We rewrite history. Humans, I mean. Sometimes this is a purposeful action on our part, an act of self-preservation or such. Sometimes this is something that occurs inadvertently and almost unknowingly for the same reason. For me this fact is simultaneously brilliant and terrifying. There is something magical about our minds that enables us to move facts around in our heads such that they are less than factual as a way to make the pieces fit together more peaceably or comfortably. And yet. And yet, there is something horrifying in the notion that we can reconfigure the past to better suit our needs, wants, and desires.
Before this turns into some accusatory blame game, I want to be clear that I’ve done this, and while I’m not trying to throw anyone under a bus or anything of the sort, I imagine you have too. The thing is that rewriting can range from the benign to the holy shit. I want to provide personal examples but it doesn’t hurt to first share some examples of this phenomena that I’ve witnessed or heard about before I get to my personal failures in the category of accepting things as they were.
Less harmful examples? S/he made the first move. I made these brownies from scratch. I was totally sober that night. I’ve always liked her/him. More bat shit crazy examples? I wasn’t really married in the traditional sense. I left my job on my own volition, def not fired. You get it, right? These are lies but they are a different kind of lie. They still swim around in the lying bucket but they involve a technique that makes them a bit more dangerous than a good ol’ traditional fib. What, you ask? Well, that little itty bitty bit of truth that infused into the lie. Yup. That’s the rewriting part. It is not a denouncing of something altogether. It is not a refusal to admit to any part of a situation. It is an acceptance of some part (big or small) and then a modification of the rest.
In addition to the severity of the rewrite, reconfigured tales come in various shapes and sizes. Meaning, there are some tales that are twisted to suit the audience, some that come in the form of images (versus words—think social media), and some that continue to morph over time.
This might start to get a little confusing but while what I am referring to here might involve romanticizing a past relationship that is not at the crux of this issue. This is not about the tales we tell ourselves to talk ourselves in and out of something. This is not about telling yourself what an awesome fucking boyfriend your guy was after he broke up with you when everyone knows he was a total dick (including you). We do this too and yes, that is also a rewrite, but I am still talking about something a little different.
I am referring to a situation where we are too scared, too embarrassed, or too fearful to really own how things actually occurred. The solution? Make them be what feels easier to digest. That sounds pretty harmless, right? I mean I’ve already told you that there are different levels of harm involved in this scheme but OVERALL it sounds not so bad. Oh, but it is and for all the reasons you might be thinking and then a whole bunch that might never cross your mind.
I will start with the most important reason or at least the one that is most meaningful to me, which is that rewriting history is a form of denial. And yeah, denial doesn’t allow us to truly process any emotional experience we are sitting in front of at any given moment. Not only are we blocked from moving through the emotions of a situation but we are avoiding any sort of accountability and you KNOW how I feel about that. It’s all well and good to tell people your boss is an asshole and that is why you had to leave your job. Maybe s/he is but maybe you were fired because you were given a directive that you disregarded on multiple occasions. Here is where the rubber really meets the road (pay attention now, please): these two realities can occur simultaneously. Not the quitting and firing part. I mean I suppose that could happen, but that’s not what I mean. You can have an asshole boss that makes you want to quit and also do dumb, insubordinate things that get you canned before you have the opportunity to do anything about it.
So yes, you can definitely rejigger things and tell the world that your boss led to you leaving your job. In some parallel reality there is some modicum of truth to that statement. OR you can put your adult pants on and realize that while you may have been a poorly treated, disgruntled employee, they got this one on you. Furthermore, there are things you need to learn such that you don’t make the same mistakes in a place of business where you would actually enjoy any sort of longevity.
Saying you wanted to leave or were going to leave is not the same as getting fired. Similarly, saying you are going to break up with someone or change your interaction with a person is not the same as peacefully accepting the ending of your relationship [thanks to THEM, not you].
The signs are there. Just like humans are mostly self-protective creatures, even when our particular expression of this doesn’t serve us, we are also aware beings. That level of awareness is a broad tarmac as is our ability and/or willingness to tap into it but it is there. However, the use of denial and a good rewrite are such powerful forces that are true conscious selves don’t stand a chance.
This is what it looks like: I know that a guy I’ve worked with historically is a charmer but ultimately a nightmare when it comes to collaboration. He is driven but tends to “throw in the towel” too easily and is generally found to be radically unfocused. I allow myself to be enchanted by him. I tell myself that the previous interaction I had with him was colored by others opinions and personal nonsense happening in my life at the time. I rewrite rather spectacularly. I make it better. I make it easier. I make it nicer.
You know what really stinks about that experience? Nine times out of ten, we eventually get back to the truth and that eventual acceptance feels like garbage. I mean total garbage. Rather than the original acceptance or appropriate processing of the thing, we have floated in the disconnected world of alternate reality. Thus, the crash landing through our original understanding and then the new realization is profound. It is painful and super frustrating.
I know this all sounds pretty out there so I’m going to do what I normally do and I’m going to bring all of this back down to earth. That guy I was talking about above, when I allow myself to finally remember his true state (disorganized, destructive, etc.) it is already too late in some respect. The damage has been done. I end up beating myself up for pretending like he was different than I actually knew him to be. Beyond that, he has by that time unleashed the full extent on his destruction on many. So, I am angry with myself, regretful for being permissive and naïve, and on top of all of that goodness, I am stuck cleaning up the mess that was made. I have double the work because I need to fix all that is broken. I had a chance to be proactive and instead, I chose the worst form of reactive. I had built him up to be “different,” the shit hit the proverbial fan, and now comes the scrambling to pick up all the messy pieces. Terrible.
Remember that this process of rewriting that I am speaking of does not just involve inner dialogue. So what had I done? I had vouched for him with others. I had his back. I advised others of the err of their ways in judging him so swiftly. Yup. So not only do I have to clean up the damage in my little corner of the universe but given that my bullshit might have at least indirectly contributed to his reign of terror, I am forced to at least partially own the messes he left elsewhere.
I’ve given you the “bad news” so what now? How do we shift this paradigm? This blog is not a spot to just vent but a place that I hope offers insight and guidance. I can’t say I have this thing down but I am trying like hell right now which is why this whole process is front of mind.
We need to go through a process that I’ve recommended in other posts, cementing. We need to ponder the worst possible result of NOT rewriting history and determine the ultimate harm. Here’s the thing, I feel very confident in telling you that no matter how shitty things are, they are always worse if bullshit is involved. If you’ve renegotiated the truth, things have gotten ugly already.
You were fired? That sucks but people are fired all the time. Your energy is better spent in learning whatever lessons you might need to learn and looking for a new job, rather than pretending like it never happened. You were broken up with? Shitty but that’s okay. It happens to the best of us and here is your chance to find yourself and/or find something that truly works for you. You are actually married and not yet divorced but you are working on it? Be patient. Good things come to those who wait and things happen for a reason. You are going through an emotional trauma no matter the details of your marriage and it better serves to you take one little step at a time.
You can rewrite history. I have. I’ve created a “me” that is more plugged-in, braver, sharper, and more loving to myself and others. However, that technique has never gotten me anywhere outside of treading water with the best of ‘em. As you might imagine, treading water makes a person quite tired and you don’t actually go anywhere. You literally stay in place while using every bit of energy you have to stay afloat.
I hope I don’t have to say this but in case it helps to hear it, I am not coming from a place of judgment. I’ve been there, I’ve done this. I am coming from a newly found place of self-love. It’s a tenuous thread of connection but it’s there. Spidery and fragile but fighting to remain. Own your story in exactly the way it exists. You can make less important the bits that pain you but making less doesn’t mean eradicating or changing. It simply means a part of your narrative can fade a little further into the background. You don’t have to be defined by something that happened to you. It can just be a part of who you are.
Take a look at yourself and your last few days, months, and years. Have you rewritten any stories? Did those rewrites serve you or hurt you? You don’t have to tell me. Just ask yourself. If the answer is hurt, then try something different. That’s all I’m suggesting. If the answer is that it served you, message me pronto. I also want to know the secret to ever-lasting life.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 