I think I’ve articulated this before but my musical interests and tastes are fairly eclectic. I’ve learned that people don’t like this fact because they take it as wishy-washy, non-committal, etc. Where I am concerned it is just my truth. Different music speaks to me at different times. The music I enjoy during a run is different than a weight workout, vastly different than a chill evening, and wholly diverges from that what I prefer when I am stuck in traffic. That doesn’t even take into consideration what my mood is at any particular moment, as that fact will without question drive what I feel like piping through my phone into my ears or space.
I’ve recently found myself listening to Nathan Feuerstein, or NF, an American singer and songwriter. Outside of the catchy beat that seems to take me out of my head (which is no small feat), I happen to enjoy his lyrics. I’ve shared before that I am a sucker for good lyrics so that should come as no surprise.
Two different songs of his came together to create inspiration for this post and I’d like to share them quickly before I explain the way they made me think and feel. They are as follows:
#1- Nate
You find out pretty quick that life is more than just appearances
I know some things we could avoid to save embarrassment
But everything that breaks you down can also build your character
‘Cause people love to see you fail, just be aware of it
Don’t let nobody tell you who to be or write your narrative
Look, we’re all products of the things that we experience
#2- Only
Yeah, if you made a list of people that you trusted would you put your name down?
The longer excerpt and shorter sentence came together for me in one clear sentiment as follows: our experiences shape us in both a controlled and very uncontrollable way and there is some value in examining that process.
I’ve written before about trusting one’s instincts and gut. I’ve often felt so disconnected from that inner pull that it is difficult to imagine trusting myself in any situation where a relationship is involved. On my own I am golden. I know how far to push my body during a workout, how much to stretch my brain at work, and the discipline required to keep up with this blog. Put me across from another human, face to face, and I cannot tell you that I entirely trust the decisions that I would make.
That fact in itself stems out of the knowledge that I am indeed a product of my numerous experiences. I have borne witness to my self-propelled destruction. I have allowed my gut to be silenced and I have seen the exact path that any one particularly poor decision has led me down. I have also recognized that these “mistakes” were critical in my growth as a human, as a woman. I know that without the trials and tribulations I have gone through, I would not have emerged a stronger and more resilient person.
There were indeed some things that I could have done differently. I could have taken the easier or even the harder path at any one particular turn. However, I have faith that I ended up exactly where I was supposed to. Does that mean that I trust myself? Not really. I am able to see that the narrative I wrote was mine and mine alone. Each heartbreak, stumble, reach, and fail, was what I needed to experience at that very moment in time. I am grateful for the lessons and the growth. That said, do I trust that I can today make the perfect decisions that I need to in order to succeed? Do I trust that I have been through enough to recognize warning signs and move towards what I really want rather than what the universe might be pushing in my direction?
Is this whole exercise a catch-22? Do we have to eventually trust ourselves in order to make real time decisions that best benefit us? If we don’t put our own name on the list of people that we trust in this world, are we doomed to make the same and also different (but still detrimental) mistakes out of some base-line insecurity?
I believe that when we start out in this world at the very beginning of our lives, we innately trust ourselves. We put our hand in front of our face and eventually recognize it as our own and then we use that hand as a tool to serve us. The same goes for our mind and our heart. We wield those parts of us as tools and sometimes as weapons. We fundamentally trust or at least basically trust that our system, our self, will guide us towards a use that best serves our overall health and sense of well-being. Each and every time we see a result that is less than favorable, we change our tune slightly. All of a sudden we have this keen awareness that maybe, just maybe, we don’t have the faintest fucking clue what we are doing. That consciousness then begins to erode that sense of trust we had because ultimately, that trust is based on what we believe to be “success” rather than the journey itself.
Let me break that thought down so it makes better sense. I am dating someone and something within me tells me to pump the brakes a little. I do just that and my counterpart grows weary of my arguably reasonable space and seeks greener pastures. In a perfect world, my inner voice will celebrate this result. I will be able to joyously recognize that the decision I’ve made is truly in my best interest. I will confirm that he was not the right person for me and reassure myself with the awareness that if I meant anything to him and/or he was committed to giving it a real go, my actions would have been a trigger to be resolute, reassuring, and supportive. They might have even encouraged a resistance and/or a difficult discussion. The bailing, however, indicates an overall apathy or at a minimum a “my way or the highway” kind of perspective. Ain’t nobody needs that.
Here’s the thing though, we don’t usually celebrate a result of this nature and what it means with respect to the bigger picture. In fact, the completely opposite situation usually ensues. I question my overall approach, I entertain regrets, and I see myself as an abysmal failure. Maybe I should have hung in there a little longer? Maybe I should have been stronger in pushing through some of the nerves I was experiencing? Perhaps this is just yet another indication of how fundamentally broken I am as a person. How incapable I am in the relationship domain. So what happens? My trust is eroded. I file this experience away as the time I went with my [faulty] gut and the worst case scenario resulted.
So, how do we move aware from that feeling generally? How do we accept the good and/or bad results as what is entirely necessary to our growth and evolution? How do we understand that success is not always synonymous with that wahoo feeling and sometimes, to the contrary, it emerges out of feelings of defeat and loneliness? Sometimes the ending, the walking away, the shutting down, and the shutting out, is the very best thing we can possible do to best serve our inner peace. And yet, this is often entirely disruptive to the intricate web of faith that flows throughout our beings.
How do we place ourselves on the list of trusted persons and then keep ourselves on there once we get on the list?
We accept the fact that things aren’t always in black and white. They are not always as they seem and sometimes things feel really shitty when they are unquestionably the right thing for us. Sometimes we have to be really sad before we get to happy. Sometimes we have to reject because we are rejected. Not preemptively and not in a self-handicapping kind of way, but in an intelligent and self-protective manner.
Before we let the feelings of sadness overtake all that is rational in us, we need to consider the celebration that might be just around the corner. As someone who has survived the most bleak and darkest of times, I can share that eventually things look up. Not because of someone else or a new relationship, but just because things tend to swing both ways. I can forever punish myself for the harm I suffered as a result of my own sometimes terrible decisions or I can see that my narrative is just not meant to be an easy summer read. My narrative is complicated, nuanced, colorful, challenging, up and down, and sometimes mysterious.
I am not suggesting that removing the subjective criticism and/or trusting oneself is easy, particularly in the face of a difficult relationship (past or present). I am suggesting that it is worth the work. Wading through the self-doubt with the feeling that there is reason behind the madness will likely establish a sense of self that is unparalleled.
The beautiful part of all of this is that the decision is wholly ours to make. We can strive to trust ourselves or we can forever label ourselves unworthy. I’m aiming at the former part of that sentence, no matter the challenge, but to each his/her own, right?
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 