close to the bottom on more than one occasion to realize that I was indeed making the same mistakes that I had previously made.
Although there are several reasons why this phenomena exists, I feel comfortable telling you that it is mostly what I described above. When I was faced with a different person, at a different age, in a foreign atmosphere, I struggled to apply the wisdom I had previously gained. As usual, this probably all sounds very esoteric and requires a good ol’ example so you know what I am really talking about.
When I was in my early 20s I was in a relationship with a drug addict. I’m not proud of that fact, nor am I ashamed. I was incredibly naïve and by the time I had figured out what was going on, I was in too deep to auto-correct. Outside of the myriad issues that existed in that relationship, which I will surely delve into another time (or two), he and I were on a different track with respect to the nature of our relationship and I was extraordinarily quiet about that fact. The few and I mean few times that I tried to address the issue and point out our wildly varying feelings and sentiments, he invited me to leave. When I write those words I feel a little nauseous doing so but it is the real truth and I’ve always promised just that. I am not embarrassed to tell you that I did not leave. As you might have guessed given my explained patterns, I threw myself further into the relationship. I gave everything I had in the hopes that I could somehow change his mind or maybe even change mine over time. I blamed his lack of commitment on his addiction. I even thought I could encourage him to combat his addiction. Logical, right? Spend more time, fall deeper in love, and disconnect further?! As you might have guessed, the relationship ended rather spectacularly and I was able to see after the fact all the ways in which I compromised my wants and needs.
Fast forward two years and then another four to five years and I found myself in the same situation again and again. Over the years I had grown and changed (personally and professionally) and the partners I had picked were certainly different in habits, background, profession, and life experience. Thus, every time I faced the realization that I was with someone who wanted something different out of our relationship and/or life, I approached the situation anew. Don’t get me wrong as I am not suggesting you should presume that every person and situation are the same. To the contrary, every situation is wildly different than another but there are common factors and facts to consider. There are some bottom line standards and realities that simply must be respected and adhered to no matter the person across the table from you. Everyone’s bar is different so you have to find your own but I can tell you that for me I need to make sure there is some modicum (more than less) of equanimity in my relationship. We might not always feel the same or see the world the same way, but I want, I need to be with someone that is on the same page as me when it comes to where we are going or at least where we ideally want things to end up. It did actually take me three to five tries/heartbreaks to hold steadfast to that notion in the face of any sort of newness. I often found myself giving someone the benefit of the doubt for fear I was using too broad of a brush. Giving someone a little leeway isn’t such a bad thing, but one shouldn’t ignore the red flags wildly waving in their face.
This is clear though, right? I knew what I wanted and needed but as soon as the scenery was changed on me, the picture became a little blurry. I found myself confused and unsteady and wholly unwilling to act on instinct. I stopped trusting my gut and instead, accepted that any new situation would somehow be different, unique. Anyway, I think you get my point, so onto the next.
I am a socially awkward person. It has taken me 38 years (almost 39) to admit this to myself but it is the honest truth. When I tell friends that I am not sure about a person I’ve been speaking to, they will always tell me to try a date, have a fun night out even if it doesn’t end up working out. This is an entirely foreign concept for me. I love and I mean LOVE going out with my friends or people with whom I am familiar. Put me in front of someone(s) new and I veritably fall to pieces. I am not just referring to a little case of the nerves. I am actually uncomfortable. I stumble over my words and my face gets really warm and I feel like I say all the wrong things. I am not charming and easy going. I am sweaty and anxious. Once or twice I’ve stumbled upon someone that puts me completely at ease but those folks are far and few between.
Once I’ve had the opportunity to speak with someone a few times and I have gotten to a certain level of comfort, I find myself more natural in their presence (whatever that means for me). Therefore, you would think I could apply this practiced ease in new situations to avoid that bumpy start. Nope. Again, new people and new surroundings, and everything I know or feel flies straight out the window. In the moment I am incapable of chilling the fuck out. That is why the prospect of dating is less than thrilling for me whereas others love everything about it. For me it is akin to going on a first job interview over and over again. That might not resonate with you either as you might be wholly in your own skin no matter the situation. Sadly, I am not.
Unlike some of the lessons I’ve learned in my relationships, I find it nearly impossible to remember “how to drive” when I am sitting across the table or bar from someone new. That is why it is so frustrating when I meet someone I click with and they disappear. It feels like I’ve run a race splendidly and thrown a cramp just before the finish line. Just as I am patting myself on the back for being able to breathe and talk and act “normal”, the person vanishes and I am left to start over again. I am not more practiced or smooth because of my experiences. I am hopelessly doggy paddling in the shallow end and gulping as I drift closer to deeper waters.
These two experiences are different in the way they feel and the results, but the underlying issue is the same. Therefore I have to ask myself what, if anything, I can do in order to overcome this burden. How do I sit in that mostly-the-same seat and remember exactly how to navigate in the face of new and distracting elements? Well, I can be thoughtful in my actions and behavior. In the fast-paced world we live in, it is easy to move a million miles per hour. That isn’t even my nature and I find myself caught up in that universal current. Meet someone online, chat for just a heart beat on the app, exchange a text message or two, meet, and move on. There is nothing wrong with meeting face to face and seeing if there is an attraction and/or sense of interest there, but there is also nothing wrong with taking a moment to explore whether talking to that person is even an inviting prospect. If someone is not apt to take a breath to let the relationship unfurl a little slower, then perhaps that is not the right person.
Of course, this is easier said than done. There is a good deal of disappointment when we move forward in a way that best suits and protects us and the other person bails. However, there has to be some internal mechanism that accepts that the person on the other end of that is just not the right fit. There has to be an awareness that this is where the driving skills matter most. Rather than squeezing into a situation that isn’t a good fit, we recognize that as the lesson. It is brutal. It can be disappointing and frustrating as hell, but it is ultimately the best possible outcome.
Feel the twinge in the heart and the little kick to the ego and recognize it as growing pains, not the sharp discomfort that accompanies regret. My mind will often go to a place where I gravitate towards what is familiar to me which is inequity, chasing, begging, and insecurity. Thankfully my heart now craves something more substantial and rewarding and its beat is louder and more compelling. I mope a little, pick myself up, dust myself off, and move forward as best I can.
I am going to sometimes stall as that is just the way these things work, but overall my eyes are firmly on the road and the intention is to roll forwards and not back. I certainly don’t want to stay forever paused in neutral for the long haul.
Which direction do you care to go in? The choice is yours, you know.
Until the next…
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