I was recounting my latest dating app debacle to a good friend yesterday. Although the story is not all that captivating, I will relay some of it here for the purpose of context. Before I get to that it seems entirely necessary to mention that the friend I was chatting with is going through a traumatic separation. I will not relay any of those gory details so as to protect her privacy but needless to say, she is feeling very lost and fairly hopeless at present. Why, might you ask, am I sharing my dating woes with her? Well, she’s one of my closest friends and has asked to be kept “in the loop.” More pertinently, the tales related to my dating seem to err on the side of humorous so they are often good for a laugh.
I had only been speaking to this gentleman for a few days and true to form, I was prodding him with the basic boring questions one asks when getting to know someone in a digital forum. You know, what you do for work, what you do for fun, etc. Not terribly original I know but standard and for that reason, these queries typically allow for a steady exchange of the information that one needs to build an understanding of another human. I say this with a modicum of sarcasm because these questions really tell you nothing substantive about another person, but they get some of the major stuff out of the way. That’s to say if someone is a stripper or has fathered seven illegitimate children that information usually creeps out following a disclaimer of some sort (i.e. I feel like I should tell you something before we continue…). I am not using those examples in a judgmental way, but merely trying to provide color in a very colorful fashion. Good? Good.
When I asked this individual what he enjoys doing outside of work, he quickly (and I mean QUICKLY) sent me a rather lengthy paragraph laden with descriptions of activities and accompanying emojis. When I commended him on his rather superhero like typing skills, he apologized in a very half-ass way and shared with me that he cut and pasted that paragraph from notes on his phone. Um, what?
I want to start with a little accountability here and share that I am well aware that my question was boring as fuck. I mean, really. BORING. That said, I still wanted an original answer. I care less for the thoroughness of a response (feel free to forget one of your many activities) and more for the thought and effort. Again, let’s get on the same page here and understand that I am not looking for someone to spend a day and a half crafting the perfect eloquent response to such a predictable and snooze-worthy question. I am merely suggesting that I would have loved if he was plugged-in enough to our conversation to warrant an original answer and not a copy/paste job. This next thought is not the purpose of this post so I don’t intend to dwell but I did get a chuckle thinking how that exchange would play out in person. I ask what he likes to do in his free time and he whips his phone out and begins to read?!
I share this story with my friend and tell her that I am not necessarily surprised and I am definitely not hurt (don’t know this guy from Adam), and I don’t even know if I’m disappointed. I just feel a little meh. That’s right. Just like meh. If someone can’t muster the energy to concoct original answers to a text exchange, what hope do I have of actually wanting to further the connection with anyone? She responds rather emotionally (reminder: see above for her current mental state). She tells me that it sounds hopeless and she is dreading reentering the dating scene and asks me why good things happen to shitty people and not decent people who are trying really hard.
Whoa.
I have little idea how to respond to this outburst of sorts because even though I was very meh about the whole thing and my instinct would be to reiterate that sentiment, I want to be sensitive to what she is experiencing at that very moment. I want to be able to acknowledge the fact that her gloomy outlook and general despair has less to do with my dating failures and more to do with her broken heart.
I’m not going to get into a whole diatribe on gratitude because god knows I’ve done it before and sometimes tact rules the day. Rather, I am going to put the smallest bit of stock in what she said to explore it on its face. Does the universe work such that some people get all the good shit and the rest get all the bad? Are some meant to struggle and others meant to coast?
You know that I’ve often preached about not judging a person or situation based on what might be their finely crafted narrative or highlight real. The grass is always greener and we truly have no idea what another person’s life is like, walking in their shoes or not. That aside, I generally think that most of us get some good and some shit. There are different combinations and patterns of this good and shit and certainly, it seems like some get the lion’s share of either but overall, I think there’s some “normal” distribution. I am not talking about socio-economic status, opportunities, etc. I believe that our “system” fucks people left and right in that regard. I am talking about the relative goodness and shit that exists based on the life that someone lives.
I think the problem is that we move situations and experiences into one column or another based on what society tells us is good or shit. We also only take into account [as evidence] that which happens directly to us. Said more simply, I could easily come to the conclusions that online dating sucks, people suck, and I am never going to meet anyone I groove with based on some rather tragic and comedic experiences on the app and on actual dates. Furthermore, I could tell myself that this makes my life sad because society tells me that no relationship equals a life that is empty and sad.
I find this paradigm to be rather ‘Truman Show’ in the way in which it compartmentalizes people and their lives. It gives folks a narrow scope in which to operate and deems them worthy or unworthy at any given moment based upon the most recent experiences and societal doctrines.
What if we decided as a collective whole to look up and see the space beyond the world that has been created for us? What if we elected to see the person behind the curtain, or the sound booth, and broaden our horizons outside of the corner of the universe we’ve been planted in?
What if I decide to exist in a general state of gratitude and contentment and I accept what happens outside of my person directly as evidence that there is a more equitable distribution of goodness?
I say what if because I’m trying it. It is scary as hell but I am giving it a go. I don’t want to feel like the universe has handed me a bag of shit. I can feel sorry for myself because I’m turning 39 in a handful of days and I’m single and still living in my studio apartment. But what if I begin to accept that the connections with other humans that I already have and continue to foster give me more than enough to feed my heart and soul? What if I consistently see connections as an opportunity to learn and grow and just…well…connect, instead of a chance to check “the” box? This isn’t just about being grateful for what I have. This is about a complete mindset shift where I reshape for good.
Note to self: this is not an opportunity to twist things into what they are NOT. This is not a life or situational rewrite. This is a different kind of acceptance.
Do you want to know what this looks like when attempted? A new friend told me that something amazing happened to him and I felt joyful and not because it gave me hope that good things would come my way. Just because it was an honestly good thing happening in the world. I know this sounds really hokey and hippie dippie and I can understand if you are currently rolling your eyes. For that reason, I will remind you that I am not a person who hasn’t been through shit. I have been through some real shit, personally and professionally. I have been condescended to, abused, lied to, cheated on, manipulated, taken advantage of, and lied to (just to start). I have had moments where I’ve lost faith in humanity. Truly. Where I felt like there were very, very few decent people left in the world. I felt like everything I heard was bullshit and people always had nefarious intentions. But I dug out. I corrected misconceptions. I took responsibility for my part in things. I decided I wanted to see the world as more good than bad. At the very least I wanted to see things as a pendulum like experience, constantly swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other.
My feeling of happiness in hearing good news wasn’t false or fake or short-lived. It was genuine. How? I guess because I decided to feel hopeful again. I decided to find humor rather than pain in the ridiculous (i.e. auto-text responses). I decided to value what my connections offer rather than focusing on what they lack. I didn’t resolve myself to living in some la-la fantasy world but I did decide to live above the doldrums.
People do shitty things all the damn time and mostly the reasons are unknown or do not even remotely justify the action(s). I am not suggesting that we close our eyes to shitty things and pretend they don’t exist. I am not suggesting that we pretend that everything is a-ok when it isn’t. I am simply saying that we can take a different perspective.
Sorry but one last reminder that this is not about gratitude for what you have, though certainly that feeling is useful in this exercise. This is an acceptance that what happens OUTSIDE of our personal being can be accepted as proof of goodness. We can relish others’ love and success without needing it to shape or touch our lives.
You get there with baby steps. Next time someone tells you something good like they’ve had professional success or they are in love, try being happy without caveats. If your mind shifts to the ‘why not me’ or ‘I’ll never have that’…see if you can move your thoughts in another direction. If you can’t simply move those thoughts, write down every insane thought you have and then crumple the paper and throw it away. Get it out and move on through. Take a walk. Eat some ice cream. Just try and be fucking chill.
The universe will show you that sometimes good things do happen to good people. You just have to be ready for it.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 